I have a terrible fear of dying young and leaving my kids behind before they grow up

[Anonymous]

My husband’s cousin lost both parents as a teen. He actually did ok and is happily married and a father. People find a way.

[Anonymous]

Your fear is not based on fantasy. It has actually some grounding in reality. This has become a very unsafe country and if you have something to lose, you will live in fear.
Use this fear to make better decisions. All the posters have given good advice. Once my oldest turned 18, I became slightly more relaxed because I thought that she could take care of her siblings if something happens.

- Will, Life Insurance, etc. Enough money so that kids can go to college, house is paid off and that they don't have to work for some years. (2-3 million)
- Take preventative steps - flu vaccines, well visits, wearing seatbelts, smoke alarms, home security, mammograms, cardiac checkups
- Create a document and share with kids on steps to take if something bad happens to you. Give them adulting skills.
- Anxiety meds, lots of exercise and eating healthy foods
- No smoking, drugs, drinking, gambling
- Stay away from people, family, locations, lifestyles that are dangerous or risky.
- Work on your marriage because no one will take better care of your kids than your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s cousin lost both parents as a teen. He actually did ok and is happily married and a father. People find a way.

Of course, he did. So who helped him from teen years to adulthood? Which family member took him in? Did he have a house? Money? Knew how to cook? Did parents leave debts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This worry occasionally pops up for me, too. When it does, I make my husband tell me what he would do if I did die. It makes me feel better. I also use the worry as a motivator to take my health and safety seriously and to check in with my kids that they know how much I love them.

Basically, turn this mental worry into some kind of positive action that you can do right now.

Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making a will that specifies how the kids will be taken care of greatly reduced my anxiety about this.

Unfortunately, my anxiety is based on the fact that I would like to do this, but don't have family or friends who would take my kids. It's not a money issue, it's a "taking time away from their demanding, high-earning careers" issue. No one I know wants to do that for someone else's kids.

This sounds like you haven't even asked someone, yet you're passing judgement on people who maintain demanding, high earning careers.

I will offer the perspective of someone who declined to accept guardianship in a will, which lead to an epic extended family falling out.

My sister was approached by an extended family member, a same-aged niece with whom she's always been very close. She initially accepted, but later it came out that the niece and her husband (who live in a LCOL area) were carrying an extremely low level of life insurance for the HCOL area my sister lives in. Frankly, I thought it would have been too low for the LCOL area as well, but I stayed out of it. Anyway, my sister had to walk back her initial acceptance, explaining that there's no way she could accept guardianship if at such significant out of pocket cost to her family. Sister walked niece though the numbers -- e.g. what preschool costs per year in HCOL, health insurance premium costs because they're self-employed, what the increase in housing would cost (sister's house is small and kids are already doubled up in bedrooms). Sister explained that niece's numbers don't even count some sort of emergency popping up, or uncovered medical expenses - like therapy costs, and so on. That doesn't even count the financial damage it would do to my sister's retirement planning, as she or her husband would almost certainly have to stop working.

After watching what my sister has gone through with her niece, I'd never accept guardianship for anyone other than my sister or DH's brother. It's understandably a very touchy subject, but it opens your family up to all sorts of criticism by the jealous relative who's asking for the favor. In COVID times, we are dealing with major educational and childcare issues -- long and short term school closures, the need for tutoring, needing to come out of pocket for childcare. I think actually seeing how badly the sh*t can hit the fan, completely unexpectedly, is going to make a lot more people twice before agreeing to this. When people were asked in the past, I think 99% of people heard, "Would you agree, symbolically, to do this important job for me, in the event the worst happens, even though the worst will never happen." Now, I think people are more overwhelmed and realize what an undertaking this would be, if they were called to serve.

If you're looking to secure a non-family member guardian, I would put together a rock solid plan that is respectful of the family you're asking for help. This means probably far more life insurance than you think they need (judging by your attitude towards their lifestyles), and probably some financial consideration for what taking on this task would do to the family's finances long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making a will that specifies how the kids will be taken care of greatly reduced my anxiety about this.

Unfortunately, my anxiety is based on the fact that I would like to do this, but don't have family or friends who would take my kids. It's not a money issue, it's a "taking time away from their demanding, high-earning careers" issue. No one I know wants to do that for someone else's kids.

This sounds like you haven't even asked someone, yet you're passing judgement on people who maintain demanding, high earning careers.

I will offer the perspective of someone who declined to accept guardianship in a will, which lead to an epic extended family falling out.

