Walk me through what I need to do to separate from husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need a lawyer? Yes. Ask him/her these technical questions.

As far as custody goes... as someone whose parents divorced, don't make your kid bear the burden of this. Shuttling back and forth has a cost for the kid.

I am not sure what is the alternative. Neither of us will agree to less than 50%. I was staying because I thought it was better for the kid but I am not convinced that growing up in a household where the parents basically do not talk to each other and where there is no affection is any healthier for the kid than separating. There is no cheating or abuse involved, just a lot of resentment and general incompatibility.

I’m in the same situation, just a step ahead of you, with two elementary school children. I recommend as next steps talking with a collaborative law divorce attorney, and a financial planner who specializes in divorce. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

As snarky as the person who told you to work on the marriage was, I agree with him/her.

If your husband can be a good dad, he can also be a good husband, he just needs to be told and learn what you want. Nobody really tells you this, you are just expected to know which really isn’t fair.

What do you want to talk about with your husband? He’s not a girl, he won’t talk with you the way a woman would. Know this and what it means.

I’m not a fan of yours because you haven’t even discussed how you’re feeling with your husband. You seem to expect him to seek full custidy which he’ll only get if you’ve done something bad involving kids. Have you? It’s an odd thingto worry about given what you’ve written. And, no I don’t believe that you are an anxious person who loves her kid, I think there is something going on with you that you know about which may be why you haven’t talked to a lawyer yet.

As for your kid, he won’t be happy going from house to house. Maybe he will “just have to live with it” but he won’t like you too much once he figures out you left his father for some vague unhappiness reason.

Your dating pool won’t be like it was in your 20’s. Know this.
Right now, I doubt you have the skills to be in a successful relationship with a new partner.
Try with your husband since he sounds like a nice guy, you’re already married and you have a kid together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As snarky as the person who told you to work on the marriage was, I agree with him/her.

If your husband can be a good dad, he can also be a good husband, he just needs to be told and learn what you want. Nobody really tells you this, you are just expected to know which really isn’t fair.

What do you want to talk about with your husband? He’s not a girl, he won’t talk with you the way a woman would. Know this and what it means.

I’m not a fan of yours because you haven’t even discussed how you’re feeling with your husband. You seem to expect him to seek full custidy which he’ll only get if you’ve done something bad involving kids. Have you? It’s an odd thingto worry about given what you’ve written. And, no I don’t believe that you are an anxious person who loves her kid, I think there is something going on with you that you know about which may be why you haven’t talked to a lawyer yet.

As for your kid, he won’t be happy going from house to house. Maybe he will “just have to live with it” but he won’t like you too much once he figures out you left his father for some vague unhappiness reason.

Your dating pool won’t be like it was in your 20’s. Know this.
Right now, I doubt you have the skills to be in a successful relationship with a new partner.
Try with your husband since he sounds like a nice guy, you’re already married and you have a kid together.

This is excellent advice. Very much believe a great dad can become at the very least a good husband. It is better for a child to be raised by their loving, bio father than any other potential that makes you happy. I would say otherwise if OP’s husband was cheating, gay, or a real deal breaker. OP don’t be selfish, put your child first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As snarky as the person who told you to work on the marriage was, I agree with him/her.

If your husband can be a good dad, he can also be a good husband, he just needs to be told and learn what you want. Nobody really tells you this, you are just expected to know which really isn’t fair.

What do you want to talk about with your husband? He’s not a girl, he won’t talk with you the way a woman would. Know this and what it means.

I’m not a fan of yours because you haven’t even discussed how you’re feeling with your husband. You seem to expect him to seek full custidy which he’ll only get if you’ve done something bad involving kids. Have you? It’s an odd thingto worry about given what you’ve written. And, no I don’t believe that you are an anxious person who loves her kid, I think there is something going on with you that you know about which may be why you haven’t talked to a lawyer yet.

As for your kid, he won’t be happy going from house to house. Maybe he will “just have to live with it” but he won’t like you too much once he figures out you left his father for some vague unhappiness reason.

Your dating pool won’t be like it was in your 20’s. Know this.
Right now, I doubt you have the skills to be in a successful relationship with a new partner.
Try with your husband since he sounds like a nice guy, you’re already married and you have a kid together.

