Why does my MIL stare....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's trying to make sure you're understanding things being said the way her family member who she knows better than you do, means them. Maybe you're pretty and she just zones out.

Whatever. I don't know why people are saying you have to embarrass her - just smile at her when you catch her eye and otherwise ignore it.

+1 WTF

+2 WTF

+3 This is not a real problem. You publicly embarrassing her would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL does this, too. She also once told me she envied me because I had a pretty sling carrier for when my daughter was a baby and "you always have beautiful things." It made me feel a little sad because I know it comes from a place of feeling less than (which she shouldn't!).

I think one reason the MIL relationship is often fraught is that MILs are often going through a challenging time in their lives (menopause, aging, losing friends and family and spouses, dealing with their own health issues) and they may look at their DIL as a reminder of everything they wish they had or feel like they've lost. Now, that's not really fair to a DIL, but it's also a pretty understandable attitude.

Anyway, I just assume my MIL is staring at me because she's working through those feelings. I try to be nice to her but also maintain my own boundaries. It's a bit of a dance at times. But I do think I'm doing better with the empathy thing since my FIL passed away. Anyway, sorry OP -- being stared at is not fun and I wish your MIL would stop. But I doubt it's malicious. And I guarantee it's much more about her than you.

LOL, your MIL's probably staring at you because she's hoping she didn't act like you when she was younger. I'm not a MIL or old enough to be a MIL, but sometimes, I can't believe the young women I encounter and cringe that I may have been so tone deaf in my younger years.

BTW, please don't pretend that you have empathy when it's really pity.

PP here. I don’t pity my MIL but I do pity you. Projecting much?

Like I said, your MIL's watching you and is horrified, but you keep telling yourself it's because she's jealous and working through her feelings, lol. If you ever develop any self-awareness and maturity, you'll be horrified at yourself, too. But, I'm doubting that will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL does this, too. She also once told me she envied me because I had a pretty sling carrier for when my daughter was a baby and "you always have beautiful things." It made me feel a little sad because I know it comes from a place of feeling less than (which she shouldn't!).

I think one reason the MIL relationship is often fraught is that MILs are often going through a challenging time in their lives (menopause, aging, losing friends and family and spouses, dealing with their own health issues) and they may look at their DIL as a reminder of everything they wish they had or feel like they've lost. Now, that's not really fair to a DIL, but it's also a pretty understandable attitude.

Anyway, I just assume my MIL is staring at me because she's working through those feelings. I try to be nice to her but also maintain my own boundaries. It's a bit of a dance at times. But I do think I'm doing better with the empathy thing since my FIL passed away. Anyway, sorry OP -- being stared at is not fun and I wish your MIL would stop. But I doubt it's malicious. And I guarantee it's much more about her than you.

LOL, your MIL's probably staring at you because she's hoping she didn't act like you when she was younger. I'm not a MIL or old enough to be a MIL, but sometimes, I can't believe the young women I encounter and cringe that I may have been so tone deaf in my younger years.

BTW, please don't pretend that you have empathy when it's really pity.

PP here. I don’t pity my MIL but I do pity you. Projecting much?

Like I said, your MIL's watching you and is horrified, but you keep telling yourself it's because she's jealous and working through her feelings, lol. If you ever develop any self-awareness and maturity, you'll be horrified at yourself, too. But, I'm doubting that will happen.

NP: Uh no these women are not doing anything that is horrible, they are simply being themselves. What the original poster wrote about conflicting feelings can often be true. My MIL acted out a lot throughout menopause, she did really inappropriate things such as staring, lying, causing trouble. She had no handbrake and no self control. Luckily now that menopause is over she is half normal but still not nice, menopause just brought it all out. Maturity is understanding that, empathy is asking what is going on in someone else's life for them to act that way.

OP it would be really uncomfortable. I'm sure MIL is having many thoughts about you during the time she is staring at you, I'm not sure they would be all nice. You are probably lucky she hasn't yet unleashed on you all her thoughts. One day that may happen.

I would maybe do what some other posters have said and ask her "Is there something you wanted to ask me" or "Oh sorry did you say something". Call her out or if you don't want to do that change the seating arrangements so she is next to you or diagonal you. Perhaps she feels the two of you should be talking however as you say there is conversation which you join in.

[Anonymous]

Is she from another culture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

Ok, so I have done this a couple times too. Those times, she just kind of shakes her head, and I get the sense she really wants to say something and then thinks better of it.

On reflection, there have been many times that she does this wild intense stare that goes on way too long, and then finally she says something CRAZY. I'm not sure that's what the other thing is because we are just sitting there listening to dinner conversation. I honestly have no idea.

It sounds like she’s zoning out as she battles her inner demons about whether or not to say the crazy thing she’s thinking about.

Op, what crazy things does she say?

Pp is totally describing my long time friend who does have a personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Most of the time she functions ok, and actually has decent insight and checks her behaviors. I have totally caught her staring at me, and when I say "what? Why are you staring at me?" She'll start to say something, then stop, then start, then say nevermind, then say something like "It's just, you look so much like Lisa Simpson, but if I said that to you, you'd be offended. You are very pretty! But you look like Lisa Simpson sometimes and I love it and I love you! Hahaha, seriously, no offense, I was just thinking about that but I couldn't say it to you." (That's one example).

