Marrying someone with a crazy ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My long term boyfriend has a batsh*t crazy, drug addicted ex-wife and it’s one of the reasons that he’ll always be my boyfriend and I won’t marry him. Apparently she was a nice, decent human being before she started using but she’s been using for years so he was attracted to a completely different person than who she is now.

When I met him she was sober(ish) so she’d take the kids periodically. Then when she’d slip back into addiction she could go months without any interaction with them. My boyfriend has defaulted to being a full time dad- now that his ex is sort of sober again the oldest refuses to ever stay at her place and has maybe had two overnights in the past year. Makes it challenging to maintain an adult relationship outside of his responsibilities as a parent.

I stay in my lane. I know they aren’t my kids so I have good relationships with them as another supportive adult but not a parenting relationship. Although I do lose it on my boyfriend when he continues to allow the ex the ability to try and adult- every so often she’ll want to take the kids to a doctors appointment or sporting event. it always ends up badly for the kids (she either gets them there late or not at all) and it’s hard to witness. But he keeps allowing it because he wants to give her the opportunity to be a mom. But she’s clearly not able to be a productive member of society and those poor kids. Bottom line is that it takes a lot of patience and you have to accept it for what it is. Or not be in the situation to begin with.

I’m curious, does your boyfriend not mind that you don’t want to marry? Have you been upfront with him about why?

He knows. Neither of us want to get remarried. His kids are still at home and we don’t want to uproot them and I don’t want to change my own situation. We live geographically close, see each other every day and he is in every way my partner. There’s just no reason to get married. Honestly it’s the perfect situation for now. Who knows, maybe when everyone is grown and gone we’ll take the next step. But for now it works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who has custody, OP?

At my age, most of the men I date have kids, and the ones who claim their exes are "crazy" but who have less than 50% custody are the ones that get the biggest side-eye from me.

So, your wife is a mean, controlling, narcissistic. lunatic but you left your three kids with her forever?

Pass.

Its very hard to get 50/50 if the Mom doesn't agree or a big court battle. You need to talk to friends and others and find out the real story. My husband's ex's AP's ex (got that) called one day to talk to my husband to ask for money and I happened to answer and she verified everything and was calling desperate as her kid needed something and the AP ex wouldn't pay child support. I paid as multiple people told me the same thing. Sometimes its true.

Not true. It’s very hard for mom to get sole legal or sole physical (or both). It’s usually the custody evaluator that figures out dad is an abusive ass and doesn’t recommend dad have custody. I’m sure my ex tells all his new girlfriends that I’m a horrible person (he tells our child that!) but he’s the one making the custody evaluator said was too selfish to effectively parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have both sides of the story?

+1
Is your SO couching the ex as crazy? Take it with a grain of salt. A big one. Often the person who does that is actually the one who is not quite right.

Yep. My cousin did that. Now divorced and good friends with the "crazy ex"

[Anonymous]

Are you the one who determined this, or was it relayed to you by your partner? I'd run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My long term boyfriend has a batsh*t crazy, drug addicted ex-wife and it’s one of the reasons that he’ll always be my boyfriend and I won’t marry him. Apparently she was a nice, decent human being before she started using but she’s been using for years so he was attracted to a completely different person than who she is now.

When I met him she was sober(ish) so she’d take the kids periodically. Then when she’d slip back into addiction she could go months without any interaction with them. My boyfriend has defaulted to being a full time dad- now that his ex is sort of sober again the oldest refuses to ever stay at her place and has maybe had two overnights in the past year. Makes it challenging to maintain an adult relationship outside of his responsibilities as a parent.

I stay in my lane. I know they aren’t my kids so I have good relationships with them as another supportive adult but not a parenting relationship. Although I do lose it on my boyfriend when he continues to allow the ex the ability to try and adult- every so often she’ll want to take the kids to a doctors appointment or sporting event. it always ends up badly for the kids (she either gets them there late or not at all) and it’s hard to witness. But he keeps allowing it because he wants to give her the opportunity to be a mom. But she’s clearly not able to be a productive member of society and those poor kids. Bottom line is that it takes a lot of patience and you have to accept it for what it is. Or not be in the situation to begin with.

