Walk me through what I need to do to separate from husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you need a lawyer? Yes. Ask him/her these technical questions.

As far as custody goes... as someone whose parents divorced, don't make your kid bear the burden of this. Shuttling back and forth has a cost for the kid.

I am not sure what is the alternative. Neither of us will agree to less than 50%. I was staying because I thought it was better for the kid but I am not convinced that growing up in a household where the parents basically do not talk to each other and where there is no affection is any healthier for the kid than separating. There is no cheating or abuse involved, just a lot of resentment and general incompatibility.

OP 100% agree get your divorce.

But you need a lawyer asap. Posting on social media waste of your time.

You need competent answers not fly-by-night social media posters.

You want 50% custody lawyer asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As snarky as the person who told you to work on the marriage was, I agree with him/her.

If your husband can be a good dad, he can also be a good husband, he just needs to be told and learn what you want. Nobody really tells you this, you are just expected to know which really isn’t fair.

What do you want to talk about with your husband? He’s not a girl, he won’t talk with you the way a woman would. Know this and what it means.

I’m not a fan of yours because you haven’t even discussed how you’re feeling with your husband. You seem to expect him to seek full custidy which he’ll only get if you’ve done something bad involving kids. Have you? It’s an odd thingto worry about given what you’ve written. And, no I don’t believe that you are an anxious person who loves her kid, I think there is something going on with you that you know about which may be why you haven’t talked to a lawyer yet.

As for your kid, he won’t be happy going from house to house. Maybe he will “just have to live with it” but he won’t like you too much once he figures out you left his father for some vague unhappiness reason.

Your dating pool won’t be like it was in your 20’s. Know this.
Right now, I doubt you have the skills to be in a successful relationship with a new partner.
Try with your husband since he sounds like a nice guy, you’re already married and you have a kid together.

I have discussed my feelings with him, but I did not mention yet that I am seriously considering divorce. I do not consider myself vaguely unhappy, I consider myself unloved and constantly rejected. Our marriage is sexless and we barely talk to each other. I have not heard a compliment from him in probably years and he openly puts me down for my appearance (though I am very fit with no shortage of attention from other men that I really do not care about). I have made many attempts to try to get closer to him asking him to try a bit more himself and he seems to agree and promises that he will try but then nothing changes and I feel like I am talking to a wall. I really do not want to shuffle my kid between two households, which is what has been holding me back from proceeding with this, but I also do not want to be frustrated and miserable for the rest of my life. I also do not think observing this type of relationship dynamics is very healthy for my child. The reason I mention that he will want full custody is that I guess in part due to the distance between us he got very very attached to the kid. He loves to play with them while I am the one cooking, cleaning, running errands, preparing cards for teachers and what have you, which is also in part making me resentful. I haven't done anything awful and I do not believe a judge would have any reason to not give a 50/50 custody, but I do expect my husband to battle me on that if I decide to proceed with divorce.

can you elaborate on this?

no one can "make you feel" anything, you let them make you feel a certain way. Unless he is actively insulting you, gaslighting you, or emotionally abusing you (which i doubt because of his ability to be a loving caring parent) .... you might benefit from some personal work before taking action. I say this because I also feel unloved and rejected - i speak with my husband on this - but it falls on deaf ears. I spoke with an attorney several months back to get my ducks in a line (similar questions, don't care about assets mainly care about custody and our co-owned primary residence) and it was very helpful and informative for our specific situation. But I also did a lot of work on myself, and realizing that my insecure attachment is making me perceive his actions (or lack of them) as him not loving me and my fear of abandonment heightens my feelings of rejection. Now I work on challenging those feelings, being more assertive about what i need (not want, need) from him, and we are beginning counseling next week. I hope to salvage our family, but I more comfortable in my boundaries now.

I know it's cliche, but happiness comes from within. You can't put the responsibility of your happiness in another person. Our spouse can't be our "everything"

I would also recommend reading "How to improve you marriage without talking about it"

best of luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have concluded that I have done trying and want to get out of my marriage. We have one early elementary child and own our primary residence together. Our house does not lend itself well to separating while still living there and so I want to move out. What do I need to do if the eventual target is to get 50/50 custody, sell house and share proceeds equally and leave everything else alone? With the latter I mean that our finances are mostly separate and I do not want anything from him despite him making a bit more and having more assets. I am a high earner myself and don't care about trying to get half of what we accumulated during the marriage. What do I have to do before moving out to avoid affecting my custody rights? Do I need to have a lawyer write a separation agreement and have my husband sign it?

Talk to an attorney. I would never assume it makes sense to leave money on the table. You should at least understand the ramifications of giving certain things up.

I believe the general advice is not to leave the family home until there is a separation agreement in place - as least in VA.

I know people who have done a mediated divorce = no court, but it's been done with each party legally represented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are serious just call an attorney. They will you more than what you'll read here. I considered separating last spring. I had a three hour call with a Virginia divorce attorney. He told me many things I wasn't aware of.

If you are serious stop posting for info on a forum. Speak with an attorney. Else, this is just for attention.

Very odd take, that OP is looking for attention. This is an anonymous forum and she seems to be looking for practical advice.

[Anonymous]

Either the post is a troll or this woman is beyond dumb. Asking if she needs an attorney for a divorce with a child involved? C'mon man. That would be like a criminal defendant asking if he/she needs a lawyer or can just go it on her own and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either the post is a troll or this woman is beyond dumb. Asking if she needs an attorney for a divorce with a child involved? C'mon man. That would be like a criminal defendant asking if he/she needs a lawyer or can just go it on her own and see what happens.

I say self-representation is underrated and depending on the crime -- why pay a dime? Go for it!

/s

[Anonymous]

I'm curious if OP can update on what happened to her. OP, I'm sorry about all the snark you received. But how did it go for you? I'm in the same situation with a few minor details different.