Making friends with immigrant families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused as to why you preface your post by claiming how you love living in a mostly immigrant neighborhood when it’s clear that the end result is that you and your children feel isolated and are struggling to make connections. It seems like you like the idea in theory/being able to claim your “woke” creds but not so much in practice.

This, and I am an immigrant. My child used to go to school with many immigrant kids and heck, I felt isolated! Same as you described. Moved him to a school with many American families as well as more educated immigrant families and boom, he had playdates and birthday parties. It’s also a socioeconomic issue.

I think these posters make good points.

You want your immigrant neighbors to know how American suburbia is supposed to work but they can’t and they don’t. Consider from the perspective that your way of doing things isn’t the right way and that you are the odd person out in the neighborhood. If you want a more diverse experience but a more traditional American suburb experience then look for neighborhoods with children of immigrant parents who are now themselves parents. They exist and will probably get you a little closer to what you want.

And some practical advice, start where you are, get to know your immediate neighbors on your street/block well even if your kid isn’t the same age. When you see them outside, speak and say hello and plan to have an actual conversation. Ask after their family - if you know them by name ask about each. Make sure to make a compliment. Appear to have all the time in the world to chat. Don’t adopt a tone of voice that you would use to speak to a child - high pitched and overly smiley.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you need to invite the whole family over or to an outing like meeting at a park due to covid. Many immigrant families do things as a family and as a pp said, would not trust just having their kid go to someone's house they don't know. Wouldn't do drop off birthdays either.

I am now a grown adult from an immigrant family and this is completely true. We always (and still do) things as a complete family. You know that entire family grocery shopping? That’s me. Growing up I was not allowed to do drop off parties or even sleepovers. My family would come. We recognize that there was a difference with American families and along with the language barrier there wasn’t a lot of cross invitations even though everybody was friendly with each other. Some situations were uncomfortable because of this (even the most well-meaning families).

Oh boy. I don’t care what you do with other families but please don’t go grocery shopping as a family. Signed, another immigrant.

You do you.

[Anonymous]

Connect with food. Talk abiut food, share recipes, and share food if in a covid appropriate way. I know how to make Korean anchovies now, thankfully! And really good hummus. And some really boring, but delicious Friendship casserole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you need to invite the whole family over or to an outing like meeting at a park due to covid. Many immigrant families do things as a family and as a pp said, would not trust just having their kid go to someone's house they don't know. Wouldn't do drop off birthdays either.

I am now a grown adult from an immigrant family and this is completely true. We always (and still do) things as a complete family. You know that entire family grocery shopping? That’s me. Growing up I was not allowed to do drop off parties or even sleepovers. My family would come. We recognize that there was a difference with American families and along with the language barrier there wasn’t a lot of cross invitations even though everybody was friendly with each other. Some situations were uncomfortable because of this (even the most well-meaning families).

Oh boy. I don’t care what you do with other families but please don’t go grocery shopping as a family. Signed, another immigrant.

Immigrant here.This is a free country. People can go shopping alone or with the entire clan. Don’t like it, go back to where you came from.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm going to try to tone down the snark I'm feeling here.

First of all, you've gotten some decent practical advice. Connect with families, over food, meet people where they are (metaphorically), don't have unrealistic expectations.

But please examine your motivations and attitudes, which are no doubt contributing to the issue as you perceive it.

You think it's super-cool to have lots of neighbors from all over the world. But your expectations of them are very (esp white) American. Organized playdates and so on. You seem largely to expect them to conform to your own way of doing things. Except maybe by making some "cool" food or wearing "cool" clothes or whatever bits of spice they add as a condiment to your life, which is the unquestioned main course.

You moved into a neighborhood that is largely comprised of immigrants and yet...?

"It feels like they want to stick to their “own kind” which defeats the whole purpose of living in a diverse area."

That's YOUR goal for living in a "diverse area." They may live in your neighborhood because it contains more people from their home country, because it's cheaper, because it's closer to whatever (public transport, ethnic church, etc.), because they assumed that a largely immigrant neighborhood, even if not only comprised of one immigrant group, wouldn't pressure them as much with white American expectations. And so on.

"Any ideas on how to encourage them to be friendlier?"

Surely you can understand how this statement makes them the problem. It's their fault for not being "friendlier" by your standards.

OP, you need to humble yourself and fit in with this community instead of expecting them to adjust their ways of doing things for your sake.

I am a white American living in a neighborhood like the one you described. Maybe even the same one. DH is an immigrant of color but largely grew up in the USA. This does help in 2 ways-- he gets where folks are coming from and can also be more of a bridge-- eg, immigrant neighbors trust him more than they would just me. That said, we face some of these same social challenges, but I never once thought to ascribe responsibility or blame to our neighbors. Instead my expectations are:

-Most of my DD's school friends from these communities will be school-only friends, especially in ES. That's okay.

-(Pre-COVID) We invite the entire class to birthday parties and the like and always make it clear parents are welcome to stay. That does not mean that most of her immigrant-family classmates will come, but a decent chunk absolutely do. Then we can chat and set up a connection. Sometimes they will then be available for some form of socializing.

