Marrying someone with a crazy ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My long term boyfriend has a batsh*t crazy, drug addicted ex-wife and it’s one of the reasons that he’ll always be my boyfriend and I won’t marry him. Apparently she was a nice, decent human being before she started using but she’s been using for years so he was attracted to a completely different person than who she is now.

When I met him she was sober(ish) so she’d take the kids periodically. Then when she’d slip back into addiction she could go months without any interaction with them. My boyfriend has defaulted to being a full time dad- now that his ex is sort of sober again the oldest refuses to ever stay at her place and has maybe had two overnights in the past year. Makes it challenging to maintain an adult relationship outside of his responsibilities as a parent.

I stay in my lane. I know they aren’t my kids so I have good relationships with them as another supportive adult but not a parenting relationship. Although I do lose it on my boyfriend when he continues to allow the ex the ability to try and adult- every so often she’ll want to take the kids to a doctors appointment or sporting event. it always ends up badly for the kids (she either gets them there late or not at all) and it’s hard to witness. But he keeps allowing it because he wants to give her the opportunity to be a mom. But she’s clearly not able to be a productive member of society and those poor kids. Bottom line is that it takes a lot of patience and you have to accept it for what it is. Or not be in the situation to begin with.

Wow. You are clearly lacking a compassion gene, PP. Addiction is rough, but your BF sounds like he is handling things the right way, including by not marrying you. Kids usually benefit by having a relationship with a bio parent, even one who is addicted. I say that as the divorced wife of a mentally ill man with a drinking and prescription substance abuse problem. It’s sad for the kids sometimes, but they love him and they benefit from spending time in a safe environment with him.

I think the opposite, she's been very patient.

I wouldn't waste that much time on a boyfriend, move on and find a life partner. She wasting her life on this guy imo.

I don’t understand why the PP would date him forever and not marry him. She doesn’t want to be called a stepmom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have both sides of the story?

+1
Is your SO couching the ex as crazy? Take it with a grain of salt. A big one. Often the person who does that is actually the one who is not quite right.

X10000

Any time a man tells me his ex is crazy in the back of my mind I say to myself, “hmmm...what did you to her?”

[Anonymous]

I have lost girlfriends because of my crazy ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have lost girlfriends because of my crazy ex.

Real question- have you lost girlfriends because of your crazy ex or because of your lack of boundaries with your crazy ex? I think most people wouldn’t necessarily fault the person for their crazy ex because people can change. It’s how you deal with the crazy ex that’s the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced mom, and unfortunately I know of lots of crazy exes. Mental illness, mostly personality disorders, are all over the place these days, and they are a huge driver of divorce.

Oh, and I have a crazy ex. I have primary custody and sole legal custody of our three kids. I do not talk about my ex in public though. Many of us are more concerned with our kids than with badmouthing our exes, even if they deserve it.

Yes! Why is this true?!?

I think that in the past these people would have no chance, not even attend regular schools or hold jobs. But with the treatments/therapy currently available they get improvements to the point that they are well enough to be integrated into the society, but not well enough to withstand the trials and stresses of being married with kids. Their unlucky partners are left to deal with the aftermath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have lost girlfriends because of my crazy ex.

Real question- have you lost girlfriends because of your crazy ex or because of your lack of boundaries with your crazy ex? I think most people wouldn’t necessarily fault the person for their crazy ex because people can change. It’s how you deal with the crazy ex that’s the problem.

I disagree. You can't control another person's behavior and there are exes who will attack whomever their ex is with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My long term boyfriend has a batsh*t crazy, drug addicted ex-wife and it’s one of the reasons that he’ll always be my boyfriend and I won’t marry him. Apparently she was a nice, decent human being before she started using but she’s been using for years so he was attracted to a completely different person than who she is now.

When I met him she was sober(ish) so she’d take the kids periodically. Then when she’d slip back into addiction she could go months without any interaction with them. My boyfriend has defaulted to being a full time dad- now that his ex is sort of sober again the oldest refuses to ever stay at her place and has maybe had two overnights in the past year. Makes it challenging to maintain an adult relationship outside of his responsibilities as a parent.

I stay in my lane. I know they aren’t my kids so I have good relationships with them as another supportive adult but not a parenting relationship. Although I do lose it on my boyfriend when he continues to allow the ex the ability to try and adult- every so often she’ll want to take the kids to a doctors appointment or sporting event. it always ends up badly for the kids (she either gets them there late or not at all) and it’s hard to witness. But he keeps allowing it because he wants to give her the opportunity to be a mom. But she’s clearly not able to be a productive member of society and those poor kids. Bottom line is that it takes a lot of patience and you have to accept it for what it is. Or not be in the situation to begin with.

