Making friends with immigrant families

[Anonymous]

The days of everyone meeting at the park to play baseball or soccer until dinner are long gone. Plus as adults you can easily get buy never speaking/knowing much English for decades!

Now it's Tom Wolfe's Diversity Dispersity: at home, at work, at school.

[Anonymous]

This may have more to do with the fact that we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I have not been seeing the friends we have known for years. Definitely have not met up with anyone new that I don’t know.

I absolutely would not let my child have a play date with a new person right now. He has had less than 5 in an entire year.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a nice person and a great neighbor, OP. Be patient. It will happen!

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in to say that I found it difficult as well. Many don't know English well and aren't willing to learn and I'm not keen on learning their language. One would think that immigrants would want to communicate with their "new" society, but in my experience, they tend to isolate themselves by only communicating with people from their culture. When I was in other countries, I made every effort to communicate in the dominant language, even if I wasn't great at it. I made an effort. Op, if you really want to reach out to them on their terms, send your neighbors a note in their native language. See if that breaks the ice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in an area where the vast majority of families are immigrants, which is one of the reasons I love my neighborhood. However, I’m having really hard time making friends with the families. My kids are very friendly with their kids at school but whenever I try to set up play dates, they don’t respond to me , and I understand many are not fluent in English, but they have ignored birthday party invitations too. I’m at a loss on how to get the kids together. My elementary age DD is sad that she can’t talk to some of her friends. It’s a little easier with my 10 yo because he can set up his own virtual playdates in the form of gaming without parent involvement, but I have yet to hear from his best friends parents from over two years. It feels like they want to stick to their “own kind” which defeats the whole purpose of living in a diverse area. Of course not all are like this but it seems like the vast majority of my children’s friends are like this. Any ideas on how to encourage them to be friendlier? With quarantining, I don’t even see them anymore at school events so I really don’t know how to get the parents to respond.

How do you try to set up playdates specifically? By putting a note into your kids back pack to give to another kid to give to their parents?
It's not their English. I've lived in this country for 25 years (came in my late teens for college), and there is zero chance my child is going anywhere on just a note or just a phone call following the note. If there was no face-to-face contact with parent (during a school event, at the playground, or via "family invited" birthday party) - I am not taking the time out of my day to figure out who you are because there is a note in the back pack. There is also zero chance for drop off playdates or birthday parties until I know you and the rest of the family that resides with you. This is in Bethesda. I love your country, but I am not going to trust you with my child blindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to say that I found it difficult as well. Many don't know English well and aren't willing to learn and I'm not keen on learning their language. One would think that immigrants would want to communicate with their "new" society, but in my experience, they tend to isolate themselves by only communicating with people from their culture. When I was in other countries, I made every effort to communicate in the dominant language, even if I wasn't great at it. I made an effort. Op, if you really want to reach out to them on their terms, send your neighbors a note in their native language. See if that breaks the ice.

+1 no need to learn english. also no desire to learn english. Or baseball, or the anthem, or apple pie.

[Anonymous]

I am a child of immigrants. My parents have been living in the US for 40 years and I don’t think they have any friends that are not from their native country.

When I was growing up, I played outside with my friends everyday. Parents were not involved. I just knew I had to be home for dinner. There were no cell phones back then.

[Anonymous]

Some of you people are so tedious. You make friends naturally, the harder you try to do so, the more people are going to be suspicious of your motivations and avoid you, immigrant or not. OP, be yourself, smile and wave. If you are befriended, great. If not, oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused as to why you preface your post by claiming how you love living in a mostly immigrant neighborhood when it’s clear that the end result is that you and your children feel isolated and are struggling to make connections. It seems like you like the idea in theory/being able to claim your “woke” creds but not so much in practice.

OK Trumpie shut up.

Get a dictionary for the word "Woke" here try dictionary.com.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to try to tone down the snark I'm feeling here.

First of all, you've gotten some decent practical advice. Connect with families, over food, meet people where they are (metaphorically), don't have unrealistic expectations.

But please examine your motivations and attitudes, which are no doubt contributing to the issue as you perceive it.

You think it's super-cool to have lots of neighbors from all over the world. But your expectations of them are very (esp white) American. Organized playdates and so on. You seem largely to expect them to conform to your own way of doing things. Except maybe by making some "cool" food or wearing "cool" clothes or whatever bits of spice they add as a condiment to your life, which is the unquestioned main course.

You moved into a neighborhood that is largely comprised of immigrants and yet...?

"It feels like they want to stick to their “own kind” which defeats the whole purpose of living in a diverse area."

That's YOUR goal for living in a "diverse area." They may live in your neighborhood because it contains more people from their home country, because it's cheaper, because it's closer to whatever (public transport, ethnic church, etc.), because they assumed that a largely immigrant neighborhood, even if not only comprised of one immigrant group, wouldn't pressure them as much with white American expectations. And so on.

"Any ideas on how to encourage them to be friendlier?"

Surely you can understand how this statement makes them the problem. It's their fault for not being "friendlier" by your standards.

OP, you need to humble yourself and fit in with this community instead of expecting them to adjust their ways of doing things for your sake.

