Life of the party at funerals

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who always lights up for funerals. Turns into a total social butterfly, chatting everyone up, making introductions, and runs over to anyone who is crying and starts hugging them, offering them tissues, and offering platitudes. She becomes the life of the party, trying to brighten everyone up and make everyone feel better. It is a weird thing to see, and maybe more so for me because in those situations, I am more introverted and self-reflective, and more subdued.

The thing that really sticks in my mind though is when we had a very traumatic loss of our child - she was again so cheerful the day of the funeral, and it really rubbed me the wrong way - she was just constantly going on, about how my child's spirit has been visiting her every day and how happy that made her feel, and made some silver lining speech in front of all our families about how she knew there were forces at work that we do not understand, because it brought her so much joy because she could see that this loss finally brought her family together again (many had been estranged from each other and not talking). I mean, I guess she was trying to cheer everyone up but all I wanted her to do was just stop talking and stop coming over me whenever I started crying, trying to make me feel "better" by hugging me and giving more platitudes.

I just need to know - what is this? Is it just some sort of anxiety? On the surface, to me, it almost feels like she almost thrives and comes alive from the pain of others. But I realize that might just be colored by my negative view. Or maybe some people are just like this in these situations, everyone deals with loss differently, etc? Maybe it just seems especially abrasive and aggressive and overstepping boundaries to me, because I have a very opposite kind of reaction in these situations where I get more quiet, want more space to just process my feelings.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss, op. I think this may be a case of “different people are different”. If she truly believes in an afterlife, she may process grief in a different way.

It sounds like you may have a challenging family, as you mention some estrangements. It could be that she has boundary issues, and that’s what you’re sensing. It’s hard to imagine someone being “upbeat” at the funeral of a child, especially in front of the parents. I’m used to Irish funerals, which often start off somber, but turn into laughter-filled celebrations of the person and their life. Always with the wry note of very much missing that person though. It sounds like she’s missing the “missing” part.

[Anonymous]

That is very strange behavior. I don’t think she means harm by it though.

Personally I like funerals. I’m sad the person died of course but I do enjoy going to them. I feel less pressure and able to relax as opposed to weddings which I absolutely hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss, op. I think this may be a case of “different people are different”. If she truly believes in an afterlife, she may process grief in a different way.

It sounds like you may have a challenging family, as you mention some estrangements. It could be that she has boundary issues, and that’s what you’re sensing. It’s hard to imagine someone being “upbeat” at the funeral of a child, especially in front of the parents. I’m used to Irish funerals, which often start off somber, but turn into laughter-filled celebrations of the person and their life. Always with the wry note of very much missing that person though. It sounds like she’s missing the “missing” part.

Yes, she believes in an afterlife, she is religious. But many others are as well, but they don't act cheerful and lively and become the center of attention at these functions. Yes to boundary issues, and I've often had to be very firm with her with boundaries. But I just don't have the same mental and emotional strength to do that when I'm hurting, and it almost feels like she senses the wounded animal and is going in because she knows I don't have the strength to fight back.

[Anonymous]

You think there is an afterlife. She knows there is snd knows it’s sad to lose a lives one but knows they are “in a better place”.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

I would avoid that family member as much as possible. Super weird behavior

[Anonymous]

Im very sorry for your loss, op. This person sounds difficult I have a family member a bit like this-fewer speeches but almost a giddy attitude. In his case I think it’s overcompensation for extreme fear of death and discomfort with mortality.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. Nothing compares.

I have a cousin like this. Same with the speech at the funeral for a child. I cut ties after the funeral. I just couldn’t take it anymore. In her case, I think she’s a sociopathic narcissist who wanted the attention on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think there is an afterlife. She knows there is snd knows it’s sad to lose a lives one but knows they are “in a better place”.

Oh, no, PP. No no no.

Never be that person.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so very sorry for your loss.

One thing you know: her behavior is not personal to you, or to the loss of your child. It is consistent with what you have seen before from her, so you know this is...what she does at funerals, universally.

The only thing I can think is that this is how she deals with grief, and maybe with any kind of anxiety-producing situation. Maybe at one point she was praised for being a hopeful or uplifting friend in a crisis, and that stuck with her as A Helpful Thing to Do. Or maybe she was criticized for "wallowing" in grief (as I was as a young adult when my grandma died), and she did a 180 to avoid that criticism again.

I don't know, and I don't think anyone can truly know.

I can see why this is bothering you when it comes to the loss of your child. It might be something to explore with a therapist or a grief counselor, just to help you process this one more thing on top of all you are experiencing.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. She sounds insensitive. And interfering. And it’s a horrible thing to have said it was a silver lining that the family came together because your child died. That’s awful. She sounds like a loon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think there is an afterlife. She knows there is snd knows it’s sad to lose a lives one but knows they are “in a better place”.

Oh, no, PP. No no no.

Never be that person.

Agree. Don’t ever tell someone who has lost a child they are better off....

[Anonymous]

I think it sounds like anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP, people have different ways of handling loss and death. This family member's behavior isn't about you, or anyone else - it is about her. Maybe she has not yet registered the loss, or maybe she is at peace with it.

The people at funerals that I don't understand are the ones who always have to make the speeches, and they go on and on and on, ad nauseam, because they have to put the focus on them, at every chance (they do this at other people's weddings, too).

As long as she is trying to help, she feels useful, and it might be her way of managing an otherwise awkward situation - she wants to help. It shouldn't be a big deal.

Some people laugh at funerals, because they are grief stricken, and simply don't know what else to do. They deal with the loss in their own time, on their own terms, and that is fine.

Don't try to DCUM psychoanalyze or make it about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, people have different ways of handling loss and death. This family member's behavior isn't about you, or anyone else - it is about her. Maybe she has not yet registered the loss, or maybe she is at peace with it.

The people at funerals that I don't understand are the ones who always have to make the speeches, and they go on and on and on, ad nauseam, because they have to put the focus on them, at every chance (they do this at other people's weddings, too).

As long as she is trying to help, she feels useful, and it might be her way of managing an otherwise awkward situation - she wants to help. It shouldn't be a big deal.

Some people laugh at funerals, because they are grief stricken, and simply don't know what else to do. They deal with the loss in their own time, on their own terms, and that is fine.

Don't try to DCUM psychoanalyze or make it about you.

Wtf? She’s talking about behavior at her child’s funeral that made her uncomfortable. That’s definitely about her!