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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]ACE score of 8 here.  I am turning 59 this year and it feels like I am impacted by childhood neglect now even more than I was in my 20’s.  Then, I was in a high of having “escaped”.   Now, I am so much more aware of how debilitated I am by fear, avoidance, procrastination, self-hatred, PTSD.  I have people who love me but no real friends who are actual companions in my day to day life.  I am married to someone who turned to be an addict...and after 20 years of therapy, I married him in my 49’s and didn’t even recognize his addiction beforehand!

I am just so disappointed in myself that I am not healthier, emotionally.  I eat compulsively.  I read DCUM to numb out and ignore real pressing things.  I have dreams from my 20’s that I haven’t even begun to pursue,

On the other hand:
I am a good mom to a late in life child
With said child, I am patient and reliable
I have a job
My brother died by suicide over a decade ago.  I have survived
I have never been in trouble with the law or drugs
I don’t actively hurt anyone
I am not an alcoholic

It just seems like a small list of accomplishment compared to my “potential”.  I got lots of scholarships.  I used to be very smart.  I am a good writer.  I was going to do great things.  Instead, I have a brain full of scattered ideas and I am drowning in regrets.

I get angry a lot, but it’s mostly at myself.[/quote]

You seem to be haunted by your own expectations of what your life should be, or what constitutes a life of “value”; of course that constant companion of “all the things I was going to accomplish will leave you feeling hopeless, worthless and immobile. And it’s so, so unfair to yourself.

I think it would benefit you to work on shifting your focus to appreciating the life you’ve built for yourself and your child, all on your own. It is not a failure that your DH turned out to be an addict - you are far from alone in that struggle. Working, supporting your family, paying your bills, being kind - those aren’t “nothing” and there is value in all of it.

I mentioned in another thread that a friend was telling me about a phenomenon where making one small step in your life can shift everything, even minutely  so that you are moving in a new direction or seeing things in a different way...it doesn’t have to be a huge, microcosmic thing...it can be very small...like volunteering, or keeping a journal, or taking a walk in nature every weekend...

My wish for you is that you come to see your value, and recognize that your survival is no small feat, and that an “ordinary” life is still of value. The key is to make peace with it.

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