If there was a golden/favored child in your family, how did they turn out as adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that these 'Golden Children' are often people who don't do well in life as adults, e.g. dropping out of education, drink, drugs, debts, you name it? Why did their parents favor them?

In my home growing up the Golden have them bragging rights and had the strengths they valued. There really wasn't enough emphasis on things like being kind, respectful to all even those who can do nothing for you, having integrity, etc. So she continued to be brag-worthy with her career, but the other stuff got her into a lot of trouble. She briefly became the scapegoat when her superior attitude and haughtiness caused her enough trouble that she was fired. She has since bounced back and got her Golden crown back.

[Anonymous]

Older sister, middle child.

She is now a perfectionist with a lot of anxiety, and a fixer/meddler who is always trying to get the middle of what people are doing to make it "right" (not ethically right, but right and perfect as she sees fit - even if others are happy).

She is independent and very self sufficient, but also critical of others.

She used to severely, severely project her issues and anxieties on me, but I will not take it anymore and will call her out on it. This tendency of hers have lessened over the years due to my refusal to put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Older sister, middle child.

She is now a perfectionist with a lot of anxiety, and a fixer/meddler who is always trying to get the middle of what people are doing to make it "right" (not ethically right, but right and perfect as she sees fit - even if others are happy).

She is independent and very self sufficient, but also critical of others.

She used to severely, severely project her issues and anxieties on me, but I will not take it anymore and will call her out on it. This tendency of hers have lessened over the years due to my refusal to put up with it.

Oof, this is so much like my sister and my mother, both golden children. Except my sister is not very independent. But I also had to learn how to just walk away from her meddling. It was hard because it comes off so confident -- she just makes pronouncements about the way people should act and dress and organize their lives and there is no room in what she says for variation. But now I can just leave it be and live my life how I want.

The harder part was learning to stop engage with this personality type elsewhere. Even after I'd figured out how to deal with my sister, I kept almost seeking out people with the same personality and then getting drawn into that dynamic. I have had a lot "best" friends who were this same golden child type. I have finally learned enough about myself and my patterns to recognize it. But wow did this follow me deep into adulthood.

I frequency with which I encounter parental favorites with this personality indicates to me that having a favorite child isn't great for that kid. Unless your goal is "controlling personality" but why would you want that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just understanding how this dynamic has shaped my family and caused so much dysfunction know. I'm just curious to see how it's shaped other families and if the golden child became a decent adult.

He used parents for money, was diagnosed as bipolar, threatened to kill himself, was involuntarily committed on a mental health hold for 3 days, later arrested for domestic violence, didn't speak to my parents after their $$$ dried up, and has now acknowledged he's an alcoholic. He's doing better. But it was an ugly, ugly 10 years or so.

[Anonymous]

I was the golden child but musky b/c I was the youngest and only girl. No issues about it now. It is actually a joke whenever we get together. One SIL makes snide remarks sometimes... I am successful professionally and with family.

[Anonymous]

He is a CPA and lawyer, GC for a company. He married an ex-model turned lawyer. They have two cute children that basically always smile and are happy. No shit - I babysat for the older one when she was 4 and the younger one was being born and in THREE DAYS she didn't cry once. He is generous and very polished.

He's also boring AF. He's mostly lost his sense of humor but every once in a while it shines through, like a couple of weeks ago when his wife was away all day and he was in charge of the (now) 5 yr old and 12 month old - I FaceTimed the 5 yr old and he walked behind her and gave me the finger with both hands while sticking out his tongue. It made me so happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that these 'Golden Children' are often people who don't do well in life as adults, e.g. dropping out of education, drink, drugs, debts, you name it? Why did their parents favor them?

I think the parents are overcompensating some of the time. They know all is not well and they think "Golden Child" just needs a little more love, compassion, empathy, etc at the expense of other children. But it doesn't make any difference in the outcome and alienates the non-favored children.

x10000

SIL is the Golden child, and not very independent. DH gave her a job to get her on her feet while she had kids, and did a lot for the family so that SIL could be independent, but SIL has zero acknowledgement of that. We sacrificed more than she knows for that to happen, sadly.

I have a sister that was mom's golden child, I was dad's golden child. I think it is healthier to be the opposite gender's golden child, somehow. Sister thinks she is above it all, and can do no wrong, and bears a huge burden from the expectations put on her. Probably the same with SIL. DH and I had very few expectations put on us, and are happy adults. The sister and SIL, not so much. I wouldn't want to be them, frankly - their view of themselves is enormously distorted.

[Anonymous]

The GC would shift in my family, depending on who they thought would be the most "successful" child; first it was my brother, then me, and then back to him and his daughter.

We have all been reasonably successful in a middle class way, but I think this whole dynamic has hurt everyone. It's really prominent in my mom's family.

[Anonymous]

Entitled. Spoiled. Rampant liar. Other people exist only to serve him. Yet he needed MY DH's connections, skills, and $ to get a job and launch a business...

[Anonymous]

He turned out great. One of the smartest, kindest people I know.

[Anonymous]

One of my brothers was favored because he was born with a disability and he went through a ton of surgery by the time he was 10 or so but he deserved to be favored. He has been incredibly successful and he has been an inspiration to many people. While he was favored my parents didn’t spoil him and in fact they really motivated him to not think of himself as being disabled and he never has. I think of him as my own Forest Gump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that these 'Golden Children' are often people who don't do well in life as adults, e.g. dropping out of education, drink, drugs, debts, you name it? Why did their parents favor them?

Anecdata. Plenty of golden children are very successful. My husband is one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just understanding how this dynamic has shaped my family and caused so much dysfunction know. I'm just curious to see how it's shaped other families and if the golden child became a decent adult.

Dead from heroin in his 30's

[Anonymous]

Mean, single, divorced, lost in his career, no kids, Peter Pan syndrome, narcissistic personality traits

[Anonymous]

I was the golden child. I'm now highly successful in a competitive, creative field, but my personal life is a disaster.

I have three siblings. The black sheep is a trainwreck in all areas. One sibling has a job they love but a spouse they dislike, and the other has a job they hate and a spouse they tolerate. We are the product of an addict and a narcissist and honestly, we're all kind of a mess.