Walk me through what I need to do to separate from husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband aware that you want to divorce? If so, how does he feel about dividing stuff?

That’s probably the starting point since everything else stems from that.

No, I did not share that decision with him yet. In terms of dividing there is really not much to divide other than the house which we own jointly and to buying of which we contributed equally. I do not care about any of the other stuff. He can have the furniture, the car and whatever he wants. The main issue will be the custody. I think he will go aggressively after trying to get full custody as he is very close to DC.

And one day soon that kid will be able to decide on his own which house he wants to live in. It doesn’t sound like it will be yours.

Yeah, this seems like a situation where the husband may actually look better in the courts than the wife; but the husband might not know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband aware that you want to divorce? If so, how does he feel about dividing stuff?

That’s probably the starting point since everything else stems from that.

No, I did not share that decision with him yet. In terms of dividing there is really not much to divide other than the house which we own jointly and to buying of which we contributed equally. I do not care about any of the other stuff. He can have the furniture, the car and whatever he wants. The main issue will be the custody. I think he will go aggressively after trying to get full custody as he is very close to DC.

And one day soon that kid will be able to decide on his own which house he wants to live in. It doesn’t sound like it will be yours.

OP here. My husband is a great dad, I will not deny that. The problem is that he is not great a husband and we are both miserable. Surely what you say might happen. All I can do at this point is to be as good as mother as I can and let things play out once our DC reaches the age to decide where they want to live.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My husband is a great dad, I will not deny that.

So why don't you work on your marriage instead? Do you really expect to compete with much younger women on the dating market? Get real. He is the best you will do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband is a great dad, I will not deny that.

So why don't you work on your marriage instead? Do you really expect to compete with much younger women on the dating market? Get real. He is the best you will do.

This is a nasty comment and not true. A bad husband is not a reason to stay in a bad marriage. It is not supposed to be a lifetime of misery and that is not good for kids. Also, people divorce because a marriage is not working...not necessarily to find another husband.

[Anonymous]

I commented about the shuttling.

My parents had a bad marriage. If you're harboring any resentment, don't think that it will end when the papers are all signed.

Maybe you're an awesome mom who won't look for love until your kid is in high school. Now I love my mom, but she is human and was crap at choosing romantic partners. Maybe this plays a part in my annoyance/ disgust with women who have to define themselves in relationship to a man. Yes, my dad was a horrible husband and a so-so dad, but he was way better than the losers my mother dated.

Custody will get complicated when either one of you gets a job out of the area or moves for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband is a great dad, I will not deny that.

So why don't you work on your marriage instead? Do you really expect to compete with much younger women on the dating market? Get real. He is the best you will do.

This is a nasty comment and not true. A bad husband is not a reason to stay in a bad marriage. It is not supposed to be a lifetime of misery and that is not good for kids. Also, people divorce because a marriage is not working...not necessarily to find another husband.

OP here. Indeed. No intention at all to go fishing for another husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP get an attorney before you tell him.

Get all your ducks in a row.
1. Attorney (if you want your kid do it now like first thing tomorrow)
2. Do exactly what the Attorney says in terms of custody
3. Don't stay in a marriage just to stay
4. Make copies of all financial papers, ie 401 k, retirement accounts, savings accounts, etc. We know you don't want anything but your attorney is going to need paperwork and you don't want to be blindsided later
5. Do not move out without your kid.
6. Be nice do not say anything bad about DH to child.
7. Do not move out of the house til Attorney tells you to.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely the type of advice I was looking for.

[Anonymous]

It's definitely important to consult an attorney. There are many issues that are state specific. For example, while many family courts favor 50/50, in my state they still favor primary custody/visitation. It's important to get a general idea of how easy or hard your desired outcome will be to achieve. It sounds like he might feel blindsided, so you really need to be prepared for him to fight you at every step. As someone who is divorced, I would say if it's possible for you to live within walking or biking distance it's a good thing to try for. My ex moved two towns over for no discernable reason and it's a pain for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commented about the shuttling.

My parents had a bad marriage. If you're harboring any resentment, don't think that it will end when the papers are all signed.

Maybe you're an awesome mom who won't look for love until your kid is in high school. Now I love my mom, but she is human and was crap at choosing romantic partners. Maybe this plays a part in my annoyance/ disgust with women who have to define themselves in relationship to a man. Yes, my dad was a horrible husband and a so-so dad, but he was way better than the losers my mother dated.

Custody will get complicated when either one of you gets a job out of the area or moves for whatever reason.