Wow. You are clearly lacking a compassion gene, PP. Addiction is rough, but your BF sounds like he is handling things the right way, including by not marrying you. Kids usually benefit by having a relationship with a bio parent, even one who is addicted. I say that as the divorced wife of a mentally ill man with a drinking and prescription substance abuse problem. It’s sad for the kids sometimes, but they love him and they benefit from spending time in a safe environment with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone married to someone with a crazy ex-spouse who your partner has kids with? How do you cope navigate this situation? Any advice?

What type of crazy?

Mentally ill?

Or disruptive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who has custody, OP?

At my age, most of the men I date have kids, and the ones who claim their exes are "crazy" but who have less than 50% custody are the ones that get the biggest side-eye from me.

So, your wife is a mean, controlling, narcissistic. lunatic but you left your three kids with her forever?

Pass.

Its very hard to get 50/50 if the Mom doesn't agree or a big court battle. You need to talk to friends and others and find out the real story. My husband's ex's AP's ex (got that) called one day to talk to my husband to ask for money and I happened to answer and she verified everything and was calling desperate as her kid needed something and the AP ex wouldn't pay child support. I paid as multiple people told me the same thing. Sometimes its true.

Not true. It’s very hard for mom to get sole legal or sole physical (or both). It’s usually the custody evaluator that figures out dad is an abusive ass and doesn’t recommend dad have custody. I’m sure my ex tells all his new girlfriends that I’m a horrible person (he tells our child that!) but he’s the one making the custody evaluator said was too selfish to effectively parent.

+1 from another crazy ex with full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who has custody, OP?

At my age, most of the men I date have kids, and the ones who claim their exes are "crazy" but who have less than 50% custody are the ones that get the biggest side-eye from me.

So, your wife is a mean, controlling, narcissistic. lunatic but you left your three kids with her forever?

Pass.

Its very hard to get 50/50 if the Mom doesn't agree or a big court battle. You need to talk to friends and others and find out the real story. My husband's ex's AP's ex (got that) called one day to talk to my husband to ask for money and I happened to answer and she verified everything and was calling desperate as her kid needed something and the AP ex wouldn't pay child support. I paid as multiple people told me the same thing. Sometimes its true.

Not true. It’s very hard for mom to get sole legal or sole physical (or both). It’s usually the custody evaluator that figures out dad is an abusive ass and doesn’t recommend dad have custody. I’m sure my ex tells all his new girlfriends that I’m a horrible person (he tells our child that!) but he’s the one making the custody evaluator said was too selfish to effectively parent.

The truth is probably somewhere in between. It is still very hard depending on the state and judge. There is still a huge bias for mom's to get custody and child support is based off custody.

[Anonymous]

That would be my husband, but I think he had it pretty easy. My ex is a coward and only lunged at me, wouldn’t dare it with a guy who is bigger than him. Now that the kids are in college he is pretty much out of our lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced mom, and unfortunately I know of lots of crazy exes. Mental illness, mostly personality disorders, are all over the place these days, and they are a huge driver of divorce.

Oh, and I have a crazy ex. I have primary custody and sole legal custody of our three kids. I do not talk about my ex in public though. Many of us are more concerned with our kids than with badmouthing our exes, even if they deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it. Crazy ex will always be a part of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My long term boyfriend has a batsh*t crazy, drug addicted ex-wife and it’s one of the reasons that he’ll always be my boyfriend and I won’t marry him. Apparently she was a nice, decent human being before she started using but she’s been using for years so he was attracted to a completely different person than who she is now.

When I met him she was sober(ish) so she’d take the kids periodically. Then when she’d slip back into addiction she could go months without any interaction with them. My boyfriend has defaulted to being a full time dad- now that his ex is sort of sober again the oldest refuses to ever stay at her place and has maybe had two overnights in the past year. Makes it challenging to maintain an adult relationship outside of his responsibilities as a parent.

