Are parents of onlies doomed to be "first time parents" forever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what type of things people say to you, but there are certain aspects of parenthood that you don’t experience unless you have multiple. You know as well as I do about raising 1 kid, but you probably don’t know much about what comes with having 3 kids. You are an experienced mom of an only

And there are certain experiences that a parent of multiple children will never have that only parents do.

+1. As a mother of three children, I definitely see this with my sister and best friend with only children.

First PP. yes, definitely. I have no idea about what it takes to have only child... I can imagine, but I had an only for only 2 years so I am not sure how easy/hard taking care of only 1 really is. Same applies to o lies’ moms for what it pertains to juggling multiple children, personalities, relationships, jealousies, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love being the parent of an only child, but one thing that has started to grate is that people are very dismissive towards me because I only have one child. So I'm always a "first time mom" because my first time is also my last time. It's frustrating because it doesn't match up with my experience, which is that I feel very comfortable in my role as a parent and confident in many (obviously not all) of my choices. Does this go on forever? Do I just have to get used to my sister and my mom and many of my friends with multiple kids acting condescending towards me just because they have 2 or more kids, or their kids are a year or two older than mine? It's exhausting. I am tired of the unsolicited advice, the "you'll see" comments, and the general dismissiveness when I say anything about parenting because, after all, I "only have one".

Generally only FTM of young children describe themselves like this, and parents with more kids and older kids would not. It’s a generalization, so maybe not true for all.

But... those seem like good things. I would hope any parent would ultimately describe themselves as comfortable in their role as a parent and confident in their choices. Not sure why a parent of one child would be more likely to say this, and if that’s true, then maybe parents of onlies are onto something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this usually happens when a parent of an only thinks little larlo is a great veggie eater (or sharer or sleeper) because of their genius parenting, whereas moms of more than one are more acutely aware of the extent to which things like that are due to temperament, etc.

Ok but I think this is only true if Larlo’s mom is going around telling all the other moms how to get their kids to eat vegetables. If she just says “Larlo loves veggies, it’s great” that might be an annoying brag (especially if, like me, it’s hard to get your kid to eat veggies), but I don’t think it merits the kind of “just you wait— you’ll see” attitude you often get from moms of multiples or moms with slightly older kids.

But I think “just you wait— you’ll see” is always a silly statement. It always comes off as a weird threat, like you can’t let the younger or less experienced mom just enjoy the current stage, you have to warn her that something harder/worse/more complicated is coming.

But it’s also often not true. I know it’s hard to accept, but not every tough think you go through with your kids is universal. Many times in my life as a parent, another parents has told me something specific was coming and it... didn’t. Instead we had other challenges. That’s how it goes. Everyone takes their own path, no one has it all figured out. So enough with the “you’ll see”. Yes, she will, soon enough. You don’t have to be rude about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this usually happens when a parent of an only thinks little larlo is a great veggie eater (or sharer or sleeper) because of their genius parenting, whereas moms of more than one are more acutely aware of the extent to which things like that are due to temperament, etc.

Ok but I think this is only true if Larlo’s mom is going around telling all the other moms how to get their kids to eat vegetables. If she just says “Larlo loves veggies, it’s great” that might be an annoying brag (especially if, like me, it’s hard to get your kid to eat veggies), but I don’t think it merits the kind of “just you wait— you’ll see” attitude you often get from moms of multiples or moms with slightly older kids.

But I think “just you wait— you’ll see” is always a silly statement. It always comes off as a weird threat, like you can’t let the younger or less experienced mom just enjoy the current stage, you have to warn her that something harder/worse/more complicated is coming.

But it’s also often not true. I know it’s hard to accept, but not every tough think you go through with your kids is universal. Many times in my life as a parent, another parents has told me something specific was coming and it... didn’t. Instead we had other challenges. That’s how it goes. Everyone takes their own path, no one has it all figured out. So enough with the “you’ll see”. Yes, she will, soon enough. You don’t have to be rude about it.

I agree that “just wait!” is rude and comes across as threatening. However, if you haven’t encountered moms of only children who confidently declare larlo is so well behaved at school “because we always remind him to say please and thank you at home!” or he’s such a good sleeper “because we never rocked him to sleep!” then count yourself lucky!