A lot of people divorce and do not remarry and custody is never an issue because they live close. Divorce now is really completely different than 20-30 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP get an attorney before you tell him.

Get all your ducks in a row.
1. Attorney (if you want your kid do it now like first thing tomorrow)
2. Do exactly what the Attorney says in terms of custody
3. Don't stay in a marriage just to stay
4. Make copies of all financial papers, ie 401 k, retirement accounts, savings accounts, etc. We know you don't want anything but your attorney is going to need paperwork and you don't want to be blindsided later
5. Do not move out without your kid.
6. Be nice do not say anything bad about DH to child.
7. Do not move out of the house til Attorney tells you to.

OP here. Thank you. This is precisely the type of advice I was looking for.

Great post PP I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband aware that you want to divorce? If so, how does he feel about dividing stuff?

That’s probably the starting point since everything else stems from that.

No, I did not share that decision with him yet. In terms of dividing there is really not much to divide other than the house which we own jointly and to buying of which we contributed equally. I do not care about any of the other stuff. He can have the furniture, the car and whatever he wants. The main issue will be the custody. I think he will go aggressively after trying to get full custody as he is very close to DC.

It's unlikely that he'll get full custody. Most judges grant 50/50. You'd have to be abusive or just a flat out terrible parent to get less than that.

You should discuss with him your plan to separate and come to an amicable decision first. There may not be a need for a lawyer if he agrees. If he doesn't, you'll need to retain one ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband aware that you want to divorce? If so, how does he feel about dividing stuff?

That’s probably the starting point since everything else stems from that.

No, I did not share that decision with him yet. In terms of dividing there is really not much to divide other than the house which we own jointly and to buying of which we contributed equally. I do not care about any of the other stuff. He can have the furniture, the car and whatever he wants. The main issue will be the custody. I think he will go aggressively after trying to get full custody as he is very close to DC.

It's unlikely that he'll get full custody. Most judges grant 50/50. You'd have to be abusive or just a flat out terrible parent to get less than that.

You should discuss with him your plan to separate and come to an amicable decision first. There may not be a need for a lawyer if he agrees. If he doesn't, you'll need to retain one ASAP.

OP here. Wouldn't it still be wise to have something in writing before I move out?

[Anonymous]

If you are serious just call an attorney. They will you more than what you'll read here. I considered separating last spring. I had a three hour call with a Virginia divorce attorney. He told me many things I wasn't aware of.

If you are serious stop posting for info on a forum. Speak with an attorney. Else, this is just for attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have concluded that I have done trying and want to get out of my marriage. We have one early elementary child and own our primary residence together. Our house does not lend itself well to separating while still living there and so I want to move out. What do I need to do if the eventual target is to get 50/50 custody, sell house and share proceeds equally and leave everything else alone? With the latter I mean that our finances are mostly separate and I do not want anything from him despite him making a bit more and having more assets. I am a high earner myself and don't care about trying to get half of what we accumulated during the marriage. What do I have to do before moving out to avoid affecting my custody rights? Do I need to have a lawyer write a separation agreement and have my husband sign it?

If it were me I'd start by asking for 50/50 of what was accumulated during the marriage. You can always "give" on that point later since you don't really care about it to get another point that you want (i.e. something in the custody agreement).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband aware that you want to divorce? If so, how does he feel about dividing stuff?

That’s probably the starting point since everything else stems from that.

No, I did not share that decision with him yet. In terms of dividing there is really not much to divide other than the house which we own jointly and to buying of which we contributed equally. I do not care about any of the other stuff. He can have the furniture, the car and whatever he wants. The main issue will be the custody. I think he will go aggressively after trying to get full custody as he is very close to DC.

It's unlikely that he'll get full custody. Most judges grant 50/50. You'd have to be abusive or just a flat out terrible parent to get less than that.

You should discuss with him your plan to separate and come to an amicable decision first. There may not be a need for a lawyer if he agrees. If he doesn't, you'll need to retain one ASAP.

OP here. Wouldn't it still be wise to have something in writing before I move out?

It would be wise to speak to an attorney before you do anything, including talking to your husband about your decision.

Seriously.

It sounds like your marriage and my first marriage are similar, though my kid was a lot younger. Ultimately my now-ex was very collaborative, but until I’d evaluated my options with an actual divorce lawyer, I didn’t do ANYTHING. Division of assets is clearly not important to you, but custody is important. While your STBX may feel as mine did that a protracted expensive divorce was bad for everyone except our lawyers, you absolutely need to have a lawyer to avoid making stupid mistakes. For example, moving out may affect custody and it may not.