-(Pre-COVID) We hang out at school pickup to chat with parents per above. We go to school events where the whole community comes out. We are involved in the PTA. Etc. All opportunities to connect.

-It is MY responsibility to reach out and make our family/home feel welcoming. Either I do that, or DD ends up overwhelmingly with friends who are vast-majority white and non-immigrants. That's the choice. I mean, I can complain about it, but it won't change anything.

A lot of this is easier absent COVID, of course, but it's completely possible *with effort on your part*. You seem willing to make some degree of effort, but I think you have to accept that it's mostly going to fall on you and that's okay, that there's nothing lacking about these families, that you don't have to change them and they don't have to change themselves. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you need to invite the whole family over or to an outing like meeting at a park due to covid. Many immigrant families do things as a family and as a pp said, would not trust just having their kid go to someone's house they don't know. Wouldn't do drop off birthdays either.

I am now a grown adult from an immigrant family and this is completely true. We always (and still do) things as a complete family. You know that entire family grocery shopping? That’s me. Growing up I was not allowed to do drop off parties or even sleepovers. My family would come. We recognize that there was a difference with American families and along with the language barrier there wasn’t a lot of cross invitations even though everybody was friendly with each other. Some situations were uncomfortable because of this (even the most well-meaning families).

Oh boy. I don’t care what you do with other families but please don’t go grocery shopping as a family. Signed, another immigrant.

Immigrant here.This is a free country. People can go shopping alone or with the entire clan. Don’t like it, go back to where you came from.

Hahaha. Very soon I will be living where I came from, even without moving, because people bring their habits with them. So, don't worry about me.

[Anonymous]

I am an immigrant from a country that has fewer immigrants in this area. I am forced, if you will, to make friends with Americans and immigrants from other countries. I am most comfortable around other immigrants and if there was a large population from my home country here, I would possibly socialize with them extensively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you communicating/ reaching out? You might want to send home a hand-written note asking them to call you.

My parents are immigrants and I wasn’t allowed to go to peoples houses where my parents didn’t know the other kids parents. I don’t know if anyone ever reached out to my parents or not, but I never played with friends from school outside of school in early elementary, only neighborhood kids (probably for that reason). My parents just didn’t fee comfortable dropping me at someone’s house who they didn’t know.

Same. No way my parents would let me stay at someone else's house if my parents didn't know the other family. Befriend the parents. Build bridges. The trust will come after. Not everyone has a playdate culture--the kids play while the parents hang out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in an area where the vast majority of families are immigrants, which is one of the reasons I love my neighborhood. However, I’m having really hard time making friends with the families. My kids are very friendly with their kids at school but whenever I try to set up play dates, they don’t respond to me, and I understand many are not fluent in English, but they have ignored birthday party invitations too. I’m at a loss on how to get the kids together. My elementary age DD is sad that she can’t talk to some of her friends. It’s a little easier with my 10 yo because he can set up his own virtual playdates in the form of gaming without parent involvement, but I have yet to hear from his best friends parents from over two years. It feels like they want to stick to their “own kind” which defeats the whole purpose of living in a diverse area. Of course not all are like this but it seems like the vast majority of my children’s friends are like this. Any ideas on how to encourage them to be friendlier? With quarantining, I don’t even see them anymore at school events so I really don’t know how to get the parents to respond.

that is your problem. you are trying to change them. ask yourself what *you* can do, not how *they* can be friendlier to you.

[Anonymous]

Op I like you but the whole post is kind of cringey. “Immigrants” are not a monolith population here for your entertainment and to up your cool factor and be educational playmates for your friends. You seem nice, sorry to be harsh. As an immigrant family of brown people it’s nice to know friendly people are out there. Have them for tea and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now, in the pandemic, no one is doing drop off playdates unless they know the family well and trust them. Asian families, especially, are worried about racism and backlash. They are not sure they can trust you.

As PPs have suggested, you need to invite the whole family - a park playdate now that it is getting warmer is a good idea.

THIS! there's a pandemic, it doesn't have anything to do with them being immigrant.

Signed,
An immigrant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant from a country that has fewer immigrants in this area. I am forced, if you will, to make friends with Americans and immigrants from other countries. I am most comfortable around other immigrants and if there was a large population from my home country here, I would possibly socialize with them extensively.

Yikes. I"m an immigrant from a country that has a lot of immigrants in this area. I can't imagine picking friends on the basis of their country of origin, and i'd love OP's invitations. When my family moved, i was in high school, and i appreciated so much when the local kids invited me to their homes, parties, events, etc.

But there is a pandemic. I am pretty sure that's the problem at the moment. OP, don't give up -- just try again once cases are down; immigrants are just like everyone else, the cultural codes are just slightly different.

[Anonymous]

diversity is very important to white Americans. not so much to other nationalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:diversity is very important to white Americans. not so much to other nationalities.

That’s because the other families are the diversity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Immigrant families from where? Impossible to help you without this information.

-Foreigner

This. We have immigrant friends that include affluent Persians and Nigerians, middle class Irish and Koreans, working class Ethiopians and Dominicans.