Daughter broken-hearted over favoritism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the email, he said: "The pauper is vulnerable to pride and pride is the destroyer of man's glory."

I think the coach has forgotten who is begging for money in his scenario,

I agree with the others. The email is inappropriate. Take it to the principal or headmaster. You have nothing to lose. The comments are way out of line.

[Anonymous]

If this is not a troll, you send the email to the school. There is no way the school would be OK w/ explicit pay-to-play. Why isn't the desired outcome here a new coach?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe a word of this story.

+ 1 Million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is not a troll, you send the email to the school. There is no way the school would be OK w/ explicit pay-to-play. Why isn't the desired outcome here a new coach?

You are so naive. Schools do this all the time. It's a CLUB sport, not a varsity sport. My own DC's high school does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is not a troll, you send the email to the school. There is no way the school would be OK w/ explicit pay-to-play. Why isn't the desired outcome here a new coach?

You are so naive. Schools do this all the time. It's a CLUB sport, not a varsity sport. My own DC's high school does this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is trying out for a high school sports team that our school system treats as a club. So parents are largely responsible for paying to play and then fundraising on top of that.

My daughter has been attending all the practices, and even extra ones when a rival for her position missed them. This week for Spring Break her rival is away in Florida.

This evening my daughter got an email from the coach and then dissolved into tears. He said it’s great she’s going to attend every practice this week, but that she won’t be able to get much playing time this season. He said to my daughter that she just doesn’t contribute as much as the rival and her family do to the team’s fortunes. He said he’d try to get her an opportunity to compete at some point this season, but she has to understand that starting ahead of the rival won’t be happening.

Her Mom (my ex) is furious and wants to call the coach and give him the business. I disagree because although my daughter does seem to be better at her position than the rival, as a club sport the coach has to balance the books. If the other kid’s parents can balance the club’s books with a check, well that’s the breaks. My daughter still gets to put this down as a club sport on her college application, and she gets to work with kids at practice and bond with her teammates. She also learns that life isn’t fair, and sometimes things are more complicated than they appear at first glance.

I just hung up on my ex when she screamed at me as I tried to explain this. Am I missing something? It would be one thing if it were say high school football with the school system largely funding the team. Then I’d be really upset at the coach. But I’m a high school club sport where finances matter. I just don’t see how I can begrudge the coach for doing what he has to do to keep the club going another year.

when that happens in a public school, it's called corruption and potentially bribary. I would draft an e-mail calling what it is and send it to the coach cc'ing the principal and your school board rep. If the coach was dumb enough to put it in writing, they should be fired from whatever their actual job is in addition to being removed as a coach

[Anonymous]

Hockey and lax are notorious for this

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter? Since she emailed the coach, then she's mature enough to follow up. You sit with her and draft an email response. But first, make sure she understand the meaning of the coaches exact words:

"If you want to win the race to Dubai, you need a road paved in gold."

This is a loaded statement with multiple meanings. It is inappropriate and meant to confuse your DD. She should absolutely ask for clarification (documentation, bcc you)

"The pauper is vulnerable to pride and pride is the destroyer of man's glory."

Who says this to a child?! This implies a number of things. He's belittling your DD as the "pauper". Her pride is blinding her of the reality that she doesn't have value despite possibly having more talent. She won't receive "glory" for her skill, and dedication.

She should absolutely ask for clarification (documentation, bcc you). Help her with this, so it's in age appropriate words.

Coach A§§wipe,

I respect your position and responsibility, as it relates to coaching Team xxx. I reread your email, and need clarification on your remarks. I'm not quite sure I understand what you're trying to say. Can you please explain how this relates to my playing skills and position on our team? I understand that a pauper means a poor person. Is this what you mean? Are you implying that I'm a pauper or a poor player?

I really don't understand what you mean about needing a road paved in gold to win the race. Is our team underfunded? Is that why I can't play, even if it's not a starting position? Should I ask my parents to contribute to that gold road?

I love my teammates, playing the sport, and working hard to improve my skills. I look forward to your reply. Thank you.

Respectfully,

DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, this is an official school activity, but it does NOT have varsity status. That means the school lends its name and facilities to the activity, and the activity needs to follow the school system’s regulations on when they can meet, the official health forms the participants fill out, background checks on the coaches, etc. However, no school funds are expended for coaches, equipment, buses, etc.

