What made you stay in a marriage if you were no longer physically attracted to spouse?

[Anonymous]

Our marriage is about a lot more than physical attraction. It's mutual support and empathy, shared experiences, friendship, comfort, and affection. We understand and help each other. He's a good father. He forgives me when I mess up. He does nice things for me to make my day easier, and I try to do the same for him.

Do I wish he would lose 40 pounds? Definitely. I have tried to communicate that over the last 8 or 9 years? Yes. It did not work because the motivation has to come from him. He exercises now, which is a step in the right direction, but he eats unhealthily. This has been an unbelievably hard year and it's not the time for me to put added pressure on him about appearances, when I'm not looking my best either. I will take the lead on helping us both eat better in the new year, but care about him and want to do it without shaming or being condescending.

I am still attracted to his eyes and his smile and his legs and the way he treats me, so I focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Sorry some excuses people letting themselves are really lame. Medical issues are valid no doubt. Others not so much. My husband and i are in our 50’s and pretty much the same size and level of fitness as when we met. We make it a priority and are active when we are with our kids too...hiking, swimming, biking, skiing etc together. It's all about the choices we make. If someone really lets themselves go it's most likely depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage is about a lot more than physical attraction. It's mutual support and empathy, shared experiences, friendship, comfort, and affection. We understand and help each other. He's a good father. He forgives me when I mess up. He does nice things for me to make my day easier, and I try to do the same for him.

Do I wish he would lose 40 pounds? Definitely. I have tried to communicate that over the last 8 or 9 years? Yes. It did not work because the motivation has to come from him. He exercises now, which is a step in the right direction, but he eats unhealthily. This has been an unbelievably hard year and it's not the time for me to put added pressure on him about appearances, when I'm not looking my best either. I will take the lead on helping us both eat better in the new year, but care about him and want to do it without shaming or being condescending.

I am still attracted to his eyes and his smile and his legs and the way he treats me, so I focus on that.

Sounds like a good marriage but the 40 lbs extra is a downer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answer to this question is: vows. Also, I am a female and it doesn’t matter too much if I am attracted to him or not. The sex can still occur regardless. I guess you’re talking to men?

I’m a female and I don’t think I could have sex with my DH if he gained a lot of weight. It’s just not attractive to me. I also wouldn’t expect him to be attracted to me if I gained a lot of weight.

[Anonymous]

Finances and inertia

[Anonymous]

If it wasn’t pandemic time, i would suggest taking your spouse to a place that warrants getting dressed up for. A little extra push to make an effort can work wonders. And a pandemic that makes making an effort seem pointless has worked wonders in the opposite direction. I used to be pretty hot but now I’m kind of, well, less attractive.

[Anonymous]

One marriage that I watched break up did so after the wife lost 109 lbs. He’s finding women don’t see him as appealing as they did a decade ago.

[Anonymous]

Your lives are intertwined. My husband gained 60 pounds and drinks way too much. I just can't get excited about him, but I'm not changing the kids' lives so completely for this reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry some excuses people letting themselves are really lame. Medical issues are valid no doubt. Others not so much. My husband and i are in our 50’s and pretty much the same size and level of fitness as when we met. We make it a priority and are active when we are with our kids too...hiking, swimming, biking, skiing etc together. It's all about the choices we make. If someone really lets themselves go it's most likely depression

And both of you have stressful full time jobs while raising teenagers? Or - let me guess. You met and married young; you raised a bunch of kids as a SAHM. Those two lifestyles are not remotely comparable in terms of how much time and energy you have to invest in your health.

[Anonymous]

Upthread posters are conflating the normal aging process with abnormal unattractive weight gain. 100% of people (who don’t die) will get older. That is unavoidable. But only lazy selfish people gain a bunch of unattractive weigh. That is 100% avoidable.

[Anonymous]

Well, I thought it was normal to have to put a pillow over my face to sleep with his flabby ass. I figured sex was dead because he was mean and absent and the sex beast I was in my 20s was dead.

Au contraire. I just had to kick him out pay him off and move on with sexy men who paid attention to me- it’s amazing how not being terrified of your partner leads to amazing sex

[Anonymous]

What keeps me in the marriage? She has all the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your partner gained a significant amount of weight or generally gave up on their appearance to the point that they were unrecognizable from when you met, how do you continue to maintain a sex life or show affection and attraction?

I know that people will say they love their spouse beyond superficial appearances but realistically, some sort of physical connection must remain. How do you keep that going knowing the person you are married to doesn't look healthy or try?

OP-have you spoken to your partner about this? That might be the first thing to do. Get counseling? Be supportive of a diet or fitness program?
In my group, unhappy people stay together for the kids. I suspect some have affairs as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're no longer attracted to each other at all (for reasons of changing orientation), so there's no sex life, but there's still physical connection. I don't need to be attracted to someone to snuggle or hug. There's still that, plus masturbation. We do okay.

Back up. Did one of you come out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry some excuses people letting themselves are really lame. Medical issues are valid no doubt. Others not so much. My husband and i are in our 50’s and pretty much the same size and level of fitness as when we met. We make it a priority and are active when we are with our kids too...hiking, swimming, biking, skiing etc together. It's all about the choices we make. If someone really lets themselves go it's most likely depression

Good for you. I married my husband at 29 and I'm 59 now. I am about the same weight but no way am I at the same level of fitness. It's biologically impossible. I have some knee and arm issues and generally I feel my age. I hike, swim etc but I have a late fifties body.