wife refuses to mend relationship with brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op

both of them are important to me, but both are forcing me to pick a side.
i fight with my bother since we are young, but we always put it behind us, isn’t it normal for siblings to fight?
my wife on the other hand has never fought with her brother, so she doesn’t understand our dynamics.

No, your dynamic is not normal. Your entire family is very dysfunctional. Seems only your wife is capable of healthy boundaries.

Honestly what kind of MAN allows his wife to be trashed talk by a sibling? What is wrong with you? Do you not have any respect for your wife? For yourself? Your brother is a piece of shit.

+1 But not limiting it to men. What kind of PERSON allows their spouse to be bad mouthed by siblings or parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a couple of years ago, my brother disrespected me and my wife because we refused to bail him out of a credit card debt. he went on a rampage and played victim turning my parents against us. since then, he cut all ties from us.
parents now wants my brother and i to mend relationships, and so do I. after all we are still family. but my wife is very against the idea and do not want anything to do with my brother. she said she does not want toxic people around our family, and she doesn’t want me around him unless he stops behaving like a 3 year old having a tantrum. i have fought with my wife on this matter but she insists.
i have caught up with my brother a couple of times, and his anger towards my wife also hasn’t gone away (i understand my wife is not at any fault). he is starting to get to me that my wife is the whole reason of breaking up our brother relationship. feels like i can’t have it both ways.

The bolded right there indicates that you shouldn't be having anything to do with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is trying to con you into something... he's probably after your money again. Have you asked him flat out to explain why he is angry with your wife? Since the answer is that she wouldn't agree to give him your money, I'd like to hear how he spins it.

Not OP, but this type of person would insult the wife and then shut down. The OP already answered this.

OP, your wife is right. Are you young or newly married (like first decade)?

You have some crazy extended family with serious issues. Your wife is right. You don’t have any influence over the situation, so you need to take care of her and you, not your brother.

[Anonymous]

Wife comes first.

"What God has joined together, let NO ONE put asunder".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

Please read the bolded, and tell us how your wife is incorrect.

Ans if your brother is angry that your wife is changing your life-long habit of feeding money to your irresponsible brother . . . well, good for her.

FFS, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is right. Your brother is wrong, as are you.

+1

[Anonymous]

You’re lucky you’re not married to me, op, because I’d be talking to divorce lawyers right about now.

Your family may like your brother and choose to put up with his bad behavior, your wife is under no obligation to put up with him.

Men with bad tempers are scary as hell.

People who have money problems are dangerous, and dangerous in ways that impact women, “I’m just waiting here for Billy to come home…” “I’ll come back when your husband is home…” which puts a pall over an otherwise good day, or calling the husband when he knows the wife isn’t around so when he walks through the door, he’s in a bad or worried mood, all because a functional adult needs a hand-out.

If I was your wife, I’d be getting the f**ck out.

If I had kids with you, I’d be doing everything I could to protect them from your family, even if I couldn’t, I’d document in court filings that I thought your family especially your brother was dangerous.

Your brother doesn’t care about you, all he cares is that you’ll open your wallet.

If you were single, do whatever you want. Your wife doesn’t want to fight, but she also doesn’t want money that belongs to the two of you to essentially be flushed down the toilet. You are choosing to put her in a terrible position, physically, emotionally, all kinds of ways that she doesn’t deserve.

Finally, we all know he didn’t need money for legitimate bills right? People who hit up friends and family for money owe people who don’t take credit cards and who have nasty ways of collecting payment.

[Anonymous]

You wife has a right to not want to mend the relationship. She cannot tell you what to do. If you want a relationship you can do that. I would not however have your children around him.

[Anonymous]

Man you're stupid. so stupid for even entertaining the thought that you can keep up a relationship with your brother when he's done nothing to atone for past and current toxic behavior.

He is toxic. Your wife is dead right.

This mantra about family is family: your family and first priority is your wife! Don't you get it? You can't choose your birth family, but you do choose your own family and you've already chosen, and wisely at that I may add. Now if only you could keep a clear head and see how evil and manipulative your brother is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you should continue to meet with your brother one-on-one. Maybe even sometimes see your family without wife/kids. I think it's reasonable to ask her to get together with your whole family 1-2 times a year and be civil to him, like on a holiday.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

He seeks to destroy your relationship with her for his gain. She is just an obstacle to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Here's what you do.

You acknowledge to your wife that your brother is mentally disordered (ADHD? they often can't keep jobs and struggle with organization, time-keeping and emotional regulation - medication works wonders, BTW), and that she is right not to trust him or want a meaningful relationship with him.

However since he is mentally disordered and handicapped, you can perhaps pay for a bill every now and then. Never give him money. Pay the landlord or other creditor directly. It's an act of brotherly support and charity, but does not come with a socialization requirement. It does, however, buy you leverage with your parents and other relatives. They cannot claim you are turning your back on your own flesh and blood.

And then you can occasionally see him with your parents, with or without your wife. I'm sure if he stops complaining to all and sundry about her, and short of an apology, acts in a contrite manner around her, she'll grace a few family events with her presence.

All this mending of fences and treatment of bruised egos take time. Take advantage of the pandemic, while all family gatherings are postponed, to sort all this out.

Nope. You can meet your brother on your own with the permission of your wife a few times a year. He does not get to talk about your wife or children. You do not give him money. You do not even pay for his coffee.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your wife that she married a lame man like you, OP. Try and grow a pair and protect your wife from your toxic waste-of-space brother.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you don't think you can let go of the idea that your brother is at all justified, then tell your wife that ASAP so she can move on with her life.

[Anonymous]

So, your brother intentionally set out to destroy your relationship with your parents, told lies about your wife, then cut off ties with you. He's not sorry, he hasn't apologized, and he's still talking trash about your wife. Your wife does not want to resume a relationship with him because he's still behaving badly, but you want her to make nice because your parents (who took his side) want you to? Did your brother even reach out to you?

It's not about her holding a grudge for five years, it's about the fact that your brother has not changed. He's still behaving in the same disrespectful, toxic way. You want to just ignore all that, but she is not willing to. She's right -- you can't unilaterally mend your relationship with your brother. You want to have a relationship with him, which will be on precisely the same terms as before -- you are choosing to kowtow to a person who treats you and your wife badly.