Marrying someone with a crazy ex

[Anonymous]

Anyone married to someone with a crazy ex-spouse who your partner has kids with? How do you cope navigate this situation? Any advice?

[Anonymous]

My advice is don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Yes. He engages with her as little as possible and hangs up/leaves when she starts to lose her sh*t. Luckily she and I get along ok-I work with mentally ill people and have learned how not to personalize certain things.

[Anonymous]

Do you have both sides of the story?

[Anonymous]

Have you met the ex?

Have you asked your partner what attracted them to their ex in the first place? Have you asked what led them to have kids together?

Finally, have you asked your partner what kind of work they have done to avoid "crazy" partners in the future?

[Anonymous]

Depends. If they are taking each other to court regularly that is a huge money drain. I’d pass.

What is she doing that makes her crazy? How old are the kids? What is custody arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is don’t do it.

+1. At least half that crazy is his, only you don't get her side of the story.

[Anonymous]

OP - how long have you been dating this person? Have you directly witnessed the ex-spouse's behavior? Seen the interactions between your So and the ex-spouse? Does your SO take responsibility for their part in their relationship (like ... I was attracted to this person because [e.g., they are dynamic, fun, etc.] but didn't realize that this also meant [they have addiction issues, etc.] or is SO just dismissive like "Oh, s/he is super crazy!"

Delve into what the "crazy" actually is and why your SO was with this person in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have both sides of the story?

+1
Is your SO couching the ex as crazy? Take it with a grain of salt. A big one. Often the person who does that is actually the one who is not quite right.

[Anonymous]

Who has custody? If its the other parent, there's probably a reason for that. If its 50/50 or your partner has custody, pay attention to how they handle the crazy and evaluate from there.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. You'll be the next "crazy ex".

[Anonymous]

My best friend did. Heard all sorts of crazy stories about the ex. Now she's realizing that both parties have major issues.

[Anonymous]

Run far far away

[Anonymous]

My long term boyfriend has a batsh*t crazy, drug addicted ex-wife and it’s one of the reasons that he’ll always be my boyfriend and I won’t marry him. Apparently she was a nice, decent human being before she started using but she’s been using for years so he was attracted to a completely different person than who she is now.

When I met him she was sober(ish) so she’d take the kids periodically. Then when she’d slip back into addiction she could go months without any interaction with them. My boyfriend has defaulted to being a full time dad- now that his ex is sort of sober again the oldest refuses to ever stay at her place and has maybe had two overnights in the past year. Makes it challenging to maintain an adult relationship outside of his responsibilities as a parent.

I stay in my lane. I know they aren’t my kids so I have good relationships with them as another supportive adult but not a parenting relationship. Although I do lose it on my boyfriend when he continues to allow the ex the ability to try and adult- every so often she’ll want to take the kids to a doctors appointment or sporting event. it always ends up badly for the kids (she either gets them there late or not at all) and it’s hard to witness. But he keeps allowing it because he wants to give her the opportunity to be a mom. But she’s clearly not able to be a productive member of society and those poor kids. Bottom line is that it takes a lot of patience and you have to accept it for what it is. Or not be in the situation to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend did. Heard all sorts of crazy stories about the ex. Now she's realizing that both parties have major issues.

That's usually the case.