Move family or separate the family for a year?

[Anonymous]

Youre a sahm with no kids in school. This is a no brainer-go! Your kids deserve to see their father daily. Extended family doesn’t matter as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the feedback. My heart was telling me to stay here, and when I mentioned it to DH, I could tell he was really sad about it. It would be up in Boston.
I sometimes feel like I need to take everything on, and in my head, I was thinking I can solo parent for the year. But after thinking about, it will be too much of a strain on me, the kids, and my DH.
thank you DCUM for setting me straight, being nice, and everyone agreed! Haha.

Sure you probably CAN solo parent for a year but why would you want to? Honestly think about what benefit you are seeing for your family to have your guys separated- is it just that the kids won't switch schools? This seems silly- people leave for a year all the time and come back and your kids are young and will adapt.

I would not split the family up!

[Anonymous]

This is a no-brainer. You don't have a job and your kids are in preschool. In these scenarios, you follow everything the husband does for work. THat is the SAHM structure and absolutely the best thing for your family, no question.

[Anonymous]

Really, how is this a question? I honestly feel bad for your DH that you even came up with different scenarios.

The options are:
1. The opportunity is so good, you all go to Boston for a year.
2. The opportunity is not worth the move, so DH passes and you all stay here.

[Anonymous]

I would go- key factors- SAHP and young children.

[Anonymous]

Up...north. I can't get over this. OP are you from the south? Please report from your year in Boston, I think it will be quite the culture shock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the feedback. My heart was telling me to stay here, and when I mentioned it to DH, I could tell he was really sad about it. It would be up in Boston.
I sometimes feel like I need to take everything on, and in my head, I was thinking I can solo parent for the year. But after thinking about, it will be too much of a strain on me, the kids, and my DH.
thank you DCUM for setting me straight, being nice, and everyone agreed! Haha.

We've done this where I remained in place while DH went ahead - it was a mistake, hard and sad for the family. It was also difficult for DH to re-enter full time parenting-- which caused some marital challenges later.
You definitely want to stay with your DH- it will be stressful without your system and in a small condo, but it's waaaay better for your marriage and your DH's parenting to stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, how is this a question? I honestly feel bad for your DH that you even came up with different scenarios.

The options are:
1. The opportunity is so good, you all go to Boston for a year.
2. The opportunity is not worth the move, so DH passes and you all stay here.

I was just thinking that he must be feeling really hurt that she came up with the separation plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the feedback. My heart was telling me to stay here, and when I mentioned it to DH, I could tell he was really sad about it. It would be up in Boston.
I sometimes feel like I need to take everything on, and in my head, I was thinking I can solo parent for the year. But after thinking about, it will be too much of a strain on me, the kids, and my DH.
thank you DCUM for setting me straight, being nice, and everyone agreed! Haha.

It’s that super-rare unicorn, a DCUM trifecta!

You’ll find tons of stuff to do with little kids in Boston, and there are plenty of online resources to help you navigate. Just get your kids established with a reliable babysitter as backup as soon as you’re settled, and you’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is your support system, op?

Your kids are young enough that they will probably have little to no memory of this time.

If it were me, I’d go. I didn’t get married to live separately from my husband. I also didn’t get married to single parent.

What happens should your husband decide he loves up north and wants to stay? You will be the trailing spouse which is a miserable place to be.

Even if your husband is a Boy Scout, and you are a Girl Scout, i.e. no extramarrital relations, it is very easy for you both to get used to being single in the g-rated sense of the word.

He’ll get to go out and do whatever on weekends and evenings and loose perspective of what it is like having kids and a wife.

You’ll loose perspective of what it’s like having a husband around.
Your husband will probably really miss his kids even if he isn’t a kid person. It happened to my dad when my parents did something similar. It’s been over 40 years since my parents made a move similar to yours and to this day my dad says “I wish I’d told my boss to wait until your mom finnished her year with the school system so we could all go together”.

As for visiting, it won’t happen as much as you think. Trains and planes get delayed or canceled. If you or he drives, expect a couple car wrecks, driving while tired because one of you feels they “have to get back” driving in conditions that you don’t normally encounter, things like that.

I’m not sold on the mindset of “this is the only career option” unless your husband does very specific tasks. Maybe he does. Most people don’t.
I’d rent out your current place (or let it sit empty) and be with your husband. Normally I think being a landlord is the worst thing a person can do, but in your case it makes some sense.

You’d get to experience something that seems to be really important to you guys, and if you do want to come back, you’ll have a house. Keeping a house doesn’t mean you have to go back, or that you have to live there, it just means that you can in a way that isn’t possible when you sell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the feedback. My heart was telling me to stay here, and when I mentioned it to DH, I could tell he was really sad about it. It would be up in Boston.
I sometimes feel like I need to take everything on, and in my head, I was thinking I can solo parent for the year. But after thinking about, it will be too much of a strain on me, the kids, and my DH.
thank you DCUM for setting me straight, being nice, and everyone agreed! Haha.

Boston is a great place for young kids. So many things to do. You can do the travel you were planning to see DH (although probably not every 3 weeks) to see your family and friends back home.

Go for it! Enjoy your new adventure.

[Anonymous]

Wild guess that DH is a fed with a chance to do a 1yr fellowship at Harvard, but OP didn’t want to bias our responses by giving a location or reason.

I’ve know multiple families who did this. No brained with a SAH spouse and small kids. Your DH may even have more free time there than he currently does, which could improve his ability to be support system, ie appropriately parent your kids.

[Anonymous]

No brainer. You are a SAHM with young kids. Of course you go with DH. My answer may be different if you had a job.

[Anonymous]

People move to new places all the time. Do it OP! You might just like it better than here. I feel with young kids, it's easy to make friends with other parents. And Boston isn't far away at all, you could still make a trip or two to meet with family here. As for your place, sell some stuff, put some in storage, and rent the place.

[Anonymous]

Go and plan to make regular trips (even if he can't always join you) back here so you can maintain relationships here for the kids and get a break for yourself. It will be easier for you to take trips with the kids back to your support system than to take extended trips up to him with no infrastructure there for the little ones.