Husband says I’m bossing him around. Help?

[Anonymous]

Wow you put up with a lot more than I would. He sounds like my 10 year old son *if* I would let him get away with it--but I do tell my 10 year old, clear your plate, put in the dishwasher, clean up your mess, etc. I do it so that when he is an adult, he does it himself and does not expect someone else to do it. It takes me longer and is more effort in the short run to teach the kids to do things for themselve but pays off later.

If my dh told me he was sick of me "bossing him around" when I asked him to (barely) pull his weight, I'd tell him he was free to leave and live on his own and answer to no one but himself but I that I signed up for an equal partnership, not servitude.

and yeah, no more dinner for him.


and fwiw my DH is decent about doing his share but after the third or 4th time he criticized how I was folding his shirts, I came up with a brilliant solution: he can do his own damn laundry. When he grumbles now that he has no clean clothes (and has filled up two hampers) I merely make a noncommittal hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn’t do simple things around the house and for himself and then claims I’m bossing him around? For example, I’ll cook dinner and serve it. He gets up from the table and goes to play video games. I ask him “hey do you mind putting your plate in the sink?” And he gets huffy with me. Another time is when I’m in bed already, he’s in the living room watching tv and gets up to come to bed. When he comes in the room, he’s getting under the covers and I said “honey, are you going to turn the tv off?” He gets huffy again and says “I’m sick of you bossing me around”.

Same response when I told him he had food on his face and to wipe his left cheek.


Generally I have a pleasant demeanor and am not accusatory or anything. What do you do to not come across bossy?

F that. This is not about you, it's HIS problem.

Him: "I'm sick of you bossing me around."

You: "Then take some goddamn responsibility and take care of your own $h!t without having to be told."

That’s such a terrible unhealthy dynamic. Why get married just to bicker like that?

No, what they're doing now is bickering. And being a doormat is hardly a healthy dynamic. OP needs to firmly say what she means and shut this nonsense down.

Yeah, this is his problem and it sounds like something he needs to work through. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Shut it down firmly.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have kids with him. Do you want kids in the future? If so, cut your losses, divorce now, and find someone more mature (who doesn’t play video games).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he had some issues with his mother and has displaced anger towards you about it.

Not that complicated. He's just a jerk. I left my husband that was like this!

[Anonymous]

A narcissist will gas light you, a typical way of doing this is simple gestures to annoy you and to make a big deal out of nothing, how can you get mad about shutting off the TV or putting away a dish or allowing someone to wipe your face their just showing their compassion right??? Wrong they do this at a time and a manner to where they know it will annoy and bother you so when you get mad you dout yourself and it'll make you feel like your doing something wrong. If you have a partner that seems to enjoy your suffering or getting you upset then your not crazy they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to change. He does. He is not allowed to to pissy with you about putting a plate in the sink on his way to play video games. He is a man child. Do not have children with him. If you already have children with him, seek therapy for both of you, or at least you of he won't go.

+1

Hard to say why he has such lousy habits and capabilities, but him doubling down on that with his prick responses won’t end well.

He needs professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of us have the incompetent spouse problem. You have to decide what’s important to you and do it yourself. Have a calm conversation about division of labor and then stick to it. Don’t do his part. Let the dishes pile up, etc. Then when it impacts you that he hasn’t done his part, explain why it sucks, eg “I want to cook dinner and I can’t because the dishes aren’t done and it is making me angry.” “I don’t want to clear your plate for you because it makes me resentful.” “I can’t sleep because you left the tv on.”

Try to explain why it is bothering you instead of talking to him like he’s a particularly stupid child, even though he is acting like a particularly stupid child. You have to still talk to him like an adult and that means explaining your feelings instead of appealing to some theoretically shared standard for household behavior.

Lol

What about his described behavior makes you think any of the above will not result in a lashing out by him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After our first child was born, my husband went through a phase where he said “I feel like I work for you, and my boss is always annoyed with me.” I told him, as nicely as I could, that if he actually did his job (ie participated fully in parenting instead of sullenly acting like I imposed this child on his sweet bachelor lifestyle), his “boss” would cool it and we’d all get along better.

