Are parents of onlies doomed to be "first time parents" forever?

[Anonymous]

I love being the parent of an only child, but one thing that has started to grate is that people are very dismissive towards me because I only have one child. So I'm always a "first time mom" because my first time is also my last time. It's frustrating because it doesn't match up with my experience, which is that I feel very comfortable in my role as a parent and confident in many (obviously not all) of my choices. Does this go on forever? Do I just have to get used to my sister and my mom and many of my friends with multiple kids acting condescending towards me just because they have 2 or more kids, or their kids are a year or two older than mine? It's exhausting. I am tired of the unsolicited advice, the "you'll see" comments, and the general dismissiveness when I say anything about parenting because, after all, I "only have one".

[Anonymous]

Looks like you need better friends and family. I have an only child and haven’t faced anything like this.

[Anonymous]

How old is yours? I have an only (I am trying for a second - but the first is 12), and those comments stopped when he was 4 or 5. Maybe 6.

[Anonymous]

These sound like awful people OP. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

I have more than one kid, but it’s common for people who have more experience than I do (more kids and/or older kids) to say these types of things. So what - they do have more experience! Mine aren’t teens yet so I’m not offended when parents of teens say “just wait.” My experience won’t be exactly like theirs, but hey, if they have valuable information, I’ll take it; it might help! Try not to be bothered by this, OP, it’s natural and normal and not a knock on you or your parenting.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your DC is young. I wouldn't say your family is bad or mean (or wrong!) but this sounds like you all have young children and are all close, all involved in each other's lives. That's good. The children will all get older. Hopefully you'll all remain close.

[Anonymous]

Are you making assumptions about what all kids "should" be able to do based on what your child is doing, or drawing causal relationships between your parenting and your child's temperament? Those are things that hopefully even parents of onlies stop doing as their children get older, but having a second child will shut down that line of thinking quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you need better friends and family. I have an only child and haven’t faced anything like this.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Are you giving unsolicited advice? These types of responses usually are said to someone who thinks they have it all figured out or give out bad advice, in my experience. Your "confidence" in your choices can come across as smug to people with different experiences.

[Anonymous]

Apart from OP's specific situation with family ....

I'm facing the "first-time parent forever" thing currently -- and my son is 17 and applying to college. We've made mistakes as a family leading up to this moment that wouldn't happen with a #2, due to hindsight. (things like school choices, class choices, signing up for (P)SAT prep, etc etc).

So yes OP, you'll make decisions with your first and only that you would amend if you had a second chance / second kid. And that's OK! My only has been immeasurably helped by having all the resources and parental energy directed at him

[Anonymous]

I haven't had this experience at all, but when sharing experiences or giving advice, I usually work in some variance of acknowledging all kids aren't the same. I also don't give advice if the situation has to do with having more than one kid. If my friend is trying to figure out how to juggle a problem with her 3 kids, my advice isn't helpful.

Maybe you are acting like all the kids are the same or that your situation is the same as theirs when it's not?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think your issue is that you have an only child. I think your issue is your child is younger than the children of the people giving you unsolicited advice.

If you had a baby now, nothing would change. Your oldest kid would still be younger than the "you'll see" crowd.

I think many parents have to deal with this with their oldest child (or only child, as it's the first child)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you making assumptions about what all kids "should" be able to do based on what your child is doing, or drawing causal relationships between your parenting and your child's temperament? Those are things that hopefully even parents of onlies stop doing as their children get older, but having a second child will shut down that line of thinking quickly.

+1 most of the moms of onlies I know are quite smug about their parenting. I don’t say anything, but that is common when you have one young child. When more children get thrown in the mix and as your children age, you see more and more complexity and have more varied parenting experiences. Usually when you have an only who is a toddler or preschooler it’s simpler because the child lives in an adult world for the most part. I would not mistake the ease of having one young child with anything more than that — the situation itself.

Anyway, you ARE a FTM of a young child, and everyone remembers how that feels — it’s a particular part of the parenting journey, and for moms of older kids and multiple children, there’s a lot more beyond that. I understand it’s rude for people to say that to you, but 1) think about what you might be saying to elicit that and 2) maybe open your mind and learn a bit from others. They might just be trying to share some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love being the parent of an only child, but one thing that has started to grate is that people are very dismissive towards me because I only have one child. So I'm always a "first time mom" because my first time is also my last time. It's frustrating because it doesn't match up with my experience, which is that I feel very comfortable in my role as a parent and confident in many (obviously not all) of my choices. Does this go on forever? Do I just have to get used to my sister and my mom and many of my friends with multiple kids acting condescending towards me just because they have 2 or more kids, or their kids are a year or two older than mine? It's exhausting. I am tired of the unsolicited advice, the "you'll see" comments, and the general dismissiveness when I say anything about parenting because, after all, I "only have one".

I'm wondering about what the bolded part of your post really entails. How often are you yourself giving people advice, and how "confident" are you? Having a second child didn't make me an an expert in parenting (far from it), but it did show me how much I DON'T KNOW about children. Having two children is a clear wake up call that all kids are different. I'm MUCH less likely to give advice to people after two children than I was when I only had one child.

[Anonymous]

You’re only really a first time mom the first 3 months or maybe year. I have multiple kids but don’t feel like a ftm with everything my oldest does. Sure it’s new to me, but I’ve got it covered. Nothing like that first postpartum, breastfeeding, not sleeping newborn period.