I am a white American living in a neighborhood like the one you described. Maybe even the same one. DH is an immigrant of color but largely grew up in the USA. This does help in 2 ways-- he gets where folks are coming from and can also be more of a bridge-- eg, immigrant neighbors trust him more than they would just me. That said, we face some of these same social challenges, but I never once thought to ascribe responsibility or blame to our neighbors. Instead my expectations are:

-Most of my DD's school friends from these communities will be school-only friends, especially in ES. That's okay.

-(Pre-COVID) We invite the entire class to birthday parties and the like and always make it clear parents are welcome to stay. That does not mean that most of her immigrant-family classmates will come, but a decent chunk absolutely do. Then we can chat and set up a connection. Sometimes they will then be available for some form of socializing.

-(Pre-COVID) We hang out at school pickup to chat with parents per above. We go to school events where the whole community comes out. We are involved in the PTA. Etc. All opportunities to connect.

-It is MY responsibility to reach out and make our family/home feel welcoming. Either I do that, or DD ends up overwhelmingly with friends who are vast-majority white and non-immigrants. That's the choice. I mean, I can complain about it, but it won't change anything.

A lot of this is easier absent COVID, of course, but it's completely possible *with effort on your part*. You seem willing to make some degree of effort, but I think you have to accept that it's mostly going to fall on you and that's okay, that there's nothing lacking about these families, that you don't have to change them and they don't have to change themselves. Good luck.

Thank you for this. I think we’d get along.

An immigrant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to say that I found it difficult as well. Many don't know English well and aren't willing to learn and I'm not keen on learning their language. One would think that immigrants would want to communicate with their "new" society, but in my experience, they tend to isolate themselves by only communicating with people from their culture. When I was in other countries, I made every effort to communicate in the dominant language, even if I wasn't great at it. I made an effort. Op, if you really want to reach out to them on their terms, send your neighbors a note in their native language. See if that breaks the ice.

+1 no need to learn english. also no desire to learn english. Or baseball, or the anthem, or apple pie.

Anthem - yes, but otherwise it’s soccer and strudel for me. I like what I like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a child of immigrants. My parents have been living in the US for 40 years and I don’t think they have any friends that are not from their native country.

When I was growing up, I played outside with my friends everyday. Parents were not involved. I just knew I had to be home for dinner. There were no cell phones back then.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to say that I found it difficult as well. Many don't know English well and aren't willing to learn and I'm not keen on learning their language. One would think that immigrants would want to communicate with their "new" society, but in my experience, they tend to isolate themselves by only communicating with people from their culture. When I was in other countries, I made every effort to communicate in the dominant language, even if I wasn't great at it. I made an effort. Op, if you really want to reach out to them on their terms, send your neighbors a note in their native language. See if that breaks the ice.

Omg. The judgment on this one!

Do you understand cultural nuances? Some of these immigrants are from countries that are culturally very different from US. A lot of other people don't indulge in small talk the way Americans do, so your questions/chit-chat might appear weird to them. And why are they supposed to be your friends? I see someone that I have nothing in common with, except that our kids are friends, I am not obligated to be their friends, that too when I have a social circle of my own. It's ok and legal for immigrants to learn or not learn English.

It's great for you that you had the confidence to go out of your way to make friends when you were in other countries. But making friends as an adult isn't easy for everyone. Adjusting to a new life, in a new place, you don't see your family for years, nothing seems familiar - that feeling is crippling for many people. So it's natural that they cling to the parts that seem familiar, to people that can speak the same language. Do you think they can't see the silent judgment about their lifestyle, food, habits, parenting, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to say that I found it difficult as well. Many don't know English well and aren't willing to learn and I'm not keen on learning their language. One would think that immigrants would want to communicate with their "new" society, but in my experience, they tend to isolate themselves by only communicating with people from their culture. When I was in other countries, I made every effort to communicate in the dominant language, even if I wasn't great at it. I made an effort. Op, if you really want to reach out to them on their terms, send your neighbors a note in their native language. See if that breaks the ice.

+1 no need to learn english. also no desire to learn english. Or baseball, or the anthem, or apple pie.

Anthem - yes, but otherwise it’s soccer and strudel for me. I like what I like.

Genau! Ich auch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in an area where the vast majority of families are immigrants, which is one of the reasons I love my neighborhood. However, I’m having really hard time making friends with the families. My kids are very friendly with their kids at school but whenever I try to set up play dates, they don’t respond to me, and I understand many are not fluent in English, but they have ignored birthday party invitations too. I’m at a loss on how to get the kids together. My elementary age DD is sad that she can’t talk to some of her friends. It’s a little easier with my 10 yo because he can set up his own virtual playdates in the form of gaming without parent involvement, but I have yet to hear from his best friends parents from over two years. It feels like they want to stick to their “own kind” which defeats the whole purpose of living in a diverse area. Of course not all are like this but it seems like the vast majority of my children’s friends are like this. Any ideas on how to encourage them to be friendlier? With quarantining, I don’t even see them anymore at school events so I really don’t know how to get the parents to respond.

Defeats the purpose for you. DOnt pretend that what you want is what they want. Or maybe they just arent in to you. If you have reached out and they havent responded, take a hint.