How to convince teen to stay home alone over the summer

[Anonymous]

I have 3 girls 10, 12 and 14. My oldest will be 15 before the school year is up. We have been using the same girl(who is now college aged) for 4 years as a summer nanny and she is great but I just can’t justify paying her to sit with my teens 7 hours a day. We already enroll them in several camps and even a few sleep away camps. The problem is my oldest is adamant that she wants the nanny there, and she doesn’t like the idea of being “alone.” Do I bring the nanny back for one more year? And have her do what exactly? When we hired her she made the kids food, took them on bike rides, broke up fights, came up with games for rainy days, helped them with chores and took them all kinds of fun places. Other than driving, we just don’t need her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she doesn’t want the responsibility of taking care of her younger siblings. Perhaps she is worried about what might happen if something goes wrong or everyone starts fighting or if they misbehave. She doesn’t want all that to fall on her.

Can you get her to articulate what’s at the heart of why she doesn’t want to do this without adult support? Can you talk with her just to listen without judgment and without trying to litigate your point? Listen hard so you can paraphrase back to her what she said. Let her know that you value her perspective. It might not sound rationalize or be what you’d say, but it’s her perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want the responsibility of taking care of her younger siblings. Perhaps she is worried about what might happen if something goes wrong or everyone starts fighting or if they misbehave. She doesn’t want all that to fall on her.

Can you get her to articulate what’s at the heart of why she doesn’t want to do this without adult support? Can you talk with her just to listen without judgment and without trying to litigate your point? Listen hard so you can paraphrase back to her what she said. Let her know that you value her perspective. It might not sound rationalize or be what you’d say, but it’s her perspective.

This. If therr is no nanny then the 15 year old is responsible for her siblings and is not having a relaxing summer st home. Hire the nanny or pay your kid.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it’s not the older ones responsibility to babysit.

[Anonymous]

She is being asked to babysit her siblings all summer. Of course she wants the college babysitter around. I would, at the very least, pay her. It is one thing to be responsible for her siblings for a few hours here and there - but all day/every day all summer long if you have the means to pay for another babysitter is not something I would do.

[Anonymous]

I understand this anxiety - I had the same issue when I was younger. I was anxious about being responsible for my younger siblings and couldn't deal with the "what ifs".

Even if you think younger sibs can take care of themselves - let's be honest. Oldest DD is becoming the nanny.

Is that at the heart of her concern?

[Anonymous]

You can’t ask your 15 year old to be an unpaid nanny without her resenting it. Consider getting nanny part time snd paying the 15 year old (at a much lower rate) the other days.

[Anonymous]

OP - are you home during the day? I work from home (pre-Covid) and so haven't had a summer nanny in years. But if I were not at home, I would have a sitter for the 10 and 12 year old. We were always able to find someone who was happy with just 4-6 weeks (due to their vacation and back to school early). Maybe that would be a happy medium.

[Anonymous]

So bring the nanny back for limited hours. They will need someone to drive them around.

[Anonymous]

I would have thought a 10 and 12 year old would be pretty self sufficient. Not much “nannying” needed! And a 15 year old not feeling competent to be alone is deeply weird.

This is what happens when we infantilize children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have thought a 10 and 12 year old would be pretty self sufficient. Not much “nannying” needed! And a 15 year old not feeling competent to be alone is deeply weird.

This is what happens when we infantilize children.

Oh please.
My 14 and 11 year old have been home alone doing virtual school all year. Mostly because they are BOTH comfortable with it. If a 14 yo isn’t comfortable taking care of 2 younger siblings (OP already said the babysitter used to break up fights), that is totally valid. There is nothing “deeply weird” about it.

What I personally can’t stand is parents basically forcing their older kids to take care of their younger ones. That is NOT your kids job, unless they volunteer to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want the responsibility of taking care of her younger siblings. Perhaps she is worried about what might happen if something goes wrong or everyone starts fighting or if they misbehave. She doesn’t want all that to fall on her.

Can you get her to articulate what’s at the heart of why she doesn’t want to do this without adult support? Can you talk with her just to listen without judgment and without trying to litigate your point? Listen hard so you can paraphrase back to her what she said. Let her know that you value her perspective. It might not sound rationalize or be what you’d say, but it’s her perspective.

This. If therr is no nanny then the 15 year old is responsible for her siblings and is not having a relaxing summer st home. Hire the nanny or pay your kid.

+1 Unless you absolutely cannot afford it, it does seem like a lot of responsibility. Plus it is hard to be responsible for your own siblings. The younger kids may not respect your older daughter's authority and that would be very difficult for your older daughter.

[Anonymous]

Yea, she doesn't want to babysit her younger siblings. I get that. So, bring back the nanny and tell the 15-year-old she needs to get a summer job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it’s not the older ones responsibility to babysit.

Why is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it’s not the older ones responsibility to babysit.

Why is that?

Seriously? That is a lot of responsibility for someone 1) who doesn’t want to do it, 2) isn’t comfortable doing it and 3) clearly isn’t getting paid.