When to tell ex dating someone new

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check your Divorce Agreement. Mine states that the Party will introduce the new SO to the other Party if/when the SO is introduced to the kids, which should not happen prior to 6 months.

I do not know why anyone would put that in a divorce agreement. I certainly did not.

New poster here. It's called a morality clause, and nearly everyone I know has one. Having said that, every divorce attorney will warn you that it's not enforceable. It's pretty standard for divorces with kids around here in DC, Bethesda, CC at least. It makes people pause before introducing a revolving door of boyfriends and girlfriends to their kids.

I suppose if you have a do-it-yourself or a simple divorce, you might not think of it.

We have a similar clause in our agreement. Ex completely ignores it. He has exposed/introduced our DC to a revolving door of women both during our divorce and since our divorce was finalized (the temp agreement was actually more stringent; no exposure to paramours ever, period). I've lost count of how many women. Some had children, some did not (yes, they introduced each other's children). I know this because DC tells me. It's awful. Ex uses DC as "bait" to attract women and pretend he's Dad of the Year. Reality is, he's a horrible parent with horrendous judgement. Obviously.

Of course those clauses in the temp and final orders apply to me as well. I have not dated, at all. I'm not interested. I'm working to heal myself after this nightmare and focus on building the best life for me and DC. When the time comes that I do date again, I will absolutely not introduce anyone to DC until it is very serious.

All this to say, ex doesn't tell me anything. And I don't ask. DC tells me (without me asking). It's absolutely horrible, but there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is provide the healthiest, most stable home environment for DC when DC is with me. And if DC asks any questions or needs any support, I'm always there to give it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check your Divorce Agreement. Mine states that the Party will introduce the new SO to the other Party if/when the SO is introduced to the kids, which should not happen prior to 6 months.

I do not know why anyone would put that in a divorce agreement. I certainly did not.

New poster here. It's called a morality clause, and nearly everyone I know has one. Having said that, every divorce attorney will warn you that it's not enforceable. It's pretty standard for divorces with kids around here in DC, Bethesda, CC at least. It makes people pause before introducing a revolving door of boyfriends and girlfriends to their kids.

I suppose if you have a do-it-yourself or a simple divorce, you might not think of it.

We had a mediator and each had attorneys review. It never came up. I would not have put it in there anyway. I trust my ex is not going to introduce kids to random people and vice versa. Also, ex is an attorney and would never put in something not truly enforceable in a contract...only things that can be enforced legally. This is not one of those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the people who are saying never. Even if you don't have/want any kind of relationship with your ex, presumably your kids still do. If the kids will be meeting the new SO, the ex should know that because they are in a position to parent regarding this issue. The kids may have feelings on the new SO that they are not comfortable sharing with the involved parent but may want to discuss with the ex (who is, after all, their other parent and should know about major events in their child's life).

This sounds good - in theory. My exDW introduced her AP now partner pretty immediately after we separated.
I also have young kids so I don’t buy any of the mother knows best crap. Basically you do what YOU think is best for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check your Divorce Agreement. Mine states that the Party will introduce the new SO to the other Party if/when the SO is introduced to the kids, which should not happen prior to 6 months.

I do not know why anyone would put that in a divorce agreement. I certainly did not.

New poster here. It's called a morality clause, and nearly everyone I know has one. Having said that, every divorce attorney will warn you that it's not enforceable. It's pretty standard for divorces with kids around here in DC, Bethesda, CC at least. It makes people pause before introducing a revolving door of boyfriends and girlfriends to their kids.

I suppose if you have a do-it-yourself or a simple divorce, you might not think of it.

We had a mediator and each had attorneys review. It never came up. I would not have put it in there anyway. I trust my ex is not going to introduce kids to random people and vice versa. Also, ex is an attorney and would never put in something not truly enforceable in a contract...only things that can be enforced legally. This is not one of those things.

