Why does my MIL stare....

[Anonymous]

OP, please ignore all of these suggestions to “call her out” every time. Dear god, for what purpose? Why make it an issue? Why try to embarrass her? Why be aggressive? Just ignore it. It’s some weird quirk of hers. People are weird. Try to be kind and shrug it off.

[Anonymous]

My own mother would state at me all the time to find anything wrong she could criticize me for later.

She sounds like an anxious person with additional personality problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she from another culture where staring is acceptable ? In some cultures staring isn’t as rude as it is in America.

No, she's not from another culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother does this work the me a lot. I think it’s because my mother thinks people always need to be talking. So if I’m paying attention to a conversation and not participating, she will stare at me trying to figure out what’s wrong, I.e why I am not talking. She had severe anxiety.

AH!! OP here and this is a strong possibility, one I hadn't thought of. In the past, I've often found out that after a get-together, she has talked to others about how I was upset or that DH and I were on the brink of divorce or some other nonsense out of left field, after what I thought was a perfectly lovely get-together.

I forgot to make clear in my post that the weird part of her staring at me is that when I look her way, she does not stop staring. She continues. Super freaky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore all of these suggestions to “call her out” every time. Dear god, for what purpose? Why make it an issue? Why try to embarrass her? Why be aggressive? Just ignore it. It’s some weird quirk of hers. People are weird. Try to be kind and shrug it off.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Mary,miss there something on my face? You're staring at me."

"Oh, Mary, you're staring at me again. Is there lipstick on my teeth?"

"Mary, you're staring at me again! Is something wrong?"

Stay low-toned, but call it out,Mach and every time.

Ugh, that's just as weird and awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore all of these suggestions to “call her out” every time. Dear god, for what purpose? Why make it an issue? Why try to embarrass her? Why be aggressive? Just ignore it. It’s some weird quirk of hers. People are weird. Try to be kind and shrug it off.

Agree

+100

[Anonymous]

Is she really staring at you or has she checked out and gone somewhere else in her head? She may be looking your way and then the overactive imagination story line starts forming in her mind. She is unwell. You know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she really staring at you or has she checked out and gone somewhere else in her head? She may be looking your way and then the overactive imagination story line starts forming in her mind. She is unwell. You know this.

Yes, she's staring. When I look over at her, she continues to stare at me. I am usually the one to break eye contact, but sometimes I have tried staring right back at her just to see what she would do. Then it's like she's trying to talk to me through her eyes, but I have no idea what she's trying to say.

[Anonymous]

Does she do this only to you? Do you catch her staring this way at other family members?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she really staring at you or has she checked out and gone somewhere else in her head? She may be looking your way and then the overactive imagination story line starts forming in her mind. She is unwell. You know this.

Yes, she's staring. When I look over at her, she continues to stare at me. I am usually the one to break eye contact, but sometimes I have tried staring right back at her just to see what she would do. Then it's like she's trying to talk to me through her eyes, but I have no idea what she's trying to say.

Then...ask her. "Mary, you keep staring at me. Is there something you want to say?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL does this, too. She also once told me she envied me because I had a pretty sling carrier for when my daughter was a baby and "you always have beautiful things." It made me feel a little sad because I know it comes from a place of feeling less than (which she shouldn't!).

I think one reason the MIL relationship is often fraught is that MILs are often going through a challenging time in their lives (menopause, aging, losing friends and family and spouses, dealing with their own health issues) and they may look at their DIL as a reminder of everything they wish they had or feel like they've lost. Now, that's not really fair to a DIL, but it's also a pretty understandable attitude.

Anyway, I just assume my MIL is staring at me because she's working through those feelings. I try to be nice to her but also maintain my own boundaries. It's a bit of a dance at times. But I do think I'm doing better with the empathy thing since my FIL passed away. Anyway, sorry OP -- being stared at is not fun and I wish your MIL would stop. But I doubt it's malicious. And I guarantee it's much more about her than you.

LOL, your MIL's probably staring at you because she's hoping she didn't act like you when she was younger. I'm not a MIL or old enough to be a MIL, but sometimes, I can't believe the young women I encounter and cringe that I may have been so tone deaf in my younger years.

BTW, please don't pretend that you have empathy when it's really pity.

PP here. I don’t pity my MIL but I do pity you. Projecting much?

Like I said, your MIL's watching you and is horrified, but you keep telling yourself it's because she's jealous and working through her feelings, lol. If you ever develop any self-awareness and maturity, you'll be horrified at yourself, too. But, I'm doubting that will happen.

NP: Uh no these women are not doing anything that is horrible, they are simply being themselves. What the original poster wrote about conflicting feelings can often be true. My MIL acted out a lot throughout menopause, she did really inappropriate things such as staring, lying, causing trouble. She had no handbrake and no self control. Luckily now that menopause is over she is half normal but still not nice, menopause just brought it all out. Maturity is understanding that, empathy is asking what is going on in someone else's life for them to act that way.

OP it would be really uncomfortable. I'm sure MIL is having many thoughts about you during the time she is staring at you, I'm not sure they would be all nice. You are probably lucky she hasn't yet unleashed on you all her thoughts. One day that may happen.

I would maybe do what some other posters have said and ask her "Is there something you wanted to ask me" or "Oh sorry did you say something". Call her out or if you don't want to do that change the seating arrangements so she is next to you or diagonal you. Perhaps she feels the two of you should be talking however as you say there is conversation which you join in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she do this only to you? Do you catch her staring this way at other family members?

I haven't paid close attention. And my husband has Aspergers so he's oblivious. And really, most of the time she is talking, not just sitting there. It is unusual for her to be quiet.

[Anonymous]

Then she could be on the spectrum too and is poor at picking up social cues. Or she be having eye issues

[Anonymous]

How often are you seeing this lady?
Daily?
I doubt it.
Everybody's got quirky folks in their family.
You're only stressing cause it's your MIL.
Pretend it's your aunt or something - you just accept it and go on about your seasonal get together's with no worry.