Life of the party at funerals

[Anonymous]

It was poor behavior given we are talking about the loss of a child, but everyone deals differently. I would forgive her, but just avoid her and know that was not appropriate.

In a different situation, the end of a very complete life cycle, I am not sobbing like some. When a grandparent at 85, 90, 94 died I was at peace. When my own parent died (much older than other parent) I had been there for the whole process of decline through 7 years and the end was just awful and full of suffering with no hope for any quality of life if parent lived. I was relieved when the suffering was over. When a sobbing sibling was livid that I was not sobbing I thought it was so inappropriate. She went years where she saw our parent maybe once or twice the whole span. She only visited more toward the end. They even had periods of estrangement. Not her place to tell me I am not allowed to be at peace and relieved.

[Anonymous]

People are different, but she clearly means well. You have to let this kind of thing bounce off of you.

Think of it this way - is there any behavior that would have made you feel better at your child’s funeral? Probably not, right? Of course she should have read your signals and backed off, but people don’t do the perfect thing all the time and often they don’t even when it’s important. If it’s not malicious you should try to be generous (later, obviously no one would hold it against YOU if you didn’t do the perfect thing on the day).

Being generous towards this family member is also the best way to rid yourself of the irritation you feel towards her. There’s no other path out of your own feelings that will work (again, I’m talking about funerals that are not your child’s, don’t ask anything at all of yourself on that day related to anyone but yourself and your immediate family).

[Anonymous]

Op here and thanks for the perspective. I guess ideally I am hoping it’s just her way of coping with something that provokes anxiety.

And it jives with how she is about her own health. She is obsessed with health, and is very outspoken about people taking responsibility for their own health. She has not left her house for a year because of covid, even for grocery shopping. She very much wants to live as long as humanly possible.

Even though she is very religious, and Christian, she was also talking to everyone who would listen, including me and my husband, about how she went to consult with a psychic about how the spirit of my child kept visiting her, and she knew it was because my child wanted to reassure her. And to help her find lost things, etc. she even took a photo she took of her house and there was some glare, and she “knew” it was my child visiting her. So maybe it’s just her wanting to believe that her time comes, even after death, she’s always going to stick around here on earth in some way or other.

I really, really want to believe that it’s just anxiety rather than her wanting the attention and making it all about her.

[Anonymous]

She is absolutely terrified and it is anxiety is my guess. And wants to comfort you but yes she is terrified of the pain of your loss and wishes she could comfort you and doesn’t know how. I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is very strange behavior. I don’t think she means harm by it though.

Personally I like funerals. I’m sad the person died of course but I do enjoy going to them. I feel less pressure and able to relax as opposed to weddings which I absolutely hate.

There is absolutely nothing to like or find joy with when you're talking about a child's funeral. I'm sorry OP. It's inappropriate and I would be livid.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety and fear of her own well-being/mortality. That's my best guess. Anxiety = you want to control things and make things feel OK and safe and normal.

I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety and fear of her own well-being/mortality. That's my best guess. Anxiety = you want to control things and make things feel OK and safe and normal.

I'm sorry, OP.

That would be my guess as well. I'm sorry, OP.

I had a similar experience with an aunt when my parent died. It's very weird, that the supposedly-comforting things that "we" believe in religion (the afterlife is a paradise! God called him home! this was all God's plan!) are things that are essentially totally inappropriate to actually say to someone who is in the throes of a loss.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a grief vulture.

[Anonymous]

Possibly narcissistic or has narcissistic personality traits

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

My Fil who has an overwhelming dread of dying acts absolutely punch drunk at funerals. Sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your loss, OP.

Everyone has a crazy aunt, let it go.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a whackaloon who is not even an ounce self aware and I would avoid her at all costs. I'm so sorry for your loss and that this relative made the day even more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a grief vulture.

OOf. Just looked this up and the description fits my family member, but I hope it's not a real thing?? The thing that sounded really similar was the swooping in on near strangers who start crying (during the actual funeral service) and she loudly comforting them, patting and rubbing them on the back and hugging them. And the poor bewildered person is nearly pushing and waving her away saying "I'm fine, I'm FINE".

She's no stranger to me, but she really did go big with the loss of our child. I mean, I could give so many examples, but the point is, it really felt like it was about her loss. Without telling me, she wrote long letters to all my friends - who she had met only once before.

In the end, I was able to push back on her, like when she kept unloading onto me tragic story after tragic story of so-and-so, or more stories of how my child's spirit has been visiting her every day, or when she continued pressuring me to share my feelings about the loss with her. I basically told her - I'm sorry, I know you are trying to help, but a lot of the things you are saying to me are just not helping me, and I don't want to talk about it with you. I can recommend a grief support group for you if you need someone to talk to about your loss. As for me, I have plenty of friends to talk about this with, along with a grief counselor.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, I'm so sorry. I'm anti confrontational, but I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from going up to her, putting my hand in her face and saying, "you need to be quiet now. I do not have it in me to deal with THIS. You can be quiet, or you can leave."

She sounds like a leech.