Husband says I’m bossing him around. Help?

[Anonymous]

My husband doesn’t do simple things around the house and for himself and then claims I’m bossing him around? For example, I’ll cook dinner and serve it. He gets up from the table and goes to play video games. I ask him “hey do you mind putting your plate in the sink?” And he gets huffy with me. Another time is when I’m in bed already, he’s in the living room watching tv and gets up to come to bed. When he comes in the room, he’s getting under the covers and I said “honey, are you going to turn the tv off?” He gets huffy again and says “I’m sick of you bossing me around”.

Same response when I told him he had food on his face and to wipe his left cheek.


Generally I have a pleasant demeanor and am not accusatory or anything. What do you do to not come across bossy?

[Anonymous]

You don't need to change. He does. He is not allowed to to pissy with you about putting a plate in the sink on his way to play video games. He is a man child. Do not have children with him. If you already have children with him, seek therapy for both of you, or at least you of he won't go.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he had some issues with his mother and has displaced anger towards you about it.

[Anonymous]

A lot of us have the incompetent spouse problem. You have to decide what’s important to you and do it yourself. Have a calm conversation about division of labor and then stick to it. Don’t do his part. Let the dishes pile up, etc. Then when it impacts you that he hasn’t done his part, explain why it sucks, eg “I want to cook dinner and I can’t because the dishes aren’t done and it is making me angry.” “I don’t want to clear your plate for you because it makes me resentful.” “I can’t sleep because you left the tv on.”

Try to explain why it is bothering you instead of talking to him like he’s a particularly stupid child, even though he is acting like a particularly stupid child. You have to still talk to him like an adult and that means explaining your feelings instead of appealing to some theoretically shared standard for household behavior.

[Anonymous]

“I’m not trying to boss you around. But we all have to be courteous and clean up after ourselves in the household. Plus it sets a good example for the kids. We all contribute. What’s a better way to approach this?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I’m not trying to boss you around. But we all have to be courteous and clean up after ourselves in the household. Plus it sets a good example for the kids. We all contribute. What’s a better way to approach this?”

This. Have a conversation with him asking how he would you approach this. If he responds with “So what if I leave my plate at the table?” I’d reply with “So your expectation is that in addition to cooking a meal for you, I’m here to clean up after you so that you can get to a video game. Is that it?”

[Anonymous]

Oh my god.. how old is he? Sounds like he's 19.

Don't have kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Yikes he sounds terrible. This isn’t going to get better unless you do marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a child. Do not have kids with him!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Stop doing things for him. Wait and see if he asks.

[Anonymous]

Food on his cheek doesn't affect you - if he has a negative reaction to your letting him know about it, don't tell him going forward.

Ditto PP's on how to handle the other comments which you have every right to address without his snappiness.

[Anonymous]

He is a lazy bastard and acts like a victim? Just no. I would smash every single plate on the floor that he leaves dirty.

[Anonymous]

Leave the plate on the table and let it get crusty. Next day, don’t cook for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god.. how old is he? Sounds like he's 19.

Don't have kids with him.

+1!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I’m not trying to boss you around. But we all have to be courteous and clean up after ourselves in the household. Plus it sets a good example for the kids. We all contribute. What’s a better way to approach this?”

This. Have a conversation with him asking how he would you approach this. If he responds with “So what if I leave my plate at the table?” I’d reply with “So your expectation is that in addition to cooking a meal for you, I’m here to clean up after you so that you can get to a video game. Is that it?”

I would turn this around slightly and talk about how it makes you feel unappreciated. That way it's not accusatory or condescending. The "how would you handle it" question is a little too indirect for me and maybe even slightly passive aggressive.