People wonder exactly what the coach said. He didn’t say explicitly that the rival’s parents paid $5k for their daughter to win the spot in the lineup. But I think it’s obvious what happened if you read between the lines. Yes the coach wants to win, but first he wants to compete. Unfortunately the sponsor making that happen has a daughter competing with mine.

I wish I could write a check and place my daughter onto equal footing. But then the rival’s Dad would just up the ante. This is lunch money to him.

I appreciate the thoughts on what to do. I don’t really see how going to the school matters given that this is a (school) club sport and not varsity. There’s just not enough interest for the school to step in and pressure the coach—even if somehow media covered this. He can just drop the program and turn a large number of well-off parents against the school (and my daughter).

This sounds like boys club hockey, but it could apply to any club sport.

I mean look at all the soccer clubs. Everyone knows certain players are on certain teams because their parents contribute money or do private coaching with the coaches and that kind of thing. This even applies to regular HS sports that are funded by the HS. In our area one group of players has been coached for years over the summer by one of the HS coaches. This is technically an ethics violation for that coach but it's a rich area and no one is going to report her. All "her" kids she coaches in the summer make the team and there's no room for anyone else. You'd argue they are better but isn't part of it because their parents have been paying for years for 1:1 coaching and small group coaching beyond what others can afford?

I'm sorry for your DC, OP. I'm not sure what I'd do. Your ex's approach sounds reasonable. Change only comes from people who speak out but I also get your position of wanting her to continue having a good relationship with the coach and her teammates.

This sounds like crew. If it’s a close call, you give the spot to the booster’s kid. But if the kid isn’t close in the erg scores there’s not much the coach can do.

Coxswain is another matter. There’s no real physicality requirement besides being small. So long as the booster’s kid doesn’t crash the boat and keeps it relatively straight, the coach can fudge the evaluations to hold down OP’s daughter. So long as the coach always keeps the booster’s kid with the best rowers, he can always say the booster’s daughter guides the boat the best.

OP could try to battle, but the email, while sloppy, isn’t enough to rouse the principal and the School Department. Don’t go forget that if your daughter’s rival can buy a spot, her parents can also hire one hell of a lawyer. As things are so slanted, take this as a learning opportunity and move forward.

[Anonymous]

The parents saying call the school and make a fuss don’t understand that there wouldn’t be a team unless some parents picked up the majority of the cost. So go ahead and complain and all that might happen is the team is cancelled as a club. How do you think that would affect OP’s daughter?

I say this as a parent in a similar situation. The only way my child’s sport can exist through school is by wealthy parents donating so it exists. Of course their children get more playing time. But the alternative is my child can’t do the sport at all because we can’t afford it. My child is not going to play in college. It is a fun activity to keep them active.

[Anonymous]

I think the rival hacked the coaches email and your daughter is being trolled. Otherwise, the coach should be fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The coaches exact words were: "If you want to win the race to Dubai, you need a road paved in gold"

Time to talk to the principal and the School Supervisor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the email, he said: "The pauper is vulnerable to pride and pride is the destroyer of man's glory."

That's so weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents saying call the school and make a fuss don’t understand that there wouldn’t be a team unless some parents picked up the majority of the cost. So go ahead and complain and all that might happen is the team is cancelled as a club. How do you think that would affect OP’s daughter?

I say this as a parent in a similar situation. The only way my child’s sport can exist through school is by wealthy parents donating so it exists. Of course their children get more playing time. But the alternative is my child can’t do the sport at all because we can’t afford it. My child is not going to play in college. It is a fun activity to keep them active.

IDIOT.

Paying is fine. Unfairly demoting deserving players to elevate the big donors’s kids is banana republic garbage. Do you condone this in the USA?

Then you are a disgusting piece of trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parents saying call the school and make a fuss don’t understand that there wouldn’t be a team unless some parents picked up the majority of the cost. So go ahead and complain and all that might happen is the team is cancelled as a club. How do you think that would affect OP’s daughter?

I say this as a parent in a similar situation. The only way my child’s sport can exist through school is by wealthy parents donating so it exists. Of course their children get more playing time. But the alternative is my child can’t do the sport at all because we can’t afford it. My child is not going to play in college. It is a fun activity to keep them active.

IDIOT.

Paying is fine. Unfairly demoting deserving players to elevate the big donors’s kids is banana republic garbage. Do you condone this in the USA?

Then you are a disgusting piece of trash.

Whoah chill. PP is in the same boat as OP. No need to get so nasty. (DP).