wife refuses to mend relationship with brother

[Anonymous]

She is entitled to a preference

[Anonymous]

When people show you who they are, believe them. Your brother has shown you who he is. You can forgive him, you can love him, but your wife has every right to insist on healthy boundaries and you should NOT allow him to sabotage you or your relationship (again).

[Anonymous]

Are you from a different culture and do not understand that in America women don't have to let men boss them around? Your wife is totally right here. She does not want to spend time with someone who constantly disparages her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

OP, forgiveness requires that your brother actually admit that what he did was wrong, apologize and show that he's changed. He's still shit-talking your wife. She is right to say that he is attacking her, because he is. Your brother is the one who is ruining life-long habits and relationships between brothers.

This is on your brother. Your wife is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a couple of years ago, my brother disrespected me and my wife because we refused to bail him out of a credit card debt. he went on a rampage and played victim turning my parents against us. since then, he cut all ties from us.
parents now wants my brother and i to mend relationships, and so do I. after all we are still family. but my wife is very against the idea and do not want anything to do with my brother. she said she does not want toxic people around our family, and she doesn’t want me around him unless he stops behaving like a 3 year old having a tantrum. i have fought with my wife on this matter but she insists.
i have caught up with my brother a couple of times, and his anger towards my wife also hasn’t gone away (i understand my wife is not at any fault). he is starting to get to me that my wife is the whole reason of breaking up our brother relationship. feels like i can’t have it both ways.

The bolded right there indicates that you shouldn't be having anything to do with him.

Also, you need to stay away from someone who is trying to (and succeeding!) poison your relationship with your wife. He is starting to convince you that it's your wife's fault your relationship is broken, even though you know it's his fault for insulting you and your wife, lying to your parents about you in order to turn them against you, and cutting ties with you because you wouldn't give him money. He continues to attack and insult her. And you're choosing him over her.

[Anonymous]

Your wife should divorce you. I’m guessing she’s the one worth the high income because you’re not very smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op
my brother isn’t that bad, although he can’t control his temper he cares for me in his own ways. at the time, he was used to me helping him financially, and he would help out around the house (paint, garden etc). he couldn’t come around we cannot provide him anymore since we have our own priorities.
what he told my parents was he lost his job and was just asking me to borrow him a months repayment so he doesn’t need to pay the high interest, he also told my parents it was my wife that blocked me for giving him the money. but in fact he couldn’t keep his work repeatedly and asked us to pay all debt, i would of helped him if i wasn’t married, but it was my decision not to bail him out again. i was furious at the time also when parents took his side.
i say it’s getting to me because i would thought my wife forgave him having passed 5 years already, and i can’t keep staying mad at family. i would still say no if he wants money from us, but my wife can’t tolerate his behaviors and values

If your brother truly can't control his temper then your DW and child should never be around him. He's too volatile and no telling how it would escalate. I would encourage you not to engage with him either.

If your brother chooses not to control his temper, your DW and child should never be around him. He's toxic. You should not be around him either because you would then be condoning/approving his choice.

Unless your brother gives a sincere apology and demonstrates civility, no one should have anything to do with him. There's no way I'd let you take my DC around a person like him. He'll bad mouth