wife refuses to mend relationship with brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can have a relationship with him all you want.

You can't force her.

And she's right. But then, you know that.

This. You can’t force her to have a relationship with your brother. He is your brother though and if you are willing and able to reestablish the relationship, go ahead. But you cannot force the relationship on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother sounds like the very definition of a toxic person. I agree with your wife. I would also caution you that your brother is trying to ruin your marriage out of spite and immaturity--which is beyond selfish, most especially if you have children. He does not have your welfare or best interests at heart.

+1 Your marriage comes first, OP. This is all you need to know about your brother: " he is starting to get to me that my wife is the whole reason of breaking up our brother relationship." And you wonder why your wife wants you to stay away from him? She's right -- you should stay away, or tell him that you won't tolerate him talking negatively about your wife. This is a no-brainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

It's not one incident. He is STILL engaged in inappropriate behavior. He continues to insult your wife, and you're okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait? Your brother went on a rampage because you wouldn’t bail him out of his credit card debt. Your brother still blames your wife. Your wife says no relationship until brother knocks it off. And you’re stuck in the middle? Of what??

#ListenToYourWife

Seriously. How is this even a question?

Until your brother can apologize for being a jerk, a relationship is a nonstarter.

[Anonymous]

How much debt are we talking -- and was it careless spending or some sort of emergency thing?

How wealthy are you and spouse? Is OP (male) the breadwinner or wife or split equally?

Full disclosure: I bailed out my sister for just over $20,000. She's a teacher, had just gotten out of an awful relationship -- my husband is a lawyer, I work in higher-ed administration.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the breadwinner husband was going to bailout his brother (with his own hard-earned money), but wanted to loop in the wife. The wife said no, you're not spending "our" money on your brother.

I'd bet wife is a SAHM or makes peanuts, yet wears the pants in the relationship, otherwise it doesn't make sense. Brother wouldn't approach his brother unless he knew brother had the dough -- and he wouldn't become so unhinged unless he knew the non-working spouse (SIL) subverted the bailout. Brother took it as brother choosing wife over blood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife comes first.

"What God has joined together, let NO ONE put asunder".

...until divorce, then it's: kids > brother > dog > wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the breadwinner husband was going to bailout his brother (with his own hard-earned money), but wanted to loop in the wife. The wife said no, you're not spending "our" money on your brother.

I'd bet wife is a SAHM or makes peanuts, yet wears the pants in the relationship, otherwise it doesn't make sense. Brother wouldn't approach his brother unless he knew brother had the dough -- and he wouldn't become so unhinged unless he knew the non-working spouse (SIL) subverted the bailout. Brother took it as brother choosing wife over blood.

Assumes facts not in evidence.

OP has said that his brother has issues with his temper. He became unhinged because he's an unbalanced person, not because he objects to the income dynamic in his brother's marriage. I'm sure he does see it as SIL shutting down the gift, since he was able to bilk plenty of money out of his brother when he was single, but that is her right. It's not "their" money, as you so charmingly imply. It's their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the breadwinner husband was going to bailout his brother (with his own hard-earned money), but wanted to loop in the wife. The wife said no, you're not spending "our" money on your brother.

I'd bet wife is a SAHM or makes peanuts, yet wears the pants in the relationship, otherwise it doesn't make sense. Brother wouldn't approach his brother unless he knew brother had the dough -- and he wouldn't become so unhinged unless he knew the non-working spouse (SIL) subverted the bailout. Brother took it as brother choosing wife over blood.

Assumes facts not in evidence.

OP has said that his brother has issues with his temper. He became unhinged because he's an unbalanced person, not because he objects to the income dynamic in his brother's marriage. I'm sure he does see it as SIL shutting down the gift, since he was able to bilk plenty of money out of his brother when he was single, but that is her right. It's not "their" money, as you so charmingly imply. It's their money.

Lol to the top PP. What an idiot. Marriage is a partnership. If one spouse works, that generally means the other spouse carries a greater burden at home, with kids, etc. All money is shared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is right. Your brother is wrong, as are you.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

It's not one incident. He is STILL engaged in inappropriate behavior. He continues to insult your wife, and you're okay with that.

Yep, this. If you're going to have a relationship with your wife, and you acknowledge she is not at fault here, then you need to recognize your brother for what he is: TOXIC. He's insulting YOUR WIFE and you're letting him?

Your brother is 100% wrong here. So are you.

[Anonymous]

Ah, the incel found the thread. Go away.

[Anonymous]

I like that wife of yours. She is a keeper.

[Anonymous]

You talk about how you want to bring your family back together.

YOUR WIFE is your immediate family now. You choose her, or you are disrespecting her and your marriage. Your brother is entirely in the wrong. Just because he’s been in the wrong your whole life doesn’t make it okay.

I see no reason for her to forgive him. He’s done nothing to warrant forgiveness. That you can’t see that is a problem.

[Anonymous]

So your parents decided they didn't want to waste any more money on your brother because they needed to save for their retirement but have decided for you that you can spend any extra cash you have on your brother. Not on the luxury items that you worked for, that you enjoy, nope on taking care of your brother who doesn't care about you or your marriage.

OP your parents shouldn't be telling you how to spend your money or making any decisions in your life. You are an adult.

You shouldn't have to spend money on your brother continuously.

Your brother is toxic and your wife is correct in staying away from him. You should never allow family to shit talk about your spouse.

You need to look into dysfunctional families and how they operate to keep everyone playing a role. Yours is textbook in their behaviour. They pull the strings and you dance to their tune.