How to convince teen to stay home alone over the summer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your 15-year-old will be stuck at home with her younger siblings all summer? Are you planning to pay her to babysit? Can she leave them alone in the house? Can they go anywhere fun without a car? She's likely not upset about being "alone," she's worried about being the babysitter and being stuck at home without being able to do anything fun.

NP - This post is more to the dredge I’m thinking. I think yes, families help, but that’s more on the line of watching siblings for a few hours so mom and dad can go on date night or shopping for the day, it doesn’t mean an entire summer of free childcare.

I’d probably try to compromise this year. Maybe a day or two a week she stays with siblings, and the nanny comes another few days to help do creative things and get everyone out of the house. Have her find something to do on one of her off days, like a volunteer gig or a Pay DD *something* for those days to help her feel appreciated and that her contributions matter. She also needs time to just hang with her friends - that’s part of her “job” right now, becoming separate from you and getting social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also add that my experiences babysitting as a preteen and teenager made me very careful about avoiding unwanted pregnancy. I’ve heard the same from friends who were required to babysit siblings. It’s good birth control!

Also don’t get the whole mentality that teens shouldn’t be required to engage in unpaid labor in the family home. How extraordinary! Definitely a mindset of privileged people and probably accounts for the way so many privileged kids struggle with the many frustrations and demands of real life and gainful employment.

there is a difference between some unpaid labor and telling a teen that they're summer is now going to be spent babysitting

[Anonymous]

The OP said that all the kids are signed up for various camps, including overnight camps.

I believe in paying kids for chores as it’s good training for a job. But it’s ok to require kids to participate in household work.

[Anonymous]

Can the 15 year old do anything with the siblings? Even something like taking them to the neighborhood pool may not be doable- ours would require an adult to sign in the 10 year old. Can the 15 year old sign off on the 10 year old going out with friends, can the 15 year old supervise if the 10 year old has friends over? I guess the hope is they all become good friends and hang out around the neighborhood together?

[Anonymous]

At this age, the kids will end up watching tv all day long if left alone. They can't go anywhere without a car, and while it would be nice if they did crafts and read books.. the TRUTH IS they will watch tv and play on the computer ALL DAY LONG

That wouldn't be ok with me. Id hire the many. And everyone also needs some summer camp or fun courses, the 15 year old should get a PT job, etc. Of course, Covid restrictions will make this even harder so I think you REALLY need a nanny this summer because of Covid.

[Anonymous]

It's a good plan if you don't want grandkids! I come from an area of large families and many of the oldest girls who did a lot of childcare didn't have kids at all when they grew up.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, you 15 year old wouldn't be babysitting full time. The younger children should be largely self sufficient by then.

There is no reason that the 12 year old couldn't be responsible for the 10 year old for a day if your 15 year old wants to go out with her friends. My 12 year old will be babysitting this summer while the parents telework.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, we do not know your children. I have taught 5th grade and some of them I would never leave home alone, let alone responsible for others. While it may be ok for some families, it may not work for others and that is ok. I guess my question is, if they are signed up for various camps and activities, then who is taking them? Maybe a nanny would be useful part time. Also, trying to figure out why she truly doesn’t want to be home “alone.” I grew up with anxiety, still do, and being home, even with other kids, freaked me out. I just liked the comfort of an adult. Maybe your younger two kids fight a lot and the oldest does not want to deal with that. My oldest is 14 and he does not like to deal with drama. He likes to be left alone

[Anonymous]

At 14, 12, and 10 they should all be responsible enough to be at home alone.

[Anonymous]

This just can’t end well, too many kids! Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t ask your 15 year old to be an unpaid nanny without her resenting it. Consider getting nanny part time snd paying the 15 year old (at a much lower rate) the other days.

This
She didn’t have those other kids, you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want the responsibility of taking care of her younger siblings. Perhaps she is worried about what might happen if something goes wrong or everyone starts fighting or if they misbehave. She doesn’t want all that to fall on her.