My sister was approached by an extended family member, a same-aged niece with whom she's always been very close. She initially accepted, but later it came out that the niece and her husband (who live in a LCOL area) were carrying an extremely low level of life insurance for the HCOL area my sister lives in. Frankly, I thought it would have been too low for the LCOL area as well, but I stayed out of it. Anyway, my sister had to walk back her initial acceptance, explaining that there's no way she could accept guardianship if at such significant out of pocket cost to her family. Sister walked niece though the numbers -- e.g. what preschool costs per year in HCOL, health insurance premium costs because they're self-employed, what the increase in housing would cost (sister's house is small and kids are already doubled up in bedrooms). Sister explained that niece's numbers don't even count some sort of emergency popping up, or uncovered medical expenses - like therapy costs, and so on. That doesn't even count the financial damage it would do to my sister's retirement planning, as she or her husband would almost certainly have to stop working.

After watching what my sister has gone through with her niece, I'd never accept guardianship for anyone other than my sister or DH's brother. It's understandably a very touchy subject, but it opens your family up to all sorts of criticism by the jealous relative who's asking for the favor. In COVID times, we are dealing with major educational and childcare issues -- long and short term school closures, the need for tutoring, needing to come out of pocket for childcare. I think actually seeing how badly the sh*t can hit the fan, completely unexpectedly, is going to make a lot more people twice before agreeing to this. When people were asked in the past, I think 99% of people heard, "Would you agree, symbolically, to do this important job for me, in the event the worst happens, even though the worst will never happen." Now, I think people are more overwhelmed and realize what an undertaking this would be, if they were called to serve.

If you're looking to secure a non-family member guardian, I would put together a rock solid plan that is respectful of the family you're asking for help. This means probably far more life insurance than you think they need (judging by your attitude towards their lifestyles), and probably some financial consideration for what taking on this task would do to the family's finances long term.

Above is also good advice.

Another thing - I have tried in my life to help my siblings, their children, my BIL and his children, ILs and parents - to become financially stable and to make sure that the basics are taken care of, to make sure that investment into future is made (college, health, home, career) etc. The more the people in your circle are supported and successful to become self-sufficient, the easier it is for them to rally around when you need help. Raise everyone up among whole family and friends so that collectively everyone can be of help to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making a will that specifies how the kids will be taken care of greatly reduced my anxiety about this.

Unfortunately, my anxiety is based on the fact that I would like to do this, but don't have family or friends who would take my kids. It's not a money issue, it's a "taking time away from their demanding, high-earning careers" issue. No one I know wants to do that for someone else's kids.

This sounds like you haven't even asked someone, yet you're passing judgement on people who maintain demanding, high earning careers.

I will offer the perspective of someone who declined to accept guardianship in a will, which lead to an epic extended family falling out.

My sister was approached by an extended family member, a same-aged niece with whom she's always been very close. She initially accepted, but later it came out that the niece and her husband (who live in a LCOL area) were carrying an extremely low level of life insurance for the HCOL area my sister lives in. Frankly, I thought it would have been too low for the LCOL area as well, but I stayed out of it. Anyway, my sister had to walk back her initial acceptance, explaining that there's no way she could accept guardianship if at such significant out of pocket cost to her family. Sister walked niece though the numbers -- e.g. what preschool costs per year in HCOL, health insurance premium costs because they're self-employed, what the increase in housing would cost (sister's house is small and kids are already doubled up in bedrooms). Sister explained that niece's numbers don't even count some sort of emergency popping up, or uncovered medical expenses - like therapy costs, and so on. That doesn't even count the financial damage it would do to my sister's retirement planning, as she or her husband would almost certainly have to stop working.

After watching what my sister has gone through with her niece, I'd never accept guardianship for anyone other than my sister or DH's brother. It's understandably a very touchy subject, but it opens your family up to all sorts of criticism by the jealous relative who's asking for the favor. In COVID times, we are dealing with major educational and childcare issues -- long and short term school closures, the need for tutoring, needing to come out of pocket for childcare. I think actually seeing how badly the sh*t can hit the fan, completely unexpectedly, is going to make a lot more people twice before agreeing to this. When people were asked in the past, I think 99% of people heard, "Would you agree, symbolically, to do this important job for me, in the event the worst happens, even though the worst will never happen." Now, I think people are more overwhelmed and realize what an undertaking this would be, if they were called to serve.

If you're looking to secure a non-family member guardian, I would put together a rock solid plan that is respectful of the family you're asking for help. This means probably far more life insurance than you think they need (judging by your attitude towards their lifestyles), and probably some financial consideration for what taking on this task would do to the family's finances long term.

