What made you stay in a marriage if you were no longer physically attracted to spouse?

[Anonymous]

There was a thread several weeks maybe a couple of months ago. The husband wrote about the dilemma and iirc received pretty scrupulous advice from women lounging in the blood sniffing shark infested waters of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Ok so if you accept you are no longer attracted to your spouse because they let themselves go, do you still have an active sex life or just coexist as friend? How to you make yourself feel ok about having sex with someone that's very obese if you're dawn to people on the thinner side?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry some excuses people letting themselves are really lame. Medical issues are valid no doubt. Others not so much. My husband and i are in our 50’s and pretty much the same size and level of fitness as when we met. We make it a priority and are active when we are with our kids too...hiking, swimming, biking, skiing etc together. It's all about the choices we make. If someone really lets themselves go it's most likely depression

Good for you. I married my husband at 29 and I'm 59 now. I am about the same weight but no way am I at the same level of fitness. It's biologically impossible. I have some knee and arm issues and generally I feel my age. I hike, swim etc but I have a late fifties body.

Unless you're Elizabeth Hurley where you have a personal trainer, custom-made clothes, somebody preparing your food, and possibly some surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry some excuses people letting themselves are really lame. Medical issues are valid no doubt. Others not so much. My husband and i are in our 50’s and pretty much the same size and level of fitness as when we met. We make it a priority and are active when we are with our kids too...hiking, swimming, biking, skiing etc together. It's all about the choices we make. If someone really lets themselves go it's most likely depression

And both of you have stressful full time jobs while raising teenagers? Or - let me guess. You met and married young; you raised a bunch of kids as a SAHM. Those two lifestyles are not remotely comparable in terms of how much time and energy you have to invest in your health.

I wrote this. You're very young. We were married mid 30’s/early 40’s and had kids right away. Both had senior level jobs in the gov before we went to the private sector. Work is still demanding. We just never stopped being active and were mindful of what we eat. Now our kids have the same habits. We all indulge but make getting outdoors and off the couch a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry some excuses people letting themselves are really lame. Medical issues are valid no doubt. Others not so much. My husband and i are in our 50’s and pretty much the same size and level of fitness as when we met. We make it a priority and are active when we are with our kids too...hiking, swimming, biking, skiing etc together. It's all about the choices we make. If someone really lets themselves go it's most likely depression

And both of you have stressful full time jobs while raising teenagers? Or - let me guess. You met and married young; you raised a bunch of kids as a SAHM. Those two lifestyles are not remotely comparable in terms of how much time and energy you have to invest in your health.

I wrote this. You're very young. We were married mid 30’s/early 40’s and had kids right away. Both had senior level jobs in the gov before we went to the private sector. Work is still demanding. We just never stopped being active and were mindful of what we eat. Now our kids have the same habits. We all indulge but make getting outdoors and off the couch a priority.

Meant to say you're very wrong. You sound very bitter. Maybe a walk would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're no longer attracted to each other at all (for reasons of changing orientation), so there's no sex life, but there's still physical connection. I don't need to be attracted to someone to snuggle or hug. There's still that, plus masturbation. We do okay.

Do you have sex with other people?

He does. I haven't for a while. Either way my physical connection needs are met with things other than sex.

A couple of friends are in pretty much open cheating arrangements. Empty nesters, both spouses cheat politely (i.e. not in the home) but not all that discreetly, and just stay married because it’s convenient. If spouses know is it even cheating?

[Anonymous]

If women left their marriages once they stopped desiring sex from their DHs, the divorce rate would be 90% after a decade of marriage.

People stay for stability, kids, finances, social cohesion and genuine affection. Marriage and sex have always been at odds.

[Anonymous]

Stayed around because of his money and got an AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a thread several weeks maybe a couple of months ago. The husband wrote about the dilemma and iirc received pretty scrupulous advice from women lounging in the blood sniffing shark infested waters of DCUM.

I remember one where the guys said the wife gained 100lbs and he was no longer attracted to her. He had no chance on here.

[Anonymous]

I don't find bald men attractive, at all. But I get that it's life. DH's hairline is receding, and I hate it, but he's my husband and the father of my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry some excuses people letting themselves are really lame. Medical issues are valid no doubt. Others not so much. My husband and i are in our 50’s and pretty much the same size and level of fitness as when we met. We make it a priority and are active when we are with our kids too...hiking, swimming, biking, skiing etc together. It's all about the choices we make. If someone really lets themselves go it's most likely depression

Good for you. I married my husband at 29 and I'm 59 now. I am about the same weight but no way am I at the same level of fitness. It's biologically impossible. I have some knee and arm issues and generally I feel my age. I hike, swim etc but I have a late fifties body.

Unless you're Elizabeth Hurley where you have a personal trainer, custom-made clothes, somebody preparing your food, and possibly some surgery.

And note that Elizabeth hurleys career depends on her appearance. If staying hot was a requirement for my job I would look a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so if you accept you are no longer attracted to your spouse because they let themselves go, do you still have an active sex life or just coexist as friend? How to you make yourself feel ok about having sex with someone that's very obese if you're dawn to people on the thinner side?

If you’re really committed to this, you can think about how what you are drawn to is very much influenced by society. Magazine covers, commercials, TV, etc are big reasons we think thin people are more attractive. Just as curvier bodies used to be the standard of beauty. It’s not inherent. Lindy West said that she started loving and being proud of her body after she looked at pictures on the internet of beautiful fat women. I am sure all of us would find fatter bodies more sexually appealing if we saw them more (because literally anybody with some cute clothes and hair and makeup can look appealing).

That said, I’m sympathetic to your predicament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If women left their marriages once they stopped desiring sex from their DHs, the divorce rate would be 90% after a decade of marriage.

People stay for stability, kids, finances, social cohesion and genuine affection. Marriage and sex have always been at odds.

Fortunately all their husbands are out getting the sex they need elsewhere. Otherwise, like you mentioned, a 90% divorce rate.
Sexless marriage and fidelity have always been at odds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If women left their marriages once they stopped desiring sex from their DHs, the divorce rate would be 90% after a decade of marriage.

People stay for stability, kids, finances, social cohesion and genuine affection. Marriage and sex have always been at odds.

Just like love isn't enough to keep a relationship going but part of the equation, so is physical attraction in a marriage. Ever go to a party where a family is celebrating 50 years of marriage for someone and they have pictures of the couple on their wedding day and after every so often? Of course they look different - looks change, looks fade. But don't some couples stay attracted through decades?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If women left their marriages once they stopped desiring sex from their DHs, the divorce rate would be 90% after a decade of marriage.

People stay for stability, kids, finances, social cohesion and genuine affection. Marriage and sex have always been at odds.

Fortunately all their husbands are out getting the sex they need elsewhere. Otherwise, like you mentioned, a 90% divorce rate.
Sexless marriage and fidelity have always been at odds.

My dude, I have to admire your single-minded devotion to your mission. You seem to spend at least six hours per day communicating some variation of “undersexed wives inevitably force their husbands to cheat!” Your dedication and focus is admirable, but do you think perhaps you should spend that time working on your own marriage, which obviously has some… issues?