Reply to How would you feel if your adult child wrote you a letter about their traumas from childhood?

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[quote=Anonymous]To get back on track, I would be reluctant to send my parents a letter like this (even though I was legitimately traumatized by both physical and emotional abuse as a child, as well deeply impacted by my parents' refusal to treat their mental health issues) because I am skeptical that my parents have the capacity to take responsibility for any of this. They clearly prefer to live in the lie that they  merely parented in the manner that was common at the time. They write the physical abuse off as corporal punishment (even though it was often committed in anger) and deny the emotional abuse altogether (my mom has often said things like "I don't remember it that way" or "I think you were just a sensitive child" when bringing up things like being berated and made fun of by my parents as a young child).

So I think the first question to ask before sending a letter like that is "What do you hope to accomplish?" In my case, it would likely hurt my mother deeply and make my father very angry. We would then have multiple very emotionally fraught confrontations about it, and the end result may or may not include an apology, but I feel confident it wouldn't satisfy me in any way because it would be accompanied by both many excuses and lots of recriminations ("you were a difficult child, you didn't listen, you forced our hand, etc."). The confrontation would just re-raise all this trauma for me.

I have obtained a lot more closure simply by going to therapy, reading about emotional trauma in childhood, connecting with other survivors, and journaling and processing my own feelings. I've reached a point where I can see the trauma and acknowledge how it still impacts me today, but my first response is love and understanding for myself, instead of hurt and sadness (or worse, guilt and self-loathing, which is what I felt for many years). I would recommend looking for answers outside of your relationship with your parents. If they abused you, they are likely limited emotionally (hurt people hurt people) and may not have the capacity for helping you resolve this. [/quote]

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