Please advise - FIL not in touch with his mother (20 uears) and I want to bridge their gap

[Anonymous]

She might not be in her right mind at that age, OP, which might explain why she doesn't respond. FIL can go and visit her if he wants closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way before Iet my DH, his family had a fallout (over 20 yrs ago)over something incredibly stupid. (An email was accidentally sent with unkind remarks).

My SIL is the root of this and she has always been a troublemaker. She has caused lots of problems btw my inlaws and us.

Anyway, my FIL misses his mother terribly. She is now well over 100 yrs old and I think he is going to regret not repairing their relationship once she passes.

My DH does not want to get involved. But I was thinking of calling her, letting her know her son loves her and misses her, etc.

Btw he sends her flowers every year for her bday. She does not respond. However, her daughter (who she lives with) is a troublemaker too. So it isn't quite clear how his mom feels.

Should I stay out of it? MYOB?

I don't want to damage the relationship I have w in laws, especially for my child.

Advice?

Major MYOB.

Beyond that - he's sending her flowers every year. So she DOES know her son loves and misses her, and she's choosing to continue to freeze him out. You, as I see it, have no relationship with this woman right? So even if you DID want to get involved and it was a good idea to (which it's not) you don't actually have contact with the person who is choosing to continue the estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know you should stay out of it. It's sad, but it's not for you to manage.

Recently my DH had a falling out w them. He asked what to do. I said you will regret it for the rest of your life if something happened to them and you didn't repair the relationship.

And SIL was the cause of this fight.

This is how they deal with disagreements. Cut off the person. So unhealthy.

And his mom is very catholic and devoted. Our child will be receiving her 1st communion in a few weeks and we are raising her in our faith. I think she would love to know this about her great-grandaughter.

Idk. I am conflicted.

You mean about her granddaughter?

Your MIL is 100 but you have a child just getting first communion?

Just come out and admit you’re talking about DH’s grandma, not his mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know you should stay out of it. It's sad, but it's not for you to manage.

Recently my DH had a falling out w them. He asked what to do. I said you will regret it for the rest of your life if something happened to them and you didn't repair the relationship.

And SIL was the cause of this fight.

This is how they deal with disagreements. Cut off the person. So unhealthy.

And his mom is very catholic and devoted. Our child will be receiving her 1st communion in a few weeks and we are raising her in our faith. I think she would love to know this about her great-grandaughter.

Idk. I am conflicted.

You mean about her granddaughter?

Your MIL is 100 but you have a child just getting first communion?

Just come out and admit you’re talking about DH’s grandma, not his mom

Made clear in my OP. My FIL mother. Husband's grandmother. Soooo read a little closer.

[Anonymous]

They may be making terrible choices, but they are their choices to make. And this is the result of long-standing and entrenched dysfunction - you’re being a bit naive imagining your potential impact - if it were that easy, 20 years wouldn’t have gone by.

They are grown adults and this is not your role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may be making terrible choices, but they are their choices to make. And this is the result of long-standing and entrenched dysfunction - you’re being a bit naive imagining your potential impact - if it were that easy, 20 years wouldn’t have gone by.

They are grown adults and this is not your role.

Thank you. Sincerely. I am a middle child and the peacemaker. However it is not my place, as you've advised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way before Iet my DH, his family had a fallout (over 20 yrs ago)over something incredibly stupid. (An email was accidentally sent with unkind remarks).

My SIL is the root of this and she has always been a troublemaker. She has caused lots of problems btw my inlaws and us.

Anyway, my FIL misses his mother terribly. She is now well over 100 yrs old and I think he is going to regret not repairing their relationship once she passes.

My DH does not want to get involved. But I was thinking of calling her, letting her know her son loves her and misses her, etc.

Btw he sends her flowers every year for her bday. She does not respond. However, her daughter (who she lives with) is a troublemaker too. So it isn't quite clear how his mom feels.

Should I stay out of it? MYOB?

I don't want to damage the relationship I have w in laws, especially for my child.

Advice?

As long as your FIL is still mentally capable, ask him if he wants you to do that. Don't just do it on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may be making terrible choices, but they are their choices to make. And this is the result of long-standing and entrenched dysfunction - you’re being a bit naive imagining your potential impact - if it were that easy, 20 years wouldn’t have gone by.

They are grown adults and this is not your role.

Thank you. Sincerely. I am a middle child and the peacemaker. However it is not my place, as you've advised.

I'm a middle child/peacemaker, too, but damn girl...this isn't even your own family.

[Anonymous]

You cannot manage other people's relationships for them. Unless your husband asks you to do something, stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may be making terrible choices, but they are their choices to make. And this is the result of long-standing and entrenched dysfunction - you’re being a bit naive imagining your potential impact - if it were that easy, 20 years wouldn’t have gone by.

They are grown adults and this is not your role.

Thank you. Sincerely. I am a middle child and the peacemaker. However it is not my place, as you've advised.

I'm a middle child/peacemaker, too, but damn girl...this isn't even your own family.

How is this not my family? I have been married into it for 15 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may be making terrible choices, but they are their choices to make. And this is the result of long-standing and entrenched dysfunction - you’re being a bit naive imagining your potential impact - if it were that easy, 20 years wouldn’t have gone by.

They are grown adults and this is not your role.

Thank you. Sincerely. I am a middle child and the peacemaker. However it is not my place, as you've advised.

I'm a middle child/peacemaker, too, but damn girl...this isn't even your own family.

How is this not my family? I have been married into it for 15 years?

Get this: they were all fully-grown adults before your husband met you.

What makes you think that you know better than a group of adults what THEIR relationships should look like?!

You care about them. That's nice. Good for you. That doesn't make you the Decider, that doesn't make you the Director, that doesn't make you the Boss, that doesn't make you the All-Knowing Relationship Guru.

[Anonymous]

You should stay out solely for the fact that it is not a woman’s job to manage a grown man’s relationships for him. It just further perpetuates the idea that women are responsible for the emotional labor men should be doing.

Your FIL is an adult capable of reading books, going to therapy, etc to learn how to repair relationships.

If you want to let her know about your child, that’s fine. But don’t do it with the intention of fixing the family.

[Anonymous]

People say I should fix my relationship with my own mother, or fix the relationship between her and my brother. I get that it’s difficult for people to understand, this wouldn’t be good for anyone. She has a personality disorder, and is very abusive.

I really wish no one would ever say to me again “But, she’s your mother! What is something happens to her? Won’t you feel guilty?” I have been conditioned since I was a small child to feel guilty and responsible for her choices and behavior. It took 20 years of therapy to finally get I don’t need to subject myself to abuse to assuage my own guilt.

I see that OP has decided to stay out of it. For anyone else reading this thread, please just stay out of people’s relationships with their estranged parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay in your lane, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know you should stay out of it. It's sad, but it's not for you to manage.

Recently my DH had a falling out w them. He asked what to do. I said you will regret it for the rest of your life if something happened to them and you didn't repair the relationship.

And SIL was the cause of this fight.

This is how they deal with disagreements. Cut off the person. So unhealthy.

And his mom is very catholic and devoted. Our child will be receiving her 1st communion in a few weeks and we are raising her in our faith. I think she would love to know this about her great-grandaughter.

Idk. I am conflicted.

You mean about her granddaughter?

Your MIL is 100 but you have a child just getting first communion?

Just come out and admit you’re talking about DH’s grandma, not his mom

she does not need to admit, she has been talking since the first post about her FIL and his mother (thus DH's grandmother). if you did not get it, it's on you, it was very clear