Are parents of onlies doomed to be "first time parents" forever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love being the parent of an only child, but one thing that has started to grate is that people are very dismissive towards me because I only have one child. So I'm always a "first time mom" because my first time is also my last time. It's frustrating because it doesn't match up with my experience, which is that I feel very comfortable in my role as a parent and confident in many (obviously not all) of my choices. Does this go on forever? Do I just have to get used to my sister and my mom and many of my friends with multiple kids acting condescending towards me just because they have 2 or more kids, or their kids are a year or two older than mine? It's exhausting. I am tired of the unsolicited advice, the "you'll see" comments, and the general dismissiveness when I say anything about parenting because, after all, I "only have one".

I'm wondering about what the bolded part of your post really entails. How often are you yourself giving people advice, and how "confident" are you? Having a second child didn't make me an an expert in parenting (far from it), but it did show me how much I DON'T KNOW about children. Having two children is a clear wake up call that all kids are different. I'm MUCH less likely to give advice to people after two children than I was when I only had one child.

This is what I was thinking too. The most annoying parent in our neighborhood has an only child and she loves to tell everyone else how we should be doing things.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m the parent of an only too, and I get where you’re coming from, but I also see the other side. Parenting the kid you have is easy or difficult depending on the kid you have, and parents of multiples are more likely to have had a taste of both experiences. It’s also a lot easier to juggle roles, expectations, and flexibility when you’re only dealing with one child’s needs at a time.

And on the unsolicited advice you feel like you’re getting, have you also considered that also may be the reason you’re getting dismissed? Are you also giving unsolicited parenting advice?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't give people parenting advice, especially not to my sister (or my mom!). I never tell anyone what to do with their kids or advocate for any particular parenting style. I'm talking more about when I say stuff like "Oh yeah, transition to Kindergarten was tough for Larla -- I was surprised how much moving to a different school building impacted her" and then I get a litany of advice I didn't ask for and my sister saying things like "well you don't understand this because she's your first, but..." It's so condescending and, I feel, unmerited. It feels like I never get to just be a mom, I always have to be the "new mom" so that the other women in my family can feel like experts.

I'm glad (though also sad) to hear this might be something specific to my family. I keep thinking I need to find some friends who are also moms of onlies because I think it would help, but I don't know that many. People also seem to assume that the reason we only had one was because of infertility and while I'm sure that happens and is challenging, it isn't the case for us. Anyway, thanks for your insight PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you giving unsolicited advice? These types of responses usually are said to someone who thinks they have it all figured out or give out bad advice, in my experience. Your "confidence" in your choices can come across as smug to people with different experiences.

This.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what type of things people say to you, but there are certain aspects of parenthood that you don’t experience unless you have multiple. You know as well as I do about raising 1 kid, but you probably don’t know much about what comes with having 3 kids. You are an experienced mom of an only

[Anonymous]

Yes. We’re looking at colleges for our DD and still getting the “you’ll see” smirks. If someone actually has solid advice on any parenting process, I’ve always taken it. But, yeah, the smirks are tiresome.

[Anonymous]

PP from above

And you also have to remember that their experience and advice may well be ill-advised because you don’t have to juggle other children. Yes, we could easily stay off screens until five. Yes, we could always keep the same routine. Yes, she can always hold both of our hands. Yes, we can afford private school, extensive travel, college savings. Yes, I can nurse for as long as we both want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you need better friends and family. I have an only child and haven’t faced anything like this.

+1

I don't think this is an "everyone" problem, it sounds like your family is rude.

[Anonymous]

I tell them that I'm a single parent 24/7/365. That usually shuts them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what type of things people say to you, but there are certain aspects of parenthood that you don’t experience unless you have multiple. You know as well as I do about raising 1 kid, but you probably don’t know much about what comes with having 3 kids. You are an experienced mom of an only

And there are certain experiences that a parent of multiple children will never have that only parents do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what type of things people say to you, but there are certain aspects of parenthood that you don’t experience unless you have multiple. You know as well as I do about raising 1 kid, but you probably don’t know much about what comes with having 3 kids. You are an experienced mom of an only

And there are certain experiences that a parent of multiple children will never have that only parents do.

+1

Plus it’s cliche but all kids really are different. And families are different. Most of the advice I get from other parents, whether they have one or more kids, is pretty useless. It’s helpful to hear about resources— I’m always excited to learn about a new kid-friendly place or an activity we haven’t tried, or leads on childcare or gear. But actual parenting advice about school, food, behavior, development? People are experts in their own kids and that’s it. They are as likely to steer you wrong (by making you anxious about something that doesn’t matter) as they are to steer you right. Maybe more so.

I find it best to ignore, ignore, ignore. It can be annoying, but I just tune it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what type of things people say to you, but there are certain aspects of parenthood that you don’t experience unless you have multiple. You know as well as I do about raising 1 kid, but you probably don’t know much about what comes with having 3 kids. You are an experienced mom of an only

And there are certain experiences that a parent of multiple children will never have that only parents do.

+1. As a mother of three children, I definitely see this with my sister and best friend with only children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love being the parent of an only child, but one thing that has started to grate is that people are very dismissive towards me because I only have one child. So I'm always a "first time mom" because my first time is also my last time. It's frustrating because it doesn't match up with my experience, which is that I feel very comfortable in my role as a parent and confident in many (obviously not all) of my choices. Does this go on forever? Do I just have to get used to my sister and my mom and many of my friends with multiple kids acting condescending towards me just because they have 2 or more kids, or their kids are a year or two older than mine? It's exhausting. I am tired of the unsolicited advice, the "you'll see" comments, and the general dismissiveness when I say anything about parenting because, after all, I "only have one".

Generally only FTM of young children describe themselves like this, and parents with more kids and older kids would not. It’s a generalization, so maybe not true for all.

[Anonymous]

I think this usually happens when a parent of an only thinks little larlo is a great veggie eater (or sharer or sleeper) because of their genius parenting, whereas moms of more than one are more acutely aware of the extent to which things like that are due to temperament, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this usually happens when a parent of an only thinks little larlo is a great veggie eater (or sharer or sleeper) because of their genius parenting, whereas moms of more than one are more acutely aware of the extent to which things like that are due to temperament, etc.

+1 thank you!