For real, men who accuse women of nagging are just using the trope of the nagging wife to escape doing their fair share. It’s one of a thousand tools in the “getting out of doing stuff” patriarchy toolkit. Some of the others:

-Just being weirdly bad at cleaning and other household tasks
-Saying they’ll do something and then procrastinating/forgetting until someone else does it
-Disappearing! There’s a dirty diaper and then *poof* where did he go?

As children, women are taught to take care of people and smooth out their emotions for others. Men are taught to do this. My husband is a good guy but he will still lean on this shit to escape doing things because it’s been working for dudes forever.

I resolve it by bringing it up, clearly outlining how it is childish and irresponsible behavior for a full grown adult, and then saying I won’t put up with it. I’m not going to say “don’t let him get away with it!” because I hate when women tell other women that the answer to misogyny is for women to work harder/do better. But I will say that you deserve better, your husband is being a tool, and he needs to be reminded regularly that you aren’t his mother or his maid. In fact, I have a saying I use often with everyone in my family: “Not the maid!” I don’t even ask them to do stuff, I just loudly announce I’m not the maid and they know by now that means they need to look around and figure out what they can do to clean up, then do it.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t have kids with him. Do you want kids in the future? If so, cut your losses, divorce now, and find someone more mature (who doesn’t play video games).

This.

My deepest regret was having kids with someone who hit a wall and cannot adult to take care of anyone or anything.

[Anonymous]

OP - are you there? What do think of the advice you’ve gotten?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you there? What do think of the advice you’ve gotten?

This post was from 2020.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn’t do simple things around the house and for himself and then claims I’m bossing him around? For example, I’ll cook dinner and serve it. He gets up from the table and goes to play video games. I ask him “hey do you mind putting your plate in the sink?” And he gets huffy with me. Another time is when I’m in bed already, he’s in the living room watching tv and gets up to come to bed. When he comes in the room, he’s getting under the covers and I said “honey, are you going to turn the tv off?” He gets huffy again and says “I’m sick of you bossing me around”.

Same response when I told him he had food on his face and to wipe his left cheek.


Generally I have a pleasant demeanor and am not accusatory or anything. What do you do to not come across bossy?

What we intend and how we are perceived are often different things. Your tone and demeanor may not be as “pleasant” as you believe. Also, even though he should clean up after himself or turn off the TV, you are infantilizing him when you direct him to do these things — and they do come across as directives, hence the bossing around complaint. The problem is the more you do it, the more he is likely to dig in.

It also sets up a dynamic where you behave like you are in charge of the household and he is subservient to you. When it’s widely understood that the man is in charge of the house. Next time maybe just clear his place and turn off the TV for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I’m not trying to boss you around. But we all have to be courteous and clean up after ourselves in the household. Plus it sets a good example for the kids. We all contribute. What’s a better way to approach this?”

Ugh, no with the DCUM scripts. They are so painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn’t do simple things around the house and for himself and then claims I’m bossing him around? For example, I’ll cook dinner and serve it. He gets up from the table and goes to play video games. I ask him “hey do you mind putting your plate in the sink?” And he gets huffy with me. Another time is when I’m in bed already, he’s in the living room watching tv and gets up to come to bed. When he comes in the room, he’s getting under the covers and I said “honey, are you going to turn the tv off?” He gets huffy again and says “I’m sick of you bossing me around”.

Same response when I told him he had food on his face and to wipe his left cheek.


Generally I have a pleasant demeanor and am not accusatory or anything. What do you do to not come across bossy?

What we intend and how we are perceived are often different things. Your tone and demeanor may not be as “pleasant” as you believe. Also, even though he should clean up after himself or turn off the TV, you are infantilizing him when you direct him to do these things — and they do come across as directives, hence the bossing around complaint. The problem is the more you do it, the more he is likely to dig in.

It also sets up a dynamic where you behave like you are in charge of the household and he is subservient to you. When it’s widely understood that the man is in charge of the house. Next time maybe just clear his place and turn off the TV for him?

Dude, he infantiles himself.

He should live in a shack, not a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you there? What do think of the advice you’ve gotten?

This post was from 2020.