Wow. You are clearly lacking a compassion gene, PP. Addiction is rough, but your BF sounds like he is handling things the right way, including by not marrying you. Kids usually benefit by having a relationship with a bio parent, even one who is addicted. I say that as the divorced wife of a mentally ill man with a drinking and prescription substance abuse problem. It’s sad for the kids sometimes, but they love him and they benefit from spending time in a safe environment with him.

NP. Lacking compassion?

She sounds level headed and sane. Her boyfriend and his kids are lucky to have her. It’s obvious she cares about his kids, or she wouldn’t care if the kids had a bad experience with their mom when they visit. And I say this as someone whose mother is a full-blown opioid addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who has custody, OP?

At my age, most of the men I date have kids, and the ones who claim their exes are "crazy" but who have less than 50% custody are the ones that get the biggest side-eye from me.

So, your wife is a mean, controlling, narcissistic. lunatic but you left your three kids with her forever?

Pass.

Yep. My ex calls me crazy. Vocally and often.

However/ I have 70% custody for a reason, he’s on his third job this year and I’m the #1 sales person in my company, my kids don’t want to go to his house and he frequently does things like file inane contempt charges or call the police to my home for no reason.

I’d run, but that’s me. I don’t need any more drama ever after being married to an alcoholic narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have lost girlfriends because of my crazy ex.

Real question- have you lost girlfriends because of your crazy ex or because of your lack of boundaries with your crazy ex? I think most people wouldn’t necessarily fault the person for their crazy ex because people can change. It’s how you deal with the crazy ex that’s the problem.

My ex doesn't recognize boundaries, and when the police show up she doesn't recognize their authority.

I think what really scared some of them off was her prodigious drug habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone married to someone with a crazy ex-spouse who your partner has kids with? How do you cope navigate this situation? Any advice?

Sure you are.

Any more deflecting and blaming others for ones own shortcomings??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced mom, and unfortunately I know of lots of crazy exes. Mental illness, mostly personality disorders, are all over the place these days, and they are a huge driver of divorce.

Oh, and I have a crazy ex. I have primary custody and sole legal custody of our three kids. I do not talk about my ex in public though. Many of us are more concerned with our kids than with badmouthing our exes, even if they deserve it.

Yes! Why is this true?!?

I think that in the past these people would have no chance, not even attend regular schools or hold jobs. But with the treatments/therapy currently available they get improvements to the point that they are well enough to be integrated into the society, but not well enough to withstand the trials and stresses of being married with kids. Their unlucky partners are left to deal with the aftermath.

This is true. There are a lot of papers on this nowadays. Life is safer and duller than ever thus “quirky” people can get by with their screens and homebody lifestyles with relative ease. And if they watch enough tv and movies and copy the behaviors when out, they can fool people for awhile. Not for a repeat game of day in/out (ie live in situation) but certainly for a weekend or series of dates. Pay attention to when they start repeating themselves, then the gig is up.

Whereas before life required more human interaction, more sticking up for yourself, more general risks like driving / going to class / mandatory sports / clear gender roles. Now you can skip Hs gym for yoga, use uber, work on a computer 24/7 and outsource more skills than ever (groceries, cooking, cleaning, buying presents, etc.)

And way before that if you were that out of it you’d die early from a “tragic” accident. You’d forget to plant your crops and starve, or pack the rifle for the wagon trip, or bumble into the bear den, or get eaten by the saber tooth tiger. Thus your mental illness/disabilities gene pool would end. Darwin would win. Darwin can’t get you if you stay in your parents basement so long playing on a computer.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the mental illness, OP, and how much impact they have on your relationship. "Crazy" is pretty pejorative. My husband has a mental illness. If I ever divorce him, I wouldn't want a potential new spouse to be put off by his disorder, just because he has a disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it. You'll be the next "crazy ex".

This is correct. .

Ultimately, I'd avoid. Like attracts like. Unless they were dating very young and the other person ended up with a diagnosed mental illness later or drugs are involved then it is usually just someone trying to blame everything on someone else rather than taking accountability for their part in the relationship and reflecting and growing from that.

I'd rather have someone be very open and honest about why they broke up. You can tell a lot about someone by how they discuss their exes. Also, pay attention to the custody arrangement.