Move family or separate the family for a year?

[Anonymous]

Go OP.

[Anonymous]

Keeping the family together clearly seems better for your husband and the kids. And honestly I bet it's probably better for you, too-- hard to picture how amazing your support system is that it would cancel out the strain of being effectively a single parent to a 3 and 1 year old (unless your husband is a ridiculously uninvolved dad, in which case, please try to solve that problem directly rather than keeping him and the kids apart for the better part of a year which will only make things worse.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM, no question go. A year is a long time. Kids need their dad and so do you.

This
What a crazy question OP has.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t even a question. You go!

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to expand your horizons. Go.

[Anonymous]

What does "up North" mean? The wilderness in Canada? Like a remote cabin? Or Boston?

You should all be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM, no question go. A year is a long time. Kids need their dad and so do you.

This
What a crazy question OP has.

+1000. And I am a long time SAHM. This would not even have been a question for me.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar position a few years ago, and I stayed where I was for the year. I was the breadwinner for our family though at the time, and that definitely influenced my decision.

I understand what you are saying about your support network though, OP. I had a group of four women that I met with weekly for a playgroup for about four years. My aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents lived nearby, and my parents lived about 100 miles away and came up once or twice a month. My aunt hosted a dinner at her house every Sunday, and we went along with my cousins.
My mom's cousin was my nanny. Her own children were in college, and she had helped me raise my children from birth.

Meanwhile, DH was going to be working 60-80 hours/wk, and was going to be studying most of the rest of the time.

It was a difficult year, but I'm not sure it would have been easier if we had moved. We did end up moving to a third place at the end of that year, and the transition was really difficult for me. It's been a few years, and I still miss my friends and family. It's hard to just rely on one person.

[Anonymous]

Well, for a while there I thought he was moving North of the Wall!

[Anonymous]

how is this even a question? you go with him.

if your support network here is better than your husband, he needs to step up and be a better dad and husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has the opportunity to work and train up north for a year, starting in the summer of 2021. We have decided it would be the best decision for him and his career to take this. However, we have two small children, our kids will be 3 and 18 months at that time. We are trying to figure out the move with the kids and what would be best for the kids and also my self.

Option 1: the whole family moves up north, we rent a small condo and put the other stuff in storage.
Pros: the entire family is together
Cons: my support system is where we currently live and we know no one in the new town.

Option 2: I stay with the kids in our current location and my husband geo Bach’s, we would take the train or drive to see him every few weeks and he would fly to see us every few weeks.
Pros: my entire support system is here.
Cons: the family is separated.

Other factors:
We could afford for him to get a second small apartment up north. (I am a SAHM)
our oldest would be staring preschool next fall as well.
The job/training is only for a year, so we could end up back in our current area, or up north, or out west after the job ends.

Where is "up north"I would keep the family together. How much support do you really need? You can do it with your husband for one year, can't you? Rent your house out or if you can afford it hire someone to take care of maintenance and then come back when the year is finished. DC 1 can start preschool anywhere.

We are missing an third option? What would you do?

I know it’s a while away, but we are just trying to figure out how it will look for the family.

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For a year I wouldn't separate the family. Think of how much your dh will miss the kids and them growing up! Lots of things happen month to month. Surely you can handle one year without your family support? Dfo you live in the dc area and what area are you referring to when you say "up north?"

I mean... ages 2-3 are pretty terrible... I'm not sure I would have missed skipping that time. I'm awfully surprised the OP would be OK doing it alone, though.

[Anonymous]

I would totally go live in another City for a year if I didn’t have to work. Great way to experience a different part of the country. Go with him.

[Anonymous]

Ok, unlike, most of DCUM, I usually fall on the side of supporting separating the family for short-term career moves like you describe (I myself - mom - travel M-Th every week during non-covid times). HOWEVER, there are usually other factors at play that make a move impractical - your job, kids in school, international move, etc.

Based on what you describe, there is no reason you should not go with DH - do you dislike your husband / other issues in marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With kids in school, it might be a tougher choice for me, with young kids and if you don't have to worry about work, I would definitely prioritize being together. From personal experience, separation can be really hard on marriages.

This. You can do preschool anywhere. I have several friends who have spent a year or so apart due to work and it hurt all of their marriages. With kids those ages, I wouldn't want to be away from my spouse that much, and who knows what flying will look like even in summer 2021. I would just suck it up, call it an adventure, and all go together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar position a few years ago, and I stayed where I was for the year. I was the breadwinner for our family though at the time, and that definitely influenced my decision.

I understand what you are saying about your support network though, OP. I had a group of four women that I met with weekly for a playgroup for about four years. My aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents lived nearby, and my parents lived about 100 miles away and came up once or twice a month. My aunt hosted a dinner at her house every Sunday, and we went along with my cousins.
My mom's cousin was my nanny. Her own children were in college, and she had helped me raise my children from birth.

Meanwhile, DH was going to be working 60-80 hours/wk, and was going to be studying most of the rest of the time.

It was a difficult year, but I'm not sure it would have been easier if we had moved. We did end up moving to a third place at the end of that year, and the transition was really difficult for me. It's been a few years, and I still miss my friends and family. It's hard to just rely on one person.

Not the same situation if you were the breadwinner at all...