I have discussed my feelings with him, but I did not mention yet that I am seriously considering divorce. I do not consider myself vaguely unhappy, I consider myself unloved and constantly rejected. Our marriage is sexless and we barely talk to each other. I have not heard a compliment from him in probably years and he openly puts me down for my appearance (though I am very fit with no shortage of attention from other men that I really do not care about). I have made many attempts to try to get closer to him asking him to try a bit more himself and he seems to agree and promises that he will try but then nothing changes and I feel like I am talking to a wall. I really do not want to shuffle my kid between two households, which is what has been holding me back from proceeding with this, but I also do not want to be frustrated and miserable for the rest of my life. I also do not think observing this type of relationship dynamics is very healthy for my child. The reason I mention that he will want full custody is that I guess in part due to the distance between us he got very very attached to the kid. He loves to play with them while I am the one cooking, cleaning, running errands, preparing cards for teachers and what have you, which is also in part making me resentful. I haven't done anything awful and I do not believe a judge would have any reason to not give a 50/50 custody, but I do expect my husband to battle me on that if I decide to proceed with divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As snarky as the person who told you to work on the marriage was, I agree with him/her.

If your husband can be a good dad, he can also be a good husband, he just needs to be told and learn what you want. Nobody really tells you this, you are just expected to know which really isn’t fair.

What do you want to talk about with your husband? He’s not a girl, he won’t talk with you the way a woman would. Know this and what it means.

I’m not a fan of yours because you haven’t even discussed how you’re feeling with your husband. You seem to expect him to seek full custidy which he’ll only get if you’ve done something bad involving kids. Have you? It’s an odd thingto worry about given what you’ve written. And, no I don’t believe that you are an anxious person who loves her kid, I think there is something going on with you that you know about which may be why you haven’t talked to a lawyer yet.

As for your kid, he won’t be happy going from house to house. Maybe he will “just have to live with it” but he won’t like you too much once he figures out you left his father for some vague unhappiness reason.

Your dating pool won’t be like it was in your 20’s. Know this.
Right now, I doubt you have the skills to be in a successful relationship with a new partner.
Try with your husband since he sounds like a nice guy, you’re already married and you have a kid together.

I have discussed my feelings with him, but I did not mention yet that I am seriously considering divorce. I do not consider myself vaguely unhappy, I consider myself unloved and constantly rejected. Our marriage is sexless and we barely talk to each other. I have not heard a compliment from him in probably years and he openly puts me down for my appearance (though I am very fit with no shortage of attention from other men that I really do not care about). I have made many attempts to try to get closer to him asking him to try a bit more himself and he seems to agree and promises that he will try but then nothing changes and I feel like I am talking to a wall. I really do not want to shuffle my kid between two households, which is what has been holding me back from proceeding with this, but I also do not want to be frustrated and miserable for the rest of my life. I also do not think observing this type of relationship dynamics is very healthy for my child. The reason I mention that he will want full custody is that I guess in part due to the distance between us he got very very attached to the kid. He loves to play with them while I am the one cooking, cleaning, running errands, preparing cards for teachers and what have you, which is also in part making me resentful. I haven't done anything awful and I do not believe a judge would have any reason to not give a 50/50 custody, but I do expect my husband to battle me on that if I decide to proceed with divorce.

You are stalling. Either you want a divorce or you don't. End of story. Posting your feelings here is just for attention and ranting. If you want to know how to start a separation speak with a divorce attorney. Seriously, I did it last year and it was a three hour call. You don't HAVE to start the divorce, but it's a great talk to have with an attorney would actually knows the process. You'd be surprised what it entails.

[Anonymous]

Start with an attorney, even if you just get a consultation.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered keeping the house and letting the kids stay put? I know someone who did this when she divorced. Her and her ex got a separate apartment that they shared. They took turns staying in the house with the kids so there was never any shuffling. While one was at the house, the other stayed in the apartment. She has a whole website where she details how they worked out this arrangement and also how it has evolved. Bottom line, their kids never left their family home. If interested google family nesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered keeping the house and letting the kids stay put? I know someone who did this when she divorced. Her and her ex got a separate apartment that they shared. They took turns staying in the house with the kids so there was never any shuffling. While one was at the house, the other stayed in the apartment. She has a whole website where she details how they worked out this arrangement and also how it has evolved. Bottom line, their kids never left their family home. If interested google family nesting.