So curious. Why did you get a divorce if thing were so perfectly amicable between the two of you? Couldn't you stay married until your kids went away to college?

Every attorney I know (including myself) has a morality clause. I divorced another attorney.

OP, there is no easy answer to this question. Kids of divorce are hurting, even years later, despite what their parents want to believe. Just google the studies. One thing that can help them is to divorce as amicably as possible (as we all know already) and to avoid badmouthing the other parent (as we all know already) and avoid introducing them to a bunch of adults whom you and your ex are dating. Kids do NOT want to meet their parents' boyfriends and girlfriends.

I think you can introduce your kids to someone after one year, but maybe closer to two years of dating if you are very serious about them and you've had a discussion with them about becoming a permanent part of each others' lives. Every situation is different. Some people are happily remarried two years after divorce. Good luck, OP, you deserve to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the people who are saying never. Even if you don't have/want any kind of relationship with your ex, presumably your kids still do. If the kids will be meeting the new SO, the ex should know that because they are in a position to parent regarding this issue. The kids may have feelings on the new SO that they are not comfortable sharing with the involved parent but may want to discuss with the ex (who is, after all, their other parent and should know about major events in their child's life).

If your kids want to talk to you about ex's SO- then they will bring it up to you. That really has nothing to do or makes it all necessary for your ex to talk to YOU about their SO. If your kids don't mention the SO to you, then you shouldn't bring it up either. They likely
don't want to talk to you about it. My mother would always ask me probing questions about.
my dad and his dating life/SO and it was the worst.

[Anonymous]

About a week before you kids meet/know about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check your Divorce Agreement. Mine states that the Party will introduce the new SO to the other Party if/when the SO is introduced to the kids, which should not happen prior to 6 months.

I do not know why anyone would put that in a divorce agreement. I certainly did not.

New poster here. It's called a morality clause, and nearly everyone I know has one. Having said that, every divorce attorney will warn you that it's not enforceable. It's pretty standard for divorces with kids around here in DC, Bethesda, CC at least. It makes people pause before introducing a revolving door of boyfriends and girlfriends to their kids.

I suppose if you have a do-it-yourself or a simple divorce, you might not think of it.

We had a mediator and each had attorneys review. It never came up. I would not have put it in there anyway. I trust my ex is not going to introduce kids to random people and vice versa. Also, ex is an attorney and would never put in something not truly enforceable in a contract...only things that can be enforced legally. This is not one of those things.

So curious. Why did you get a divorce if thing were so perfectly amicable between the two of you? Couldn't you stay married until your kids went away to college?

Every attorney I know (including myself) has a morality clause. I divorced another attorney.

OP, there is no easy answer to this question. Kids of divorce are hurting, even years later, despite what their parents want to believe. Just google the studies. One thing that can help them is to divorce as amicably as possible (as we all know already) and to avoid badmouthing the other parent (as we all know already) and avoid introducing them to a bunch of adults whom you and your ex are dating. Kids do NOT want to meet their parents' boyfriends and girlfriends.

I think you can introduce your kids to someone after one year, but maybe closer to two years of dating if you are very serious about them and you've had a discussion with them about becoming a permanent part of each others' lives. Every situation is different. Some people are happily remarried two years after divorce. Good luck, OP, you deserve to be happy.

Being amicable in a divorce for the kids is not the same is a functioning marriage.

I don’t know why people don’t divorce better—just put your kids first. I can do that. I could not stay married anymore. It had already wasted a decade. It was always a mistake. I waited too long to get out in the beginning listening to others to “stay”—much harder to go when there is a pregnancy (unplanned). Then you “stay for the kids” for far too many years on a dead relationship. It was not normal in any way. Have you gone without any emotional or physical intimacy for 5 years in a marriage? Do you think I was going to do that for another 14 until college? No.

It is not at all healthy to stay in a miserable marriage until the kids go to college. I tried for almost a decade. It is not worth it.

