How to raise really honorable boys / men
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Anonymous
| I have 3 boys and try to be very mindful of raising them to have empathy, kindness etc. but they will at some point turn into horney insecure teenagers. As a female I caved to peer pressure at that age to do some things I didn’t actually want to and I also did some mean girl things to make myself feel better about myself. Nothing extreme just recognizing the struggles and insecurity that comes with being a teen. I worry about how this plays out for boys - sharing nudes, pressuring for physical to go further / ignoring signals someone is no longer enthusiastic, etc. we of course talk about consent but how do you really get through to teen boys not about the extreme stuff which hopefully we have covered but all the less extreme areas where peer pressure are hormones are pushing them towards jerk actions (I’m not trying to minimize actions - I just don’t want to conflate guys like the senior jerk-bullies that pressured me into strip poker as a sophmore with rapists which is a whole other category) |
Anonymous
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Right there with you and my son just turned 14. He went from a sweet little kind boy who always stood up for the little guy to a PITA jerk (at times, not always). It's his own insecurity that's fueling that. He always felt he had to be the best at something to have worth (best swimmer, best baseball player, best pianist, whatever) and can't see how false that is.
So he's been a jerk online. Mean to other kids in video games. (not much to report in person yet due to COVID). But then he can be utterly sweet and gallant, and he recently ran into exactly what you are talking about. A girl in his class snapchatted nudes to her "boyfriend" and he spread them all over school. She ended up transferring. He was a kind and patient ear for her to vent to, and advised her to find an adult she trusted to speak to (she doesn't get along with her mother). AND he told me, because he was concerned. I praised him to the hilt and told him how mature he was, and how proud I was of him. (I hope the positive feedback encourages more of the same). So that bit about finding a trusted adult she could turn to? That's a conversation I've had with him since he was in elementary school. That I understand he may not always want to tell Dad and Mom something, but if he has other trusted adults in his life, he can always go to them. So I really think what we tell them and how we guide them matter. And keep saying it. We've had multiple talks about consent and how a girl could change her mind right in the middle of everything. Or how she may want one thing but not another, and he needs to respect that, just like she needs to respect that from him. And told him yet again this is why I don't want him having casual sex, but rather in a trusting, respectful relationship. He and his partner are much less likely to get their signals crossed in the heat of the moment if they have an established relationship. And we've discussed how he's at risk if he has casual sex and the girl says he did something against her will. I have worked with rape crisis counselors in the past, and they tell me how the rapists often truly believe that the sex was consensual. There is a huge communication disconnect in many date rape-type cases, and that's what scares me the most. That my son may genuinely believe a girl is consenting, and she absolutely knows she is not. 
We talk and talk and talk. Is it a guarantee they will be good men? Nope. But it's the best I can think of right now. |
Anonymous
| Good male role models |
Anonymous
This. My husband and I have been the role models they need. I don’t know if any “talking “ gets through at his age unless you have been that role model and you have that deep connection with them going into those teen years . It’s the constant teachings leading up to Those teen years that is so important too. |
Anonymous
| Second good male role model. I was raised largely by my mother who showed me kindness and how to be a good person. But when your male role models are other kids or from the movies it messes you up no matter how good of a mother you had. I’m alright, but wish I was better. |
Anonymous
I think this goes a long ways but I had good parental role models and still did dumb teen shit. I think we as a society have a much better understanding now of how damaging some teen dumb decisions can be. Eg boys made slut lists at my hs - good kids from good homes and I’m sure they would have been passing nude pics around if they’d existed then. In the 90s it was chalked up to boys will be boys, we don’t anymore but still need to do something different to change things |
Anonymous
| I also think it is important that you address the micro issues you see as they happen. They are testing limits and you have to let them know where you stand and what you believe, even if they keep crossing that line. Your line shouldn't move. Someday, they will come back to center and you are setting the fulcrum. |
Anonymous
| role model, for sure. But also, you need to be very clear about what respecting a girl means. Reinforcing that No means stop, not a tease. Being clear that exchanging nude photos could lead to a sexual predator label on him for life. If you just use vague language like, "show respect," most 14 year olds have little clue what that really means. |
Anonymous
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I just want to say, as a mother of 3 girls, I'm glad you're thinking about this and creating a dialog among other parents.
I'm hoping that alone is enough to turn the tides. Parents of our generation didn't have community forums where these matters could be discussed. |
Anonymous
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Self advocacy at a young age, and don’t take the boys will be boys, girls will be girls attitude.
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Anonymous
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My husband is a good role model for our boys. Very helpful. We also have many "casual" talks/conversations, on long car rides, at bed time, when we're relaxing, when we see something on TV, when I tell them about an article I read, etc. Talk, talk, talk; No means, No. Respect the law and others. Do the right thing even when no one is looking. Talk about personal experiences when growing up. etc For my boys: Sports and good grades are also expected. Be a good role model. They will make mistakes still and learn their lesson....all part of growing up! |
Anonymous
| JROTC. My son is a Cadet because he plans to join the military, and it is a great program. |
Anonymous
| Good father and grandfather role models. |
Anonymous
+100 AND good female role models too. Please, thank you and showing gratitude. Not tolerate not doing any of the three..and the manners starts from birth. It will become engrained. Taking personal responsibility. Owning mistakes. Working to fix mistakes and any hurt caused others. Standing up for the underdog. Helping out around the house—mine mow lawn, unload dishwasher, take out trash, etc. No entitlement. You are not better than anyone merely because you have the benefit of education & money. KINDNESS. How to handle failure and disappointment gracefully. Treating BOTH men and women with respect. Help out when someone needs it, hold doors, offer your seat, carry groceries. My boys are 13 and 15.5 and saw grandfather, parents, uncles, mentor coaches display admirable behavior. As a mom, I have had people (neighbors I don’t know well, teachers, shop keepers, coaches, etc) tell me how polite and caring my boys are. They will tell me stories of how they helped somebody that needed it. Mothers have told me since they were little they’re daughter said they were one of the “nice” boys. When we see bad behavior, we call it...whether it’s on a playing field or with each other at home. Entitlement and poor manners are rampant in this area. Pay attention to their friends. My boys have picked (on their own) very nice and considerate boys to hang out with. The parents are also people I’ve met and see have similar attitudes on character/respect. That said: nobody can be sure down there line, but the 18 years you have them mean the most. |
Anonymous
+1 |