OP here. Thanks for the suggestion. It is something I would consider for the initial separation period but not long term. I think it would create potential conflict about the shape in which both the house and the apartment are kept. I would really prefer a place that is fully mine, but you might definitely have a point about it being potentially easier on the kid. I am hoping to end up being within walking distance from each other and the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered keeping the house and letting the kids stay put? I know someone who did this when she divorced. Her and her ex got a separate apartment that they shared. They took turns staying in the house with the kids so there was never any shuffling. While one was at the house, the other stayed in the apartment. She has a whole website where she details how they worked out this arrangement and also how it has evolved. Bottom line, their kids never left their family home. If interested google family nesting.

It does not usually work long term. I tried it. It is not sustainable beyond a year in most cases even in you are on good terms. Psychologists do mid recommended it long term. Also hard to separate finances that way. In my situation ExH kept the house. So kids only had one new place. But that is hard to accomplish in a divorce so not common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered keeping the house and letting the kids stay put? I know someone who did this when she divorced. Her and her ex got a separate apartment that they shared. They took turns staying in the house with the kids so there was never any shuffling. While one was at the house, the other stayed in the apartment. She has a whole website where she details how they worked out this arrangement and also how it has evolved. Bottom line, their kids never left their family home. If interested google family nesting.

OP here. Thanks for the suggestion. It is something I would consider for the initial separation period but not long term. I think it would create potential conflict about the shape in which both the house and the apartment are kept. I would really prefer a place that is fully mine, but you might definitely have a point about it being potentially easier on the kid. I am hoping to end up being within walking distance from each other and the school.

Nesting is rarely sustainable long term.

[Anonymous]

If you really want a divorce, at least see a lawyer for a consultation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband aware that you want to divorce? If so, how does he feel about dividing stuff?

That’s probably the starting point since everything else stems from that.

No, I did not share that decision with him yet. In terms of dividing there is really not much to divide other than the house which we own jointly and to buying of which we contributed equally. I do not care about any of the other stuff. He can have the furniture, the car and whatever he wants. The main issue will be the custody. I think he will go aggressively after trying to get full custody as he is very close to DC.

It's unlikely that he'll get full custody. Most judges grant 50/50. You'd have to be abusive or just a flat out terrible parent to get less than that.

You should discuss with him your plan to separate and come to an amicable decision first. There may not be a need for a lawyer if he agrees. If he doesn't, you'll need to retain one ASAP.

OP here. Wouldn't it still be wise to have something in writing before I move out?

Yes! Don't discuss with the man you plan to divorce. Follow the legal plan set forth by an attorney. Don't dabble in the little details. Split assets 50/50, custody 50/50. Then discuss with the man you plan to divorce. The discussion should be focused on what's best for the child you both love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband is a great dad, I will not deny that.

So why don't you work on your marriage instead? Do you really expect to compete with much younger women on the dating market? Get real. He is the best you will do.

So not true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're looking to separate you need to speak with a divorce attorney, not post on an online forum. Posting here is just for getting attention. Want to separate? Google divorce attorney and call one.

Well, part of why I am asking is to understand whether I need an attorney at this stage at all.

You always need an attorney where there are kids and real assets involved.

- an attorney who doesn't practice family law and immediately hired an attorney upon deciding to divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband aware that you want to divorce? If so, how does he feel about dividing stuff?

That’s probably the starting point since everything else stems from that.

No, I did not share that decision with him yet. In terms of dividing there is really not much to divide other than the house which we own jointly and to buying of which we contributed equally. I do not care about any of the other stuff. He can have the furniture, the car and whatever he wants. The main issue will be the custody. I think he will go aggressively after trying to get full custody as he is very close to DC.

And he should, since you are selfishly willing to blow-up your child's home life in order to try to maximize your own personal fulfillment.