My parents stayed married “for the kids” and it is the worst thing they could have done. I am not having the next generation screwed up by this. If it is not working and never will, a good divorce is far better that a façade of a marriage.
I can be a co-parent. I don’t have to be married. It’s better than living a lie and having kids see that and teaching them that an abnormal marriage is okay. We are all going to be better off.

I don’t know why people still think divorce has to be a huge disaster. If parents are emotionally mature, they can be amicable for their kids in a divorce.

I don't plan to remarry (my ex does not either). There is no need to legally or financial enmesh myself in another person's life. All of my money will go to my kids (ex feels the same). A long-term boyfriend is fine. I would only introduce kids if it was seriously long-term and a minimum of 1 year of dating. I am not living with a man ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the people who are saying never. Even if you don't have/want any kind of relationship with your ex, presumably your kids still do. If the kids will be meeting the new SO, the ex should know that because they are in a position to parent regarding this issue. The kids may have feelings on the new SO that they are not comfortable sharing with the involved parent but may want to discuss with the ex (who is, after all, their other parent and should know about major events in their child's life).

If your kids want to talk to you about ex's SO- then they will bring it up to you. That really has nothing to do or makes it all necessary for your ex to talk to YOU about their SO. If your kids don't mention the SO to you, then you shouldn't bring it up either. They likely
don't want to talk to you about it. My mother would always ask me probing questions about.
my dad and his dating life/SO and it was the worst.

+1. My kids don’t talk to me about the women my ex dates and I don’t care who he dates. I was surprised to read that people have these morality clauses in their divorces and their ex spouses agreed to it. I’m an attorney and I never would’ve agreed to it. I’d see it as another way for my ex to try to control my life after divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the people who are saying never. Even if you don't have/want any kind of relationship with your ex, presumably your kids still do. If the kids will be meeting the new SO, the ex should know that because they are in a position to parent regarding this issue. The kids may have feelings on the new SO that they are not comfortable sharing with the involved parent but may want to discuss with the ex (who is, after all, their other parent and should know about major events in their child's life).

If your kids want to talk to you about ex's SO- then they will bring it up to you. That really has nothing to do or makes it all necessary for your ex to talk to YOU about their SO. If your kids don't mention the SO to you, then you shouldn't bring it up either. They likely
don't want to talk to you about it. My mother would always ask me probing questions about.
my dad and his dating life/SO and it was the worst.

+1. My kids don’t talk to me about the women my ex dates and I don’t care who he dates. I was surprised to read that people have these morality clauses in their divorces and their ex spouses agreed to it. I’m an attorney and I never would’ve agreed to it. I’d see it as another way for my ex to try to control my life after divorce.

I don't understand how morality clause would work. What if you develop a new strictly platonic friendship with someone, even of the opposite sex? So you can't introduce your kids to your new friend? If there are no displays of intimate affection (or overnight stays) between people in front of the kids, how would the kids even know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check your Divorce Agreement. Mine states that the Party will introduce the new SO to the other Party if/when the SO is introduced to the kids, which should not happen prior to 6 months.

I do not know why anyone would put that in a divorce agreement. I certainly did not.

It's weird but I've heard of multiple people doing it. Very controlling if you ask me.

My ex tried to get it in our divorce agreement that we'd have veto power over each other's partners. Super controlling. And dumb, because I would have been able to veto, too, and would happily bide my time and use it the day before ex got remarried.

That's not a morality clause. That's nuts.

Morality clauses aren't controlling. They just say that each partner tells the other before introducing kids to a boyfriend/girlfriend. The other partner can't stop it, but it's good to know so you can help prepare your kids for something that can be a traumatic experience and instead make it more pleasant.

Not enforceable but it makes people think twice sometimes about introducing kids to dozens of dates. Most sophisticated divorce agreements contain them.

Sophisticated divorce agreements?? They're not even enforceable and most involve shacking up.

[Anonymous]

Does never work for you?