Can you get her to articulate what’s at the heart of why she doesn’t want to do this without adult support? Can you talk with her just to listen without judgment and without trying to litigate your point? Listen hard so you can paraphrase back to her what she said. Let her know that you value her perspective. It might not sound rationalize or be what you’d say, but it’s her perspective.

This. If therr is no nanny then the 15 year old is responsible for her siblings and is not having a relaxing summer st home. Hire the nanny or pay your kid.

+1. Yep. What is the 15 year olds role here? Is she making meal and making sure her siblings eat? Cleaning up? Dealing with “I’m bored” whining with no car? Supposed to make sure they stay safe? Allowed to discipline them? And if so, how does it work when she tells one to go to their room and they say no and they call you at work yelling at each other. What if she wants to go biking with a friend or is invited on a day trip, can she go? What is her responsibility re: COVID compliance? What is her authority?

You can hire the 15 year old to be the nanny. But, you need to give her nanny power and authority and back her up. And she has to feel safe and comfortable doing it. It sounds like you want to hand her all of the hassle and responsibility of a nanny with none of the authority or pay. Putting aside issues of fairness and screwing up her relationship with her siblings over authority turf battles, you would never hire a 15 year old nanny who didn’t feel comfortable with the job. Or let your 15 year old take nanny job she felt was over her head. So, why is okay if you are the once forcing her into this situation? Hard to justify the pay is not the same as we must do this to eat.

I don’t think you’ve thought this plan through. Of course she doesn’t want to. It’s a crappy way to spend the summer, you are providing no incentive, and she is smarter than you in eealizing she may legitimately not be able to discipline and keep siblings safe during COVID.

[Anonymous]

I have four kids, OP. Our rule is that if we need an older child to watch a younger child, we can "demand" it for an hour or less once a day. That's simply being a part of a family. If we want them to watch a younger sibling for MORE than an hour, we pay them an hourly wage, BUT they have the option of saying 'No thanks." And in that case we will go hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it’s not the older ones responsibility to babysit.

Why is that?

Seriously? That is a lot of responsibility for someone 1) who doesn’t want to do it, 2) isn’t comfortable doing it and 3) clearly isn’t getting paid.

+1. Plus, there is giving kids this type of responsibility because we are all a family and in a family, sometimes we have to suck it up in order to everyone to make it through the day. If OP were in economic distress, that’s one thing. And EVERYONE needs to do what they can for the family. The older child might have oversight and authority, while the younger ones do housework, etc. and we all pull together in a tough time. I agree. COVID has been one long Year year of asking my teens to do hard things because the family needs it or society needs or their teacher won’t report to school. It stinks. But if you work as a family to solve the problem, kids can have superintendents amounts of grace.

If Op is paying for sleepaway camp, this is not that type situation. This is an if I save money on a nanny I can spend it on a vacation or nicer clothes or takeout situation. Which is forcing all of the responsibility to be shouldered by one member of the family— a kid. Not because there is no other choice, but because mom wants a better handbag.

Kids understand the difference. And if OP was saying— we can’t pay our mortgage and get childcare, how do I make this work, I would have a different answer. Which would still be about making each kid equally responsible at an age appropriate level.

OP, this piling all the expectations on one kid thing is how you create sibling who resent each other as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it’s not the older ones responsibility to babysit.

Yes, no one should ever have to do anything they don't want to do. It is not like we owe each other anything, as humans.

Of course not. As a family during COVID, we owe each other a lot. Patience. Respect. Dealing with hard situations with grace. Being courteous when others are working or learning. And yes, watching your sibling sometimes because it’s safer than an outside nanny, or you get to borrow the car to go places, but we also need you to pick your sibling up while we work. It’s shared responsibility, purpose and sacrifice. That’s what a family is.

There is no shared anything or common purpose here. A family is not OP’s kid becoming Jana Dugger.