Holding back advanced child for social reasons

[Anonymous]

Pp here. Sorry... not through 3rd grade. Up to 3rd grade.

[Anonymous]

Keep him in private. I thought about sending my child to a big public after years of private and then came to my senses. Def don’t hold him back AND put him with less advanced kids at the same time!

[Anonymous]

I am a middle school counselor in a public school, and I see time and time again the difficulty students who are the youngest and behind socially have. My first thought is that kids with September birthdays are rarely the oldest - that honor is for the summer babies (June, July and August) who were held back! Second, I think height has very little to do with it, as kids this age come in all shapes and sizes.

With the scores you mentioned, your child should qualify for target/gifted/advanced classes, so hopefully, boredom wouldn't be an issue. There may be some repetition, but in those instances, ask his teachers for extension activities or do a quick Google search for ideas. Also, not always, but I frequently see younger (even very bright) students struggle with the organizational expectations in middle school. Multiple teachers, notebooks, lockers, etc. can be tough to manage and require maturity.

Socially speaking, it's not just about whether or not he'll have an easier time making friends, it's also about his peers' interests and experiences. When fellow classmates are talking about dating, going through puberty, and worrying about social media, that can put a great deal of pressure on a child who is not "there" yet. That could happen even if he's the oldest, but it's more likely to happen when a child is the youngest and less socially/physically mature.

You have to also think about high school. Academics are important, but spending potentially seven years of your life feeling behind socially can take a toll.

It sounds as if you've done a great job explaining the differences in placement in his current school and public and have helped him understand this decision isn't about his intelligence or academic performance. Yea mom!

Each year I support students younger than everyone else who thrive, those older than everyone else who struggle, and students everywhere in between. There is no set answer for the hold back/move ahead question. I would encourage you to talk with the middle school, talk with his current teachers, and try to think about more than just academics when making the decision. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Are you really allowed to decide this, OP? Where I live (not DC area) grade enrollment at the time of public school entry is entirely at the discretion of the principal. "My child is small and immature" would never, never be enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has a late fall birthday and young for his current grade (5th). He currently goes to a small private school where 4-6th grade work all together and he has always been able to work at whatever level he needs. He is currently working on materials 2-3 grades above 5th grade in core subjects and tests 95-99% on standardized tests. He will stay in 6th grade at private, but then switch to public after. When he switches, I am thinking of sending him to public 6th instead of 7th. He doesn't know anyone so it won't be an issue of kids knowing he was "held back." He is small for his age and sensitive. Our public schools are underperforming and a pretty rough environment overall. I feel like he will do better socially being older instead of younger. But that would put him light years ahead of most his peer academically (our public school is below state proficiency averages). I think it may be ok though because starting in middle school, our district has an excellent and rigerous academically talented program where the qualifying kids are taking to a partnering state university for their core classes.

Has anyone held an older child back for purely social reasons even though they were academically advanced?

OP: I have not read the responses. My aunt was a pediatrician and my uncle was a teacher. They held back their younger son for first grade because he was very small and immature. Private school all the way. He ended up going to Yale. My aunt and uncle knew the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Very often kids in rough schools are more mature than their peers in less rough environments so I wouldn't assume that holding him back would make him fit in more socially.

[Anonymous]

My sister is an ES teacher. She held back her daughter with a December birthday. Her state would have let her daughter start at 4 and turn 5 in K. No way, said my experienced teacher sis. Her daughter was only in the 5th percentile for height and weight. She was tiny. She then started at 5 but was the first turn 6. Voila. Perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really allowed to decide this, OP? Where I live (not DC area) grade enrollment at the time of public school entry is entirely at the discretion of the principal. "My child is small and immature" would never, never be enough.

School counselor again - I meant to mention this, too. We follow the lead of the previous school. Whatever grade the previous school recommends will be our default placement. Parents can certainly go through the process to hold back, but it isn't just a matter of requesting. If his current school has combined classes, maybe they would work with you to recommend 6th (if that's what you decide to do).

[Anonymous]

...recommend 5th (if that's what you decide to do).

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Ignore the 5th comment. I thought I was wrong and then realized I was correct in saying 6th! Sorry!

[Anonymous]

We have a 5th grader who is gifted in aps.
Social train wreck with peers.
We found (socially) he does better with older kids and covid really enforces that. He is smaller and average/below athleticism.
We have done the worst “parenting” ever. He got really good a skateboarding is hanging with a couple 14/15 year olds on the junior nationals team/aspiring for Olympics all the time.

He started streaming on his own channel Minecraft and some fortnite. He is super competitive in both with other streamers who have millions of subscribers.

Not saying he is going to board in the Olympics or be the next ninja on YouTube or twitch; but hanging out with other over achievers keeps him in his element.


He is in the gifted program with other kids virtually but he has checked out and doing high school/calculus on line for fun and the school does not care; they cannot teach that far ahead nor help him socially in a virtual environment.

He will skip 6th and maybe do a half year of 7th if needed. School does not fit gifted kids. It is not designed for it.

[Anonymous]

I did this with 2 of my 3 kids (boy and girl) and it was the best decision I ever made....especially for the girl. They were both preemies and were both on the small side and still a bit immature when it was time to start K. I actually had my son start preK instead of K and it was fine then, and its still fine now (he's a HS senior). I didn't initally do this with my daughter. It didn't happen with her until a few years ago when she started MS...she graduated from 5th grade at one school, but I had her repeat 5th grade at another school. She felt much more comfortable and had more in common with that age group, so she did much better socially. As a matter of fact, none of the kids knew she was older because she fit in so seamlessly with them. They are both bright kids and I considered keeping them in their appropriate grades, but I felt I had to make a decision that wasn't solely based on academics. We were experts on our kids and we felt we were making the right decision, luckily, we were in an environment that supported us on this. Good luck on whatever you choose!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like to do this with my child also. She's in fifth and smart, but the very youngest in her class and still plays with dolls. It's a tough call. In your case I definitely would put him in 6th.

I know multiple 6th grade girls who still play with dolls. Your daughter sounds great.

Yes. I secretly played with mine well into 7th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep him in private. I thought about sending my child to a big public after years of private and then came to my senses. Def don’t hold him back AND put him with less advanced kids at the same time!

Yes. I don’t see any benefit to the public school. I’m not Catholic, but I’d send DC to a Catholic private in a heartbeat, over an under-performing public. Then he gets to stay with his grade. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep him in private. I thought about sending my child to a big public after years of private and then came to my senses. Def don’t hold him back AND put him with less advanced kids at the same time!

Yes. I don’t see any benefit to the public school. I’m not Catholic, but I’d send DC to a Catholic private in a heartbeat, over an under-performing public. Then he gets to stay with his grade. Problem solved.

OP here. We aren't religious at all plus I would consider the private catholic schools we have available to be very average at best.

While our public school is under preforming, it has stellar, almost separated advanced program due to proximity to other advanced education institutions and plentiful grant money.