I've watched her do this many times to people, and pp you described it perfectly!

[Anonymous]

I think she knows she is off and is looking for cues on how to act like a normal human. But I think you should start doing a triple take and a startle and asking her what's up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

Ok, so I have done this a couple times too. Those times, she just kind of shakes her head, and I get the sense she really wants to say something and then thinks better of it.

On reflection, there have been many times that she does this wild intense stare that goes on way too long, and then finally she says something CRAZY. I'm not sure that's what the other thing is because we are just sitting there listening to dinner conversation. I honestly have no idea.

It sounds like she’s zoning out as she battles her inner demons about whether or not to say the crazy thing she’s thinking about.

Op, what crazy things does she say?

Pp is totally describing my long time friend who does have a personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Most of the time she functions ok, and actually has decent insight and checks her behaviors. I have totally caught her staring at me, and when I say "what? Why are you staring at me?" She'll start to say something, then stop, then start, then say nevermind, then say something like "It's just, you look so much like Lisa Simpson, but if I said that to you, you'd be offended. You are very pretty! But you look like Lisa Simpson sometimes and I love it and I love you! Hahaha, seriously, no offense, I was just thinking about that but I couldn't say it to you." (That's one example).

I've watched her do this many times to people, and pp you described it perfectly!

That's kooky but endearing.

The stuff my MIL has said after some of her crazy stares are things like how she had a dream that our baby would die. Or after her daughter was released from the ED clinic and on her way to recovery, she'd whisper to me within earshot of her daughter about her dream that she became morbidly obese and ill and covered in bruises and hospitalized. Or she'd tearfully tell me how my FIL hasn't been intimate with her. Things she really should keep to herself and inappropriate to share. Thats why I mostly ignore - the times my husband or I have responded to her stares by asking her what's up - that's the kind of stuff we get - and then a whole emotionally dramatic display, with tears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

Ok, so I have done this a couple times too. Those times, she just kind of shakes her head, and I get the sense she really wants to say something and then thinks better of it.

On reflection, there have been many times that she does this wild intense stare that goes on way too long, and then finally she says something CRAZY. I'm not sure that's what the other thing is because we are just sitting there listening to dinner conversation. I honestly have no idea.

It sounds like she’s zoning out as she battles her inner demons about whether or not to say the crazy thing she’s thinking about.

Op, what crazy things does she say?

Pp is totally describing my long time friend who does have a personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Most of the time she functions ok, and actually has decent insight and checks her behaviors. I have totally caught her staring at me, and when I say "what? Why are you staring at me?" She'll start to say something, then stop, then start, then say nevermind, then say something like "It's just, you look so much like Lisa Simpson, but if I said that to you, you'd be offended. You are very pretty! But you look like Lisa Simpson sometimes and I love it and I love you! Hahaha, seriously, no offense, I was just thinking about that but I couldn't say it to you." (That's one example).

I've watched her do this many times to people, and pp you described it perfectly!

That's kooky but endearing.

The stuff my MIL has said after some of her crazy stares are things like how she had a dream that our baby would die. Or after her daughter was released from the ED clinic and on her way to recovery, she'd whisper to me within earshot of her daughter about her dream that she became morbidly obese and ill and covered in bruises and hospitalized. Or she'd tearfully tell me how my FIL hasn't been intimate with her. Things she really should keep to herself and inappropriate to share. Thats why I mostly ignore - the times my husband or I have responded to her stares by asking her what's up - that's the kind of stuff we get - and then a whole emotionally dramatic display, with tears.

But to clarify, I think the thing she does at the dinner table is different. I'm not even talking to her or looking at her - I'm listening to the person talking and then I catch her staring at me.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she’s....wait for it....an INTROVERT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s....wait for it....an INTROVERT!

I know you’re joking, but she’s the extreme opposite. Social, garrulous, charming, and often needs to be and is the center of attention. She has natural social skills.
Hmmm....In fact maybe it could be she’s just very uncomfortable with topics she is uninterested in and maybe feels left out and is trying to engage with me but I’m fixed on the table topic instead. That would make sense. Maybe she feels ignored when they get into these intellectual discussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s....wait for it....an INTROVERT!

I'm an introvert. So is my dad. So are my siblings. So are many of my friends.

We don't stare at people! "Introvert" does not mean "socially awkward and creepy."

[Anonymous]

You are so beautiful that she can't tak her eyes off you?

[Anonymous]

Is she from another culture where staring is acceptable ? In some cultures staring isn’t as rude as it is in America.

[Anonymous]

My mother does this work the me a lot. I think it’s because my mother thinks people always need to be talking. So if I’m paying attention to a conversation and not participating, she will stare at me trying to figure out what’s wrong, I.e why I am not talking. She had severe anxiety.

[Anonymous]

If she carries a banana around then it's because she thinks you look like.a monkey and wants to feed you.