Do you get angry about the life you've been given (things you cannot control?)
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Anonymous
My heart goes out to you. I did want to address the "no sibling support" part. I have been the caregiver too and had horrible verbal abuse hurled at me. My sibling made things worse. She is disturbed and loves to feel drama. She also made sure to get a good payout as I did the work. My sibling has made it all more stressful not less and I truly am surprised at the depth of her evil and frankly so is my therapist! |
Anonymous
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ACE score of 8 here. I am turning 59 this year and it feels like I am impacted by childhood neglect now even more than I was in my 20’s. Then, I was in a high of having “escaped”. Now, I am so much more aware of how debilitated I am by fear, avoidance, procrastination, self-hatred, PTSD. I have people who love me but no real friends who are actual companions in my day to day life. I am married to someone who turned to be an addict...and after 20 years of therapy, I married him in my 49’s and didn’t even recognize his addiction beforehand!
I am just so disappointed in myself that I am not healthier, emotionally. I eat compulsively. I read DCUM to numb out and ignore real pressing things. I have dreams from my 20’s that I haven’t even begun to pursue, On the other hand: I am a good mom to a late in life child With said child, I am patient and reliable I have a job My brother died by suicide over a decade ago. I have survived I have never been in trouble with the law or drugs I don’t actively hurt anyone I am not an alcoholic It just seems like a small list of accomplishment compared to my “potential”. I got lots of scholarships. I used to be very smart. I am a good writer. I was going to do great things. Instead, I have a brain full of scattered ideas and I am drowning in regrets. I get angry a lot, but it’s mostly at myself. |
Anonymous
. Correction: I’m turning 50 this year. Add to my list of failings the fact that I frequently post typos to DCUM because I’m typing in my phone and autocorrect rarely works. |
Anonymous
Says someone with an ACE score of 1 or 2. Complex PTSD is not “wallowing in self Pity” you heartless pile of rotting excrement. |
Anonymous
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I get angry sometimes when I read the people with such cartoonish wealth and privilege on DCUM acting like they earned it all and that everyone else should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps yo the position of wealth that they were born into.
I get angry sometimes that so many people’s lives are genuinely far easier than mine. I get angry sometimes that my brother is dead and his cruel, abusive wife is alive. But it doesn’t take long for me to remember that I am luckier than just people. I just think..,I’m the history of humanity, my bed is one of the .001% most comfortable beds ever. That I sleep more comfortably than kings and queens just a few hundred years ago. |
Anonymous
| Yep I am angry at the family I was born into. I would have loved a normal, kind, loving family and instead I got mine. I lucked out massively. |
Anonymous
You seem to be haunted by your own expectations of what your life should be, or what constitutes a life of “value”; of course that constant companion of “all the things I was going to accomplish will leave you feeling hopeless, worthless and immobile. And it’s so, so unfair to yourself. I think it would benefit you to work on shifting your focus to appreciating the life you’ve built for yourself and your child, all on your own. It is not a failure that your DH turned out to be an addict - you are far from alone in that struggle. Working, supporting your family, paying your bills, being kind - those aren’t “nothing” and there is value in all of it. I mentioned in another thread that a friend was telling me about a phenomenon where making one small step in your life can shift everything, even minutely so that you are moving in a new direction or seeing things in a different way...it doesn’t have to be a huge, microcosmic thing...it can be very small...like volunteering, or keeping a journal, or taking a walk in nature every weekend... My wish for you is that you come to see your value, and recognize that your survival is no small feat, and that an “ordinary” life is still of value. The key is to make peace with it. |
Anonymous
| Meant^^”all the things I was going to accomplish” (forgot the end quotations) |
Anonymous
| I’m tremendously sad that my child was born with multiple special needs. Not mad most of the time. He doesn’t deserve a life this hard and neither do I. The anger I reserve for patronizing doctors, insurance companies and teachers who don’t get him. |
Anonymous
Well, as PP said, you write very well and express yourself very clearly. I’m sorry you’re struggling so. |
Anonymous
Not in the same way. I hope you have some happy moments and some measure of relief from grief, soon. I'm so sorry. |
Anonymous
Yes, you will be happy but maybe not as happy as you once were. Someone or something will make you laugh or smile and that will be the first step and just one of many. |
Anonymous
| OP, yes, and sad, too. I think that most people feel this way from time to time. If it was not over very difficult things like you describe, it would be over lesser things, assuming that you are not hurting others or destructive or neglectful. Sometimes success means not repeating the terrible things that were done to us, and that is sometimes enough. |
Anonymous
I don't know if I can express this properly, but one of the things I learned about profound grief is that it is possible to feel grief and sadness and joy simultaneously. You will always grieve and be sad and angry about your loss, but that doesn't mean you will never experience joy again. If you aren't aware of it, I recommend the podcast "Terrible, Thanks for Asking." The host lost her husband to cancer. I would go back to the very beginning. She does a much better job than I can of describing how it feels to live with these contradictory emotions. |
Anonymous
Are you me??? This was my story too. My parents were profoundly immature and mentally unwell and I was targeted by a sibling. I don’t feel angry although I had times in my life where I felt very sad or hopeless. But, I’ve been fortunate too. I was lucky to be good at school and a creative problem-Silver and persistent and used those strengths to create a safer future. I was helped by many people and have healed a lot of the worst wounds. There are times when I get triggered, but fewer every year and I find it easier to cope. |