Reply to I have a terrible fear of dying young and leaving my kids behind before they grow up

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Making a will that specifies how the kids will be taken care of greatly reduced my anxiety about this.[/quote]

Unfortunately, my anxiety is based on the fact that I would like to do this, but don't have family or friends who would take my kids. It's not a money issue, it's a "taking time away from their demanding, high-earning careers" issue. No one I know wants to do that for someone else's kids.[/quote]

This sounds like you haven't even asked someone, yet you're passing judgement on people who maintain demanding, high earning careers.

I will offer the perspective of someone who declined to accept guardianship in a will, which lead to an epic extended family falling out.

My sister was approached by an extended family member, a same-aged niece with whom she's always been very close.  She initially accepted, but later it came out that the niece and her husband (who live in a LCOL area) were carrying an extremely low level of life insurance for the HCOL area my sister lives in.  Frankly, I thought it would have been too low for the LCOL area as well, but I stayed out of it.  Anyway, my sister had to walk back her initial acceptance, explaining that there's no way she could accept guardianship if at such significant out of pocket cost to her family.  Sister walked niece though the numbers -- e.g. what preschool costs per year in HCOL, health insurance premium costs because they're self-employed, what the increase in housing would cost (sister's house is small and kids are already doubled up in bedrooms).  Sister explained that niece's numbers don't even count some sort of emergency popping up, or uncovered medical expenses - like therapy costs, and so on.  That doesn't even count the financial damage it would do to my sister's retirement planning, as she or her husband would almost certainly have to stop working.

After watching what my sister has gone through with her niece, I'd never accept guardianship for anyone other than my sister or DH's brother.  It's understandably a very touchy subject, but it opens your family up to all sorts of criticism by the jealous relative who's asking for the favor.  In COVID times, we are dealing with major educational and childcare issues -- long and short term school closures, the need for tutoring, needing to come out of pocket for childcare.  I think actually seeing how badly the sh*t can hit the fan, completely unexpectedly, is going to make a lot more people twice before agreeing to this.  When people were asked in the past, I think 99% of people heard, "Would you agree, symbolically, to do this important job for me, in the event the worst happens, even though the worst will never happen."  Now, I think people are more overwhelmed and realize what an undertaking this would be, if they were called to serve.

If you're looking to secure a non-family member guardian, I would put together a rock solid plan that is respectful of the family you're asking for help.  This means probably far more life insurance than you think they need (judging by your attitude towards their lifestyles), and probably some financial consideration for what taking on this task would do to the family's finances long term.[/quote]

Above is also good advice.

Another thing - I have tried in my life to help my siblings, their children, my BIL and his children, ILs and parents - to become financially stable and to make sure that the basics are taken care of, to make sure that investment into future is made (college, health, home, career) etc.  The more the people in your circle are supported and successful to become self-sufficient, the easier it is for them to rally around when you need help.  Raise everyone up among whole family and friends so that collectively everyone can be of help to each other. [/quote]

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