Life of the party at funerals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a grief vulture.

OOf. Just looked this up and the description fits my family member, but I hope it's not a real thing?? The thing that sounded really similar was the swooping in on near strangers who start crying (during the actual funeral service) and she loudly comforting them, patting and rubbing them on the back and hugging them. And the poor bewildered person is nearly pushing and waving her away saying "I'm fine, I'm FINE".

She's no stranger to me, but she really did go big with the loss of our child. I mean, I could give so many examples, but the point is, it really felt like it was about her loss. Without telling me, she wrote long letters to all my friends - who she had met only once before.

In the end, I was able to push back on her, like when she kept unloading onto me tragic story after tragic story of so-and-so, or more stories of how my child's spirit has been visiting her every day, or when she continued pressuring me to share my feelings about the loss with her. I basically told her - I'm sorry, I know you are trying to help, but a lot of the things you are saying to me are just not helping me, and I don't want to talk about it with you. I can recommend a grief support group for you if you need someone to talk to about your loss. As for me, I have plenty of friends to talk about this with, along with a grief counselor.

That's just weird. Sorry, op, you shouldn't have to deal with that on top of the loss of your child.

[Anonymous]

I’m very sorry for your loss and sorry that you had to experience that behavior at your child’s funeral.

This person makes me think of the people who laugh in completely inappropriate situations. I’m thinking of people like the school counselor who I met with about my child with a disability nearly getting thrown out of school. She laughed during the entire meeting. Nerves? Anxiety? I don’t know. But I wanted to strangle her. Something is seriously wrong with people like that.

[Anonymous]

I’m struck by the number of people on this thread normalizing or dismissing crazy aunt’s abhorrent behavior at the OP’s child’s funeral. There are a few things in life as gutting as losing a child. This lady would’ve been shown the door to both my house and my life. No drama, end of story. There’s some bright lines in life and this kind of behavior is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who always lights up for funerals. Turns into a total social butterfly, chatting everyone up, making introductions, and runs over to anyone who is crying and starts hugging them, offering them tissues, and offering platitudes. She becomes the life of the party, trying to brighten everyone up and make everyone feel better. It is a weird thing to see, and maybe more so for me because in those situations, I am more introverted and self-reflective, and more subdued.

The thing that really sticks in my mind though is when we had a very traumatic loss of our child - she was again so cheerful the day of the funeral, and it really rubbed me the wrong way - she was just constantly going on, about how my child's spirit has been visiting her every day and how happy that made her feel, and made some silver lining speech in front of all our families about how she knew there were forces at work that we do not understand, because it brought her so much joy because she could see that this loss finally brought her family together again (many had been estranged from each other and not talking). I mean, I guess she was trying to cheer everyone up but all I wanted her to do was just stop talking and stop coming over me whenever I started crying, trying to make me feel "better" by hugging me and giving more platitudes.

I just need to know - what is this? Is it just some sort of anxiety? On the surface, to me, it almost feels like she almost thrives and comes alive from the pain of others. But I realize that might just be colored by my negative view. Or maybe some people are just like this in these situations, everyone deals with loss differently, etc? Maybe it just seems especially abrasive and aggressive and overstepping boundaries to me, because I have a very opposite kind of reaction in these situations where I get more quiet, want more space to just process my feelings.

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I also have lost two children and it is with me every day. I want to point out that if you're not in grief therapy right now then you need to consider it. Your focus on this other woman is not helpful to you. A good therapist or grief therapy group can help you focus on things that will help you move forward. Hugs and best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a grief vulture.

OOf. Just looked this up and the description fits my family member, but I hope it's not a real thing?? The thing that sounded really similar was the swooping in on near strangers who start crying (during the actual funeral service) and she loudly comforting them, patting and rubbing them on the back and hugging them. And the poor bewildered person is nearly pushing and waving her away saying "I'm fine, I'm FINE".

She's no stranger to me, but she really did go big with the loss of our child. I mean, I could give so many examples, but the point is, it really felt like it was about her loss. Without telling me, she wrote long letters to all my friends - who she had met only once before.

In the end, I was able to push back on her, like when she kept unloading onto me tragic story after tragic story of so-and-so, or more stories of how my child's spirit has been visiting her every day, or when she continued pressuring me to share my feelings about the loss with her. I basically told her - I'm sorry, I know you are trying to help, but a lot of the things you are saying to me are just not helping me, and I don't want to talk about it with you. I can recommend a grief support group for you if you need someone to talk to about your loss. As for me, I have plenty of friends to talk about this with, along with a grief counselor.

You need to discuss your reaction and fixation with your grief counselor. What you're doing here is not a healthy coping mechanism and your grief counselor will help you see that.

[Anonymous]

My family is distant and sometimes the only way I see them for years on end is at funerals. I can’t help but feel positive feelings when I see them. I would never go on about how someone’s death is a good thing though, that’s nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is distant and sometimes the only way I see them for years on end is at funerals. I can’t help but feel positive feelings when I see them. I would never go on about how someone’s death is a good thing though, that’s nuts.

+1 For many years, the only time my family got together was for funerals - including the untimely/tragic deaths of 2 of my siblings (teenager/young adult). I am not excusing the OP's aunt and I recognize that everyone grieves differently. For our family, we allow our sorrow to show but we also use it to reaffirm our connections to family and friends. Yet, writing letters to OP's friends? I suspect there's mental illness at play. Not an excuse but, perhaps, an explanation.

I'm really sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

People uncomfortable with death, dying and grief. Or a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss, OP. She sounds insensitive. And interfering. And it’s a horrible thing to have said it was a silver lining that the family came together because your child died. That’s awful. She sounds like a loon.

Yeah, that is beyond horrible. I would have screamed in her face at a minimum or probably punched her in the mouth. I'm so sorry, OP.