Please advise - FIL not in touch with his mother (20 uears) and I want to bridge their gap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may be making terrible choices, but they are their choices to make. And this is the result of long-standing and entrenched dysfunction - you’re being a bit naive imagining your potential impact - if it were that easy, 20 years wouldn’t have gone by.

They are grown adults and this is not your role.

This. One of the biggest mistakes people make is trying to insert themselves into major family dysfunction and assuming they can fix it with a quick "we love you and miss you." It's like you are taking a house with a poor foundation that crumbled to the ground and then flooded and you go in with scotch tape determined to prop it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People say I should fix my relationship with my own mother, or fix the relationship between her and my brother. I get that it’s difficult for people to understand, this wouldn’t be good for anyone. She has a personality disorder, and is very abusive.

I really wish no one would ever say to me again “But, she’s your mother! What is something happens to her? Won’t you feel guilty?” I have been conditioned since I was a small child to feel guilty and responsible for her choices and behavior. It took 20 years of therapy to finally get I don’t need to subject myself to abuse to assuage my own guilt.

I see that OP has decided to stay out of it. For anyone else reading this thread, please just stay out of people’s relationships with their estranged parents.

Different poster, but I so relate to this and dealing with personality disordered people in the family. People from families without this do not understand just how abusive someone can be and they assume you are exaggerating or even worse, it is your fault the person behaved this way.

Sadly sometimes estrangement is the healthiest thing someone can do and it rarely comes without years, even sometimes decades of trying to take the high road. It's finally closing the door and saying "I will no longer tolerate your abusive and manipulative behavior. I am protecting myself and my family from the raging family and will no longer get burned."

[Anonymous]

raging fire...not raging family, though I guess they can be interchanged

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way before Iet my DH, his family had a fallout (over 20 yrs ago)over something incredibly stupid. (An email was accidentally sent with unkind remarks).

My SIL is the root of this and she has always been a troublemaker. She has caused lots of problems btw my inlaws and us.

Anyway, my FIL misses his mother terribly. She is now well over 100 yrs old and I think he is going to regret not repairing their relationship once she passes.

My DH does not want to get involved. But I was thinking of calling her, letting her know her son loves her and misses her, etc.

Btw he sends her flowers every year for her bday. She does not respond. However, her daughter (who she lives with) is a troublemaker too. So it isn't quite clear how his mom feels.

Should I stay out of it? MYOB?

I don't want to damage the relationship I have w in laws, especially for my child.

Advice?

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

[Anonymous]

I used to think like you, op. Then I married dh and got to see a personality disorder up close, thanks to his mom. Some things can’t be fixed. And it’s especially hard for a third party to fix things. I get your instinct, but it won’t work.

If you want her to know about your dd’s first communion, you could maybe send her a pic in her dress from the day? And just let her know that she received her communion.