[Anonymous]

OP My DCs are adults now. Twins but everything was “the first time” Things I would have done differently! People whose kids are older tend to forget what the stages are actually like. The worst for me was “thinking about missing them at college ...” and having rude parents say “oh it’s so much easier after the first one leaves ! I’m over it now!” In fact they are not over it and there is still sadness but it’s a wonderful humble brag for them. I would say find new friends & don’t listen to your relatives. They are just bragging at your expense. I hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love being the parent of an only child, but one thing that has started to grate is that people are very dismissive towards me because I only have one child. So I'm always a "first time mom" because my first time is also my last time. It's frustrating because it doesn't match up with my experience, which is that I feel very comfortable in my role as a parent and confident in many (obviously not all) of my choices. Does this go on forever? Do I just have to get used to my sister and my mom and many of my friends with multiple kids acting condescending towards me just because they have 2 or more kids, or their kids are a year or two older than mine? It's exhausting. I am tired of the unsolicited advice, the "you'll see" comments, and the general dismissiveness when I say anything about parenting because, after all, I "only have one".

Generally only FTM of young children describe themselves like this, and parents with more kids and older kids would not. It’s a generalization, so maybe not true for all.

But... those seem like good things. I would hope any parent would ultimately describe themselves as comfortable in their role as a parent and confident in their choices. Not sure why a parent of one child would be more likely to say this, and if that’s true, then maybe parents of onlies are onto something.

LOL. I guess it’s the need to say it that comes across as insufferable, maybe?

[Anonymous]

OP, imagine how you feel now that you have one child, compared to how you felt when you had no children. Do you feel different? Do you feel like you know more? Would you take the advice of someone who had no children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love being the parent of an only child, but one thing that has started to grate is that people are very dismissive towards me because I only have one child. So I'm always a "first time mom" because my first time is also my last time. It's frustrating because it doesn't match up with my experience, which is that I feel very comfortable in my role as a parent and confident in many (obviously not all) of my choices. Does this go on forever? Do I just have to get used to my sister and my mom and many of my friends with multiple kids acting condescending towards me just because they have 2 or more kids, or their kids are a year or two older than mine? It's exhausting. I am tired of the unsolicited advice, the "you'll see" comments, and the general dismissiveness when I say anything about parenting because, after all, I "only have one".

I found that these people shut up after I divorced and parented solo. And then I let them drift away, and I don't miss them. Try not to let it get to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine how you feel now that you have one child, compared to how you felt when you had no children. Do you feel different? Do you feel like you know more? Would you take the advice of someone who had no children?

NP-- this is not a good analogy. The analogous situation to a parent getting parenting advice from a non-parent would be a parent of more than one kid getting advice *about how to raise multiple kids* from a parent of an only.

I mean I don't think people should be handing out unsolicited advice regardless-- but another parent may have insight into a specific parenting issue (potty training or speech therapy or whatever) regardless of how many kids they have.

[Anonymous]

I have an only. I have never felt this with the exception that if I am complaining about how hard something is I can kind of see how the other person might be thinking “trying doing it with two”. I usually throw them a “and you have two! No idea how you do it!”

But even moms of three kindly commiserate with about the parenting journey. No one has ever made me feel less than.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only. I have never felt this with the exception that if I am complaining about how hard something is I can kind of see how the other person might be thinking “trying doing it with two”. I usually throw them a “and you have two! No idea how you do it!”

But even moms of three kindly commiserate with about the parenting journey. No one has ever made me feel less than.

(Except here, on DCUM, frankly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only. I have never felt this with the exception that if I am complaining about how hard something is I can kind of see how the other person might be thinking “trying doing it with two”. I usually throw them a “and you have two! No idea how you do it!”

But even moms of three kindly commiserate with about the parenting journey. No one has ever made me feel less than.

(Except here, on DCUM, frankly).

Truth. Although honestly there are a little comments about imagine what it’s like with more than one… Guess what I have no idea! But my kid is definitely not a cakewalk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine how you feel now that you have one child, compared to how you felt when you had no children. Do you feel different? Do you feel like you know more? Would you take the advice of someone who had no children?

NP-- this is not a good analogy. The analogous situation to a parent getting parenting advice from a non-parent would be a parent of more than one kid getting advice *about how to raise multiple kids* from a parent of an only.

I mean I don't think people should be handing out unsolicited advice regardless-- but another parent may have insight into a specific parenting issue (potty training or speech therapy or whatever) regardless of how many kids they have.

I agree it’s not exactly the same, but I have 3 completely different (and each challenging in their own way) kids. I’m not taking advice from someone with one easy kid. And frankly, in most cases, one kid is “easy” because you can arrange your house and schedule around their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine how you feel now that you have one child, compared to how you felt when you had no children. Do you feel different? Do you feel like you know more? Would you take the advice of someone who had no children?

Yes! Neither our pediatrician nor nanny (with a degree in early childhood education) has children.

But it’s beside the point of the thread. OP, like other parents of one child, are sick of the unsolicited, patronizing comments from mothers of multiples kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you need better friends and family. I have an only child and haven’t faced anything like this.

+1.

+2