Why does my MIL stare....

[Anonymous]

Need insight on a particular quirk. My MIL does this thing where she stares at me while I'm listening to other people are talking. Has gone on for as long as I've been married to her son. So if I'm listening at the dinner table to DH and FIL talking, I'll glance over at MIL and she will be just staring at me, watching me. It freaks me out!

My question - anyone have any insight as to why she's doing it? Trying to talk to me with her eyes? And second question - how should I react? So far, I've mostly just ignored. A couple times, for kicks, I just stared back at her to make it super awkward.

As a background, this is just the tip of the iceberg, she also never means what she says and says what she means. Everything is coded. She has a personality disorder that has gotten less intense with age, but I don't know which one. I've needed to set some firm boundaries with her, otherwise it can go very bad very quickly.

[Anonymous]

How should we know? Ask your husband if he's ever noticed this.

Also, if she has eye issues like strabismus, it can make it seem like she's looking at you when she is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How should we know? Ask your husband if he's ever noticed this.

Also, if she has eye issues like strabismus, it can make it seem like she's looking at you when she is not.

I asked him - he says "yeah it's just something she does"

[Anonymous]

"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

Ok, so I have done this a couple times too. Those times, she just kind of shakes her head, and I get the sense she really wants to say something and then thinks better of it.

On reflection, there have been many times that she does this wild intense stare that goes on way too long, and then finally she says something CRAZY. I'm not sure that's what the other thing is because we are just sitting there listening to dinner conversation. I honestly have no idea.

[Anonymous]

1. she can't believe her incredible son is married to you
2. she can't believe her incredible son is having sex with you
3. she thinks you are HOT and imagining you in bed with her son
4. she thinks you are HOT and imagining her having sex with you
5. you have something on your face but she doesn't want to point out

PICK ONE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

Ok, so I have done this a couple times too. Those times, she just kind of shakes her head, and I get the sense she really wants to say something and then thinks better of it.

On reflection, there have been many times that she does this wild intense stare that goes on way too long, and then finally she says something CRAZY. I'm not sure that's what the other thing is because we are just sitting there listening to dinner conversation. I honestly have no idea.

It sounds like she’s zoning out as she battles her inner demons about whether or not to say the crazy thing she’s thinking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

Ok, so I have done this a couple times too. Those times, she just kind of shakes her head, and I get the sense she really wants to say something and then thinks better of it.

On reflection, there have been many times that she does this wild intense stare that goes on way too long, and then finally she says something CRAZY. I'm not sure that's what the other thing is because we are just sitting there listening to dinner conversation. I honestly have no idea.

"It seems like you want to say something, Mary. Anything I can help you with?"

Do this out loud, in front of others. Call her out. Calm, subtle...but call her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

Ok, so I have done this a couple times too. Those times, she just kind of shakes her head, and I get the sense she really wants to say something and then thinks better of it.

On reflection, there have been many times that she does this wild intense stare that goes on way too long, and then finally she says something CRAZY. I'm not sure that's what the other thing is because we are just sitting there listening to dinner conversation. I honestly have no idea.

It sounds like she’s zoning out as she battles her inner demons about whether or not to say the crazy thing she’s thinking about.

But that doesn't really make sense in this context. We're all just listening to a discussion - there's nothing else going on. It's just the usual discussion about politics or the economy or the state of healthcare or whatever. Nothing emotionally charged or triggering.

[Anonymous]

This is a weird habit. Are you part of the conversation? Maybe she thinks it is a conversation between 2 people and you are eavesdropping or something?! I would call her out as PP’s suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird habit. Are you part of the conversation? Maybe she thinks it is a conversation between 2 people and you are eavesdropping or something?! I would call her out as PP’s suggested.

For example, all four of us are at the dinner table and they are just talking about whatever topic. I might sometimes make a comment to add, but I spend more time listening rather than talking. Not eavesdropping - it's not a private conversation.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does this, too. She also once told me she envied me because I had a pretty sling carrier for when my daughter was a baby and "you always have beautiful things." It made me feel a little sad because I know it comes from a place of feeling less than (which she shouldn't!).

I think one reason the MIL relationship is often fraught is that MILs are often going through a challenging time in their lives (menopause, aging, losing friends and family and spouses, dealing with their own health issues) and they may look at their DIL as a reminder of everything they wish they had or feel like they've lost. Now, that's not really fair to a DIL, but it's also a pretty understandable attitude.

Anyway, I just assume my MIL is staring at me because she's working through those feelings. I try to be nice to her but also maintain my own boundaries. It's a bit of a dance at times. But I do think I'm doing better with the empathy thing since my FIL passed away. Anyway, sorry OP -- being stared at is not fun and I wish your MIL would stop. But I doubt it's malicious. And I guarantee it's much more about her than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

Ok, so I have done this a couple times too. Those times, she just kind of shakes her head, and I get the sense she really wants to say something and then thinks better of it.

On reflection, there have been many times that she does this wild intense stare that goes on way too long, and then finally she says something CRAZY. I'm not sure that's what the other thing is because we are just sitting there listening to dinner conversation. I honestly have no idea.

"It seems like you want to say something, Mary. Anything I can help you with?"

Do this out loud, in front of others. Call her out. Calm, subtle...but call her out.

Ok thanks. I'm going to try this out more consistently and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL does this, too. She also once told me she envied me because I had a pretty sling carrier for when my daughter was a baby and "you always have beautiful things." It made me feel a little sad because I know it comes from a place of feeling less than (which she shouldn't!).

I think one reason the MIL relationship is often fraught is that MILs are often going through a challenging time in their lives (menopause, aging, losing friends and family and spouses, dealing with their own health issues) and they may look at their DIL as a reminder of everything they wish they had or feel like they've lost. Now, that's not really fair to a DIL, but it's also a pretty understandable attitude.

Anyway, I just assume my MIL is staring at me because she's working through those feelings. I try to be nice to her but also maintain my own boundaries. It's a bit of a dance at times. But I do think I'm doing better with the empathy thing since my FIL passed away. Anyway, sorry OP -- being stared at is not fun and I wish your MIL would stop. But I doubt it's malicious. And I guarantee it's much more about her than you.

I feel this is true with my own mother. It also makes me sad because I seem to be a source of reflection and sadness for her, especially since my father passed.

[Anonymous]

My mom stares at people because she has poor social skills. If it bothers you, you could try low key feedback, like glancing over , smiling, and saying "Yes, Mary? You're staring at me."

But if you can ignore it and you already know she has mental health issues that cause her to be emotionally aggressive, I would try ignoring.