How to raise really honorable boys / men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models are important, but so are female role models. You have to humanize yourself. You're someone your sons love. Tell them about your experiences honestly. I mean the ugly stuff, and how it shaped you. My kid knows about sexual assaults and abortions and abusive relationships along with the good stuff and accomishments. There is no such thing as "those women." We can all be those women.

Talk about how a good partner or girlfriend/boyfriend is clear with you about their boundaries, and praise good and clear communication when they engage in it.

Talk about, specifically, how to approach someone physically. Sometimes young guys forget that they are suddenly physically imposing, and need reminding about personal space, not inadvertently blocking an egress, not sneaking up on someone from behind.

If you're white, talk about racism. Talk about specifics, what you screwed up, what you learned, how to do better. E.g., how to act in a car if you are pulled over, especially if friends of color are in there with you.

How should a white boy act if they are pulled over with a friend who happens to be black? I’m a female, but never did anything differently as a teenager and was pulled over at least once with friends in the car of all different skin colors. Different part of the country though,Southern California.

PP you're responding to. As a white person, I felt like I *kind of* knew, but since I couldn't escape my own lens here, I spitballed this one with some trusted BIPOC friends (key words here...not acquaintances) who were willing once my kid reached driving age. Acknowledging that no group of people are a monolith, this is what I heard: be polite, don't challenge, hands visible, ask permission before reaching for wallet, etc. Do not carry or let anyone else in your car carry any controlled or illegal substances. Don't even let them in your car. Do not get huffy with an officer. This one's not about driving per se, but still important: do not leave the scene if you are in a group and are stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models are important, but so are female role models. You have to humanize yourself. You're someone your sons love. Tell them about your experiences honestly. I mean the ugly stuff, and how it shaped you. My kid knows about sexual assaults and abortions and abusive relationships along with the good stuff and accomishments. There is no such thing as "those women." We can all be those women.

Talk about how a good partner or girlfriend/boyfriend is clear with you about their boundaries, and praise good and clear communication when they engage in it.

Talk about, specifically, how to approach someone physically. Sometimes young guys forget that they are suddenly physically imposing, and need reminding about personal space, not inadvertently blocking an egress, not sneaking up on someone from behind.

If you're white, talk about racism. Talk about specifics, what you screwed up, what you learned, how to do better. E.g., how to act in a car if you are pulled over, especially if friends of color are in there with you.

How should a white boy act if they are pulled over with a friend who happens to be black? I’m a female, but never did anything differently as a teenager and was pulled over at least once with friends in the car of all different skin colors. Different part of the country though,Southern California.

PP you're responding to. As a white person, I felt like I *kind of* knew, but since I couldn't escape my own lens here, I spitballed this one with some trusted BIPOC friends (key words here...not acquaintances) who were willing once my kid reached driving age. Acknowledging that no group of people are a monolith, this is what I heard: be polite, don't challenge, hands visible, ask permission before reaching for wallet, etc. Do not carry or let anyone else in your car carry any controlled or illegal substances. Don't even let them in your car. Do not get huffy with an officer. This one's not about driving per se, but still important: do not leave the scene if you are in a group and are stopped.

The tl;dr was mostly being cognizant that the stakes are higher for your friends, so act accordingly and don't do anything that increases their risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models

This is key. When we have selfish husbands who only are aware of their job, money, and cars, it makes it very difficult for us to grow honorable boys/ men. School environment plays an important role, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models

This is my problem. My son has a father who is a great dad but very self absorbed type, mediocre husband. It’s easy to get along with him if he’s in a good mood otherwise he’s really self centered
I hate that my son watches us argue and we have no other men as really close role models for him. My dad was great and my don and he were close but he passed away recently. I don’t know whether to just try to always keep peace in front of my son, or stand up for myself with my husband or show my don that sort of behavior has consequences and is really not okay.

So, I'm a Dad. and honestly, I think I'm a pretty good one.

But if your kids father is not the best role model, then you need to find other role models.

For example, I coach multiple sports teams for my kids and was a scout pack leader for my son's pack.

the first two years I was a scout leader, I would get a little annoyed with some of the boys that wanted ALL of my attention. Same when I coached soccer and little league. there were always some boys that tried to get all of my attention.

Then I realized, these boys were starved for attention from a responsible adult male. And my mindset switched from using this as an opportunity to spend more time with my sons to a chance to hopefully help show these boys how real men behave: with compassion and love and patience.

I still take that role seriously because I want those boys to see my example.

so it's out there. And you have to make sure your son has time with those men.

And its not about having BIG conversations about what a man is. It's about example. It's about seeing your coach treat the one girl on the team with the same respect. It's about seeing your pack leader defer to the den leader who is a woman.

It's about the coach acknowledging and letting a player "cry" when they are hurt and NOT telling them to 'rub a little dirt on it.' Or having the coach recognize and validate a players feelings when they strike out 4 times in a game.

It's witnessing these little examples over and over again that makes a boy turn into a good man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models

This is my problem. My son has a father who is a great dad but very self absorbed type, mediocre husband. It’s easy to get along with him if he’s in a good mood otherwise he’s really self centered
I hate that my son watches us argue and we have no other men as really close role models for him. My dad was great and my don and he were close but he passed away recently. I don’t know whether to just try to always keep peace in front of my son, or stand up for myself with my husband or show my don that sort of behavior has consequences and is really not okay.

So, I'm a Dad. and honestly, I think I'm a pretty good one.

But if your kids father is not the best role model, then you need to find other role models.

For example, I coach multiple sports teams for my kids and was a scout pack leader for my son's pack.

the first two years I was a scout leader, I would get a little annoyed with some of the boys that wanted ALL of my attention. Same when I coached soccer and little league. there were always some boys that tried to get all of my attention.

Then I realized, these boys were starved for attention from a responsible adult male. And my mindset switched from using this as an opportunity to spend more time with my sons to a chance to hopefully help show these boys how real men behave: with compassion and love and patience.

I still take that role seriously because I want those boys to see my example.

so it's out there. And you have to make sure your son has time with those men.

And its not about having BIG conversations about what a man is. It's about example. It's about seeing your coach treat the one girl on the team with the same respect. It's about seeing your pack leader defer to the den leader who is a woman.

It's about the coach acknowledging and letting a player "cry" when they are hurt and NOT telling them to 'rub a little dirt on it.' Or having the coach recognize and validate a players feelings when they strike out 4 times in a game.

It's witnessing these little examples over and over again that makes a boy turn into a good man.

Just want to say that you're awesome!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models

This is my problem. My son has a father who is a great dad but very self absorbed type, mediocre husband. It’s easy to get along with him if he’s in a good mood otherwise he’s really self centered
I hate that my son watches us argue and we have no other men as really close role models for him. My dad was great and my don and he were close but he passed away recently. I don’t know whether to just try to always keep peace in front of my son, or stand up for myself with my husband or show my don that sort of behavior has consequences and is really not okay.

So, I'm a Dad. and honestly, I think I'm a pretty good one.

But if your kids father is not the best role model, then you need to find other role models.

For example, I coach multiple sports teams for my kids and was a scout pack leader for my son's pack.

the first two years I was a scout leader, I would get a little annoyed with some of the boys that wanted ALL of my attention. Same when I coached soccer and little league. there were always some boys that tried to get all of my attention.

Then I realized, these boys were starved for attention from a responsible adult male. And my mindset switched from using this as an opportunity to spend more time with my sons to a chance to hopefully help show these boys how real men behave: with compassion and love and patience.

I still take that role seriously because I want those boys to see my example.

so it's out there. And you have to make sure your son has time with those men.

And its not about having BIG conversations about what a man is. It's about example. It's about seeing your coach treat the one girl on the team with the same respect. It's about seeing your pack leader defer to the den leader who is a woman.

It's about the coach acknowledging and letting a player "cry" when they are hurt and NOT telling them to 'rub a little dirt on it.' Or having the coach recognize and validate a players feelings when they strike out 4 times in a game.

It's witnessing these little examples over and over again that makes a boy turn into a good man.

Just want to say that you're awesome!!!

Thank you

The extra layer on top of my whole approach is that (unfortunately), I look like your typical toxic male. I'm a big guy and I'm into weight-lifting, and I love tattoos. One of my teams from last year called me John Cena with tattoos.

So people see me and they expect me to behave very differently. Which is why I feel its even more important that I try to demonstrate that those kindness qualities are universal.

[Anonymous]

Also, if appropriate, put THEM in the role of role model......be a patrol leader who has to deal with younger scouts, be an assistant counselor at a summer camp.....nothing like letting them get a glimpse of entitled, dishonorable behavior from the role model side of it...has done wonders for our 15 year old!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, if appropriate, put THEM in the role of role model......be a patrol leader who has to deal with younger scouts, be an assistant counselor at a summer camp.....nothing like letting them get a glimpse of entitled, dishonorable behavior from the role model side of it...has done wonders for our 15 year old!

This is great advice. They usually know what appropriate behavior is, and when you give them the responsibility to model that to someone younger, they will most likely take it seriously.