I stay in my lane. I know they aren’t my kids so I have good relationships with them as another supportive adult but not a parenting relationship. Although I do lose it on my boyfriend when he continues to allow the ex the ability to try and adult- every so often she’ll want to take the kids to a doctors appointment or sporting event. it always ends up badly for the kids (she either gets them there late or not at all) and it’s hard to witness. But he keeps allowing it because he wants to give her the opportunity to be a mom. But she’s clearly not able to be a productive member of society and those poor kids. Bottom line is that it takes a lot of patience and you have to accept it for what it is. Or not be in the situation to begin with.

Wow. You are clearly lacking a compassion gene, PP. Addiction is rough, but your BF sounds like he is handling things the right way, including by not marrying you. Kids usually benefit by having a relationship with a bio parent, even one who is addicted. I say that as the divorced wife of a mentally ill man with a drinking and prescription substance abuse problem. It’s sad for the kids sometimes, but they love him and they benefit from spending time in a safe environment with him.

I’m not sure how beneficial it would be for a kid to continually to be let down by their mentally ill, addicted parent. As much as the kids probably love their dad it has to impact them how dysfunctional he is. You shouldn’t force a close relationship between a child and a parent who isn’t capable of being a parent. That’s cruel.

[Anonymous]

The two men I know with "crazy exs" have full custody of their kids. One even gained full custody of his 14 year old non-biological daughter after her mom terminated parental rights and gave her to the state. He went back to court to become her foster parent and legal guardian so that she could live with him and her sister (his daughter). Mom tried to stop it, but by then the parental rights termination was final.

One guy my sister was dating (he had been long since divorced), had 50% custody of his son. But really had him about 80% of the time. His ex wife started sitting outside of my sisters house at all hours of the day and night. She never even met the son. My sister had to call the cops to get her to leave. She stopped dating him, so while the ex thinks she "won", my sister wasn't about to let all of that drama into her life. It's not worth it. She said he's a nice guy, but that's his baggage, not hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced mom, and unfortunately I know of lots of crazy exes. Mental illness, mostly personality disorders, are all over the place these days, and they are a huge driver of divorce.

Oh, and I have a crazy ex. I have primary custody and sole legal custody of our three kids. I do not talk about my ex in public though. Many of us are more concerned with our kids than with badmouthing our exes, even if they deserve it.

Yes! Why is this true?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My long term boyfriend has a batsh*t crazy, drug addicted ex-wife and it’s one of the reasons that he’ll always be my boyfriend and I won’t marry him. Apparently she was a nice, decent human being before she started using but she’s been using for years so he was attracted to a completely different person than who she is now.

When I met him she was sober(ish) so she’d take the kids periodically. Then when she’d slip back into addiction she could go months without any interaction with them. My boyfriend has defaulted to being a full time dad- now that his ex is sort of sober again the oldest refuses to ever stay at her place and has maybe had two overnights in the past year. Makes it challenging to maintain an adult relationship outside of his responsibilities as a parent.

I stay in my lane. I know they aren’t my kids so I have good relationships with them as another supportive adult but not a parenting relationship. Although I do lose it on my boyfriend when he continues to allow the ex the ability to try and adult- every so often she’ll want to take the kids to a doctors appointment or sporting event. it always ends up badly for the kids (she either gets them there late or not at all) and it’s hard to witness. But he keeps allowing it because he wants to give her the opportunity to be a mom. But she’s clearly not able to be a productive member of society and those poor kids. Bottom line is that it takes a lot of patience and you have to accept it for what it is. Or not be in the situation to begin with.

Wow. You are clearly lacking a compassion gene, PP. Addiction is rough, but your BF sounds like he is handling things the right way, including by not marrying you. Kids usually benefit by having a relationship with a bio parent, even one who is addicted. I say that as the divorced wife of a mentally ill man with a drinking and prescription substance abuse problem. It’s sad for the kids sometimes, but they love him and they benefit from spending time in a safe environment with him.

I think the opposite, she's been very patient.

I wouldn't waste that much time on a boyfriend, move on and find a life partner. She wasting her life on this guy imo.