Marrying someone with a crazy ex

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on how the person handles the ex. Do they have firm boundaries? Does it disrupt their day to day? Crazy ex is like crazy family/parents. They need to show that they have a firm boundary and can enforce it without difficulty or stress or disruption. Otherwise you are signing up for crazy.

Crazy ex should be handled same was as a crazy parent, controlling parent, etc. Boundaries demonstrated and respected or it is all a no go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - how long have you been dating this person? Have you directly witnessed the ex-spouse's behavior? Seen the interactions between your So and the ex-spouse? Does your SO take responsibility for their part in their relationship (like ... I was attracted to this person because [e.g., they are dynamic, fun, etc.] but didn't realize that this also meant [they have addiction issues, etc.] or is SO just dismissive like "Oh, s/he is super crazy!"

Delve into what the "crazy" actually is and why your SO was with this person in the first place.

Excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have believed until married a woman with a “crazy ex” now we are divorced and I learned she’s crazy. Now I don’t go around telling people I have a crazy ex. I try to be empathetic because we have children.

But I missed all kinds of signs with her prior focus on her so-called crazy ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My long term boyfriend has a batsh*t crazy, drug addicted ex-wife and it’s one of the reasons that he’ll always be my boyfriend and I won’t marry him. Apparently she was a nice, decent human being before she started using but she’s been using for years so he was attracted to a completely different person than who she is now.

When I met him she was sober(ish) so she’d take the kids periodically. Then when she’d slip back into addiction she could go months without any interaction with them. My boyfriend has defaulted to being a full time dad- now that his ex is sort of sober again the oldest refuses to ever stay at her place and has maybe had two overnights in the past year. Makes it challenging to maintain an adult relationship outside of his responsibilities as a parent.

I stay in my lane. I know they aren’t my kids so I have good relationships with them as another supportive adult but not a parenting relationship. Although I do lose it on my boyfriend when he continues to allow the ex the ability to try and adult- every so often she’ll want to take the kids to a doctors appointment or sporting event. it always ends up badly for the kids (she either gets them there late or not at all) and it’s hard to witness. But he keeps allowing it because he wants to give her the opportunity to be a mom. But she’s clearly not able to be a productive member of society and those poor kids. Bottom line is that it takes a lot of patience and you have to accept it for what it is. Or not be in the situation to begin with.

I’m curious, does your boyfriend not mind that you don’t want to marry? Have you been upfront with him about why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t have believed until married a woman with a “crazy ex” now we are divorced and I learned she’s crazy. Now I don’t go around telling people I have a crazy ex. I try to be empathetic because we have children.

But I missed all kinds of signs with her prior focus on her so-called crazy ex.

A really strong indicator of emotional health and maturity is how your new partner describes their past relationships. I have only had one crazy (well two if you include high school) ex. Both times I knew they were just going through a phase because they lost something good. I didn’t cover for them, I did try to protect myself as best I could with a small number of people informed if they did insane things. My ex once showed up in another state where we were meeting the family of a LTR.

Someone wrapped up in the drama of the past and still disturbed by it probably hasn’t resolved it. Their nonsense is theirs, it should be dirt off your shoulders otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Yes, great man. Eventually the youngest turned 18 and she refused a lot of contact with the kids so thankfully its over now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is don’t do it.

This. You’re borrowing for trouble. And rarely are exes just randomly crazy. Your love played a part in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is don’t do it.

This. You’re borrowing for trouble. And rarely are exes just randomly crazy. Your love played a part in it.

DP. There is a lot of truth to this. You need to know why your ex was comfortable with crazy, and if that characteristic is still present and just being hidden from you. For example, did this person feed into the crazy with co-dependency traits, instability or history of inappropriate behavior? Narcissism? Narcissism is a class and world all of its own deserving a singular discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is don’t do it.

This. You’re borrowing for trouble. And rarely are exes just randomly crazy. Your love played a part in it.

+1 A close friend of mine married someone with a crazy ex. They had a child together too. Crazy ex is now a regular part of her life too due to ongoing custody issues requiring infrequent but regular court appearances, and sharing custody. My friend and her now husband seem to get along well, but the crazy ex is still supposedly “crazy” so her antics remain a regular part of their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is don’t do it.

This. You’re borrowing for trouble. And rarely are exes just randomly crazy. Your love played a part in it.

+1 A close friend of mine married someone with a crazy ex. They had a child together too. Crazy ex is now a regular part of her life too due to ongoing custody issues requiring infrequent but regular court appearances, and sharing custody. My friend and her now husband seem to get along well, but the crazy ex is still supposedly “crazy” so her antics remain a regular part of their life.

To clarify, the crazy ex and husband already had a child together.

[Anonymous]

I did. 25 years ago. DH won physical custody of the kids so that helped a ton. After a rough couple of years, she eventually kinda faded out of the picture for the most part. Now that the kids are grown, there are no issues. They visit her for a few days at Christmas, but that’s about it. I will say, she doesn’t seem nearly as crazy now as she was 20 years ago. She has settled down a lot. I’m grateful that the kids are able to have a relationship with her now.

[Anonymous]

Who has custody, OP?

At my age, most of the men I date have kids, and the ones who claim their exes are "crazy" but who have less than 50% custody are the ones that get the biggest side-eye from me.

So, your wife is a mean, controlling, narcissistic. lunatic but you left your three kids with her forever?

Pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who has custody, OP?

At my age, most of the men I date have kids, and the ones who claim their exes are "crazy" but who have less than 50% custody are the ones that get the biggest side-eye from me.

So, your wife is a mean, controlling, narcissistic. lunatic but you left your three kids with her forever?

Pass.

Its very hard to get 50/50 if the Mom doesn't agree or a big court battle. You need to talk to friends and others and find out the real story. My husband's ex's AP's ex (got that) called one day to talk to my husband to ask for money and I happened to answer and she verified everything and was calling desperate as her kid needed something and the AP ex wouldn't pay child support. I paid as multiple people told me the same thing. Sometimes its true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who has custody, OP?

At my age, most of the men I date have kids, and the ones who claim their exes are "crazy" but who have less than 50% custody are the ones that get the biggest side-eye from me.

So, your wife is a mean, controlling, narcissistic. lunatic but you left your three kids with her forever?

Pass.

Its very hard to get 50/50 if the Mom doesn't agree or a big court battle. You need to talk to friends and others and find out the real story. My husband's ex's AP's ex (got that) called one day to talk to my husband to ask for money and I happened to answer and she verified everything and was calling desperate as her kid needed something and the AP ex wouldn't pay child support. I paid as multiple people told me the same thing. Sometimes its true.

In my experience, 50/50 is the default and someone with less than that chose to have less. But the point is that these dudes claim their ex-wives are everything short of abusive monsters. That's actually a good time to have a "big court battle," if true. If it's not true, then they are just refusing to take responsibility for their own part in a toxic dynamic. Either way it's not a good sign.

[Anonymous]

I would never put myself in the predicament. I dealt w/enough drama with my own ex, I'll be damned if I deal w/someone else's crazy ex.

Nope. Life's too short to deal w/unnecessary crazy. None of that situation is your problem, unless you make it your problem.