This is the PP you responded to. I don't know why you're assuming I didn't ask. I did. Multiple relatives and friends refused. I think you're right that most people will think harder about saying yes after COVID-- but I asked relatives years before this happened, and they said no. I'm not judging their demanding careers (I also have one! We all have (earned, or inherited, or both) tons of money! Some of my relatives are also literally lottery winners who won tens of millions). Really, it isn't the money.

Life insurance is a great idea. Some of us are not insurable no matter how hard we try to buy a policy (think: cancer survivor, or long COVID with lung/ heart damage, or organ transplant, etc.). I have never been able to get life insurance other than the guaranteed issue coverage through work. It's just not possible, and please stop yourself before you accuse me of not trying hard enough. In any case, my kids would inherit multiple millions of dollars if I got hit by a bus, so anyone taking care of them would be able to buy a bigger house and hire 3 nannies or whatever. But that doesn't solve my problem that no one wants to take care of them.

This has nothing to do with your sister's situation, as no one would be incurring any costs that couldn't be paid for with my money. Your advice isn't as helpful as you think it is. It's just condescending and rude.

[Anonymous]

This is the PP you responded to. I don't know why you're assuming I didn't ask. I did. Multiple relatives and friends refused. I think you're right that most people will think harder about saying yes after COVID-- but I asked relatives years before this happened, and they said no. I'm not judging their demanding careers (I also have one! We all have (earned, or inherited, or both) tons of money! Some of my relatives are also literally lottery winners who won tens of millions). Really, it isn't the money.

Life insurance is a great idea. Some of us are not insurable no matter how hard we try to buy a policy (think: cancer survivor, or long COVID with lung/ heart damage, or organ transplant, etc.). I have never been able to get life insurance other than the guaranteed issue coverage through work. It's just not possible, and please stop yourself before you accuse me of not trying hard enough. In any case, my kids would inherit multiple millions of dollars if I got hit by a bus, so anyone taking care of them would be able to buy a bigger house and hire 3 nannies or whatever. But that doesn't solve my problem that no one wants to take care of them.

This has nothing to do with your sister's situation, as no one would be incurring any costs that couldn't be paid for with my money. Your advice isn't as helpful as you think it is. It's just condescending and rude.

LOL no way this is true

If it is true, then either you or the people you surround yourself with are just that awful

Or your kids are absolute hellions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if anxiety meds would help me, but I have to assume that the occasional thoughts that can keep me up at night or move me to tears are not necessarily indicative of an *actual* anxiety disorder, right? I'm open to being wrong, butt I guess I kind of assumed this is just part of parenting.

If this is OP, then yeah, occasionally thinking about this and feeling sad is normal.

If you are obsessing, can't get the thought out of your head, think about it way more than you want to, can't sleep etc. then you seek counseling.

[Anonymous]

I have this too! I think about it multiple times a day. But Im an oncology nurse, so I know that probably contributes. I watch young people die all the time. I did therapy for a while, but it didnt really help much.

[Anonymous]

When these thoughts pop into my plan I review our plan, update any documents, and consider major changes (more insurance, different guardian, etc.) I do small things that make me feel better about the "what if" - an extra contribution to the 529, a handwritten note to my family members telling them I love them (placed in the files/documents I have stashed for emergency), typing up instructions for something I have not thought of before (favorite recipe, tradition, etc).

Then I just focus on the here and now. Extra hugs whenever I can. Creating fun memories. Proactive healthcare. Etc.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this also because I don't have a great choice for guardians for my kids. Best really would be family friends, and they've even offered, but we have local family and that feels so strange. But my inlaws are NOT interested in parenting again and my BILs family have very different beliefs from us and are really struggling (pre-COVID) to keep their heads above water with the family they have. I don't think my kids would be as loved or well cared for with their aunt/uncle than with our friends. But still so strange to give your kids to someone who isn't family. I just don't know what to do and it stresses me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making a will that specifies how the kids will be taken care of greatly reduced my anxiety about this.

Unfortunately, my anxiety is based on the fact that I would like to do this, but don't have family or friends who would take my kids. It's not a money issue, it's a "taking time away from their demanding, high-earning careers" issue. No one I know wants to do that for someone else's kids.

This sounds like you haven't even asked someone, yet you're passing judgement on people who maintain demanding, high earning careers.

I will offer the perspective of someone who declined to accept guardianship in a will, which lead to an epic extended family falling out.

My sister was approached by an extended family member, a same-aged niece with whom she's always been very close. She initially accepted, but later it came out that the niece and her husband (who live in a LCOL area) were carrying an extremely low level of life insurance for the HCOL area my sister lives in. Frankly, I thought it would have been too low for the LCOL area as well, but I stayed out of it. Anyway, my sister had to walk back her initial acceptance, explaining that there's no way she could accept guardianship if at such significant out of pocket cost to her family. Sister walked niece though the numbers -- e.g. what preschool costs per year in HCOL, health insurance premium costs because they're self-employed, what the increase in housing would cost (sister's house is small and kids are already doubled up in bedrooms). Sister explained that niece's numbers don't even count some sort of emergency popping up, or uncovered medical expenses - like therapy costs, and so on. That doesn't even count the financial damage it would do to my sister's retirement planning, as she or her husband would almost certainly have to stop working.

After watching what my sister has gone through with her niece, I'd never accept guardianship for anyone other than my sister or DH's brother. It's understandably a very touchy subject, but it opens your family up to all sorts of criticism by the jealous relative who's asking for the favor. In COVID times, we are dealing with major educational and childcare issues -- long and short term school closures, the need for tutoring, needing to come out of pocket for childcare. I think actually seeing how badly the sh*t can hit the fan, completely unexpectedly, is going to make a lot more people twice before agreeing to this. When people were asked in the past, I think 99% of people heard, "Would you agree, symbolically, to do this important job for me, in the event the worst happens, even though the worst will never happen." Now, I think people are more overwhelmed and realize what an undertaking this would be, if they were called to serve.

If you're looking to secure a non-family member guardian, I would put together a rock solid plan that is respectful of the family you're asking for help. This means probably far more life insurance than you think they need (judging by your attitude towards their lifestyles), and probably some financial consideration for what taking on this task would do to the family's finances long term.

This is the PP you responded to. I don't know why you're assuming I didn't ask. I did. Multiple relatives and friends refused. I think you're right that most people will think harder about saying yes after COVID-- but I asked relatives years before this happened, and they said no. I'm not judging their demanding careers (I also have one! We all have (earned, or inherited, or both) tons of money! Some of my relatives are also literally lottery winners who won tens of millions). Really, it isn't the money.

Life insurance is a great idea. Some of us are not insurable no matter how hard we try to buy a policy (think: cancer survivor, or long COVID with lung/ heart damage, or organ transplant, etc.). I have never been able to get life insurance other than the guaranteed issue coverage through work. It's just not possible, and please stop yourself before you accuse me of not trying hard enough. In any case, my kids would inherit multiple millions of dollars if I got hit by a bus, so anyone taking care of them would be able to buy a bigger house and hire 3 nannies or whatever. But that doesn't solve my problem that no one wants to take care of them.

This has nothing to do with your sister's situation, as no one would be incurring any costs that couldn't be paid for with my money. Your advice isn't as helpful as you think it is. It's just condescending and rude.

NP. I see why they said no. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this also because I don't have a great choice for guardians for my kids. Best really would be family friends, and they've even offered, but we have local family and that feels so strange. But my inlaws are NOT interested in parenting again and my BILs family have very different beliefs from us and are really struggling (pre-COVID) to keep their heads above water with the family they have. I don't think my kids would be as loved or well cared for with their aunt/uncle than with our friends. But still so strange to give your kids to someone who isn't family. I just don't know what to do and it stresses me out.

I chose a friend to be the named guardian. I would not hesitate in your shoes with family friends that have offered and whom you think would be better than relatives.

I am grateful that my friend agreed and did not back out when I told her I had been rejected from term life insurance. I agree with being as respectful as possible to potential costs but you can only do what is possible and 1 million individual term life insurance was not possible for me. Still between my employer life insurance (maxed out the amount possible without medical underwriting) , retirement savings, and my child's social security survivor benefit hopefully will be enough even in their HCOL area.

[Anonymous]

1) Therapy 2) planning (will, trust, naming the guardians, recording my wishes for their education) 3) buying an enormous life insurance.

If I were to drop dead 1 hr from now, my spouse knows my wishes, can pay off the house and stop working and will take care of the child who will have a sizeable trust fund for education and other needs (house, education for grandchildren, etc - my parting gift if things were to come to that).

If both my spouse and I were to drop dead, there is a relative whom we fully trust who agreed to be DC's guardian and knows our wishes, etc.

There are not guarantees in life, but you can plan for the worst case scenario and cushion it.

There are also anxiety meds, if you're consumed by worry and can't channel it into anything productive.