How to raise really honorable boys / men

[Anonymous]

I’d add that anything you can do to facilitate a friend group where the parents are the modeling the same behavior is important. Adult role models are great, but as teens their peers play into their behavior. A friend group who doesn’t tolerate jerky behavior goes a long way toward tamping it down

[Anonymous]

Strong work ethic

[Anonymous]

I think that having your family do service activities, like working at a food bank when it’s safe, is a good idea. Also, having them read biographies of famous people who stood up for what they knew was right. Keep the talk going, because even if they slip, that little voice will always be there telling them that they know better. It’s very important to point out examples of people acting honorably. I’d ask that your kids’ school do the same.

[Anonymous]

As a mother of a middle teen daughter, I appreciate this thread. My DD tells me there is such a general lack of respect for girls and their boundaries. I think the availability of porn has definitely contributed to this among young men.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries, boundaries, no means no, stop means stop and communication, communication, communication.

Also teach them that sex and intimacy aren’t bad. And it is only with willing, engaged partners. Otherwise it is isn’t sex or intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

For my boys: Sports and good grades are also expected.

You require them to play sports? That seems pretty controlling, and not in keeping with developing a strong internal compass. Some kids hate sports (or music, or scouts). That's not a moral failing.

Similarly, some kids struggle academically. Their grades don't mean they are somehow less-valuable people.

Signed,
Mom of 3 feminist boys (all with excellent grades, two who play team sports)

[Anonymous]

One of my boys is a man, in his mid 20's and the other is a boy of 11.
1. I do not teach to "try and never give up" but instead to "try until it's no longer reasonable to keep trying."
2. No means no, stop means stop, and an inability to give consent MEANS no and stop.
3. If one of your friends is not respecting "no" or "stop" then help them to do it. "Hey, she said stop" or "Hey, she can't give consent like this."
4. If one of your girl friends is about to be in an unsafe position then help her.
5. Do not ever use your physicality during an argument. If you have physically intimidated someone to win an argument, then you have lost it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my boys is a man, in his mid 20's and the other is a boy of 11.
1. I do not teach to "try and never give up" but instead to "try until it's no longer reasonable to keep trying."
2. No means no, stop means stop, and an inability to give consent MEANS no and stop.
3. If one of your friends is not respecting "no" or "stop" then help them to do it. "Hey, she said stop" or "Hey, she can't give consent like this."
4. If one of your girl friends is about to be in an unsafe position then help her.
5. Do not ever use your physicality during an argument. If you have physically intimidated someone to win an argument, then you have lost it.

I love this. Especially the last one. Maybe I can convince my DS of this when he is beating up his little brother, LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models

It's really that simple.

And as many as you can. Obviously dad, grandpa and uncles are the first. But coaches, scout leaders, teachers/club leaders.

Positive male role models.

[Anonymous]

Good male role models are important, but so are female role models. You have to humanize yourself. You're someone your sons love. Tell them about your experiences honestly. I mean the ugly stuff, and how it shaped you. My kid knows about sexual assaults and abortions and abusive relationships along with the good stuff and accomishments. There is no such thing as "those women." We can all be those women.

Talk about how a good partner or girlfriend/boyfriend is clear with you about their boundaries, and praise good and clear communication when they engage in it.

Talk about, specifically, how to approach someone physically. Sometimes young guys forget that they are suddenly physically imposing, and need reminding about personal space, not inadvertently blocking an egress, not sneaking up on someone from behind.

If you're white, talk about racism. Talk about specifics, what you screwed up, what you learned, how to do better. E.g., how to act in a car if you are pulled over, especially if friends of color are in there with you.

[Anonymous]

If you want to peek ahead and see what teen boys are facing or at least thinking about, I recommend the Peggy Orenstein book “Boys and Sex,” which is mostly a record of hundreds of interviews she did with teen boys around the country. One interesting tidbit — she was surprised by how much boys wanted to talk to her about the issues. Most felt a lot of confusion and don’t think there was anyone they could open up to about it all. Even if they don’t express it, I imagine your boys will be grateful someday that you were so mindful in helping them learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models

This is my problem. My son has a father who is a great dad but very self absorbed type, mediocre husband. It’s easy to get along with him if he’s in a good mood otherwise he’s really self centered
I hate that my son watches us argue and we have no other men as really close role models for him. My dad was great and my don and he were close but he passed away recently. I don’t know whether to just try to always keep peace in front of my son, or stand up for myself with my husband or show my don that sort of behavior has consequences and is really not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models are important, but so are female role models. You have to humanize yourself. You're someone your sons love. Tell them about your experiences honestly. I mean the ugly stuff, and how it shaped you. My kid knows about sexual assaults and abortions and abusive relationships along with the good stuff and accomishments. There is no such thing as "those women." We can all be those women.

Talk about how a good partner or girlfriend/boyfriend is clear with you about their boundaries, and praise good and clear communication when they engage in it.

Talk about, specifically, how to approach someone physically. Sometimes young guys forget that they are suddenly physically imposing, and need reminding about personal space, not inadvertently blocking an egress, not sneaking up on someone from behind.

If you're white, talk about racism. Talk about specifics, what you screwed up, what you learned, how to do better. E.g., how to act in a car if you are pulled over, especially if friends of color are in there with you.

How should a white boy act if they are pulled over with a friend who happens to be black? I’m a female, but never did anything differently as a teenager and was pulled over at least once with friends in the car of all different skin colors. Different part of the country though,Southern California.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good male role models

This is my problem. My son has a father who is a great dad but very self absorbed type, mediocre husband. It’s easy to get along with him if he’s in a good mood otherwise he’s really self centered
I hate that my son watches us argue and we have no other men as really close role models for him. My dad was great and my don and he were close but he passed away recently. I don’t know whether to just try to always keep peace in front of my son, or stand up for myself with my husband or show my don that sort of behavior has consequences and is really not okay.

My $.02? Stand up. (I'm the one who posted about being a good female role model and telling your whole story). At one point, my otherwise lovely spouse (not my kid's dad...we divorced...guess why) and my son said some things off the cuff that were so hurtful, I got up and left. Then I came back, sat them both down on the couch, pulled up a chair, cracked open a beer facing both of them,, and told them *in detail* about a couple experiences I had. I cried. It was uncomfortable for everyone. But they f***ing got it.

BTW, my kid was an older teen at the time...clearly not an approach I would have necessarily taken with a younger kid.

[Anonymous]

While being a good role model is extremely important, just remember it will only go so far. Kids all have their own personalities, beliefs, ways of doing things. No matter how much you teach/show them, you can’t “make” them behave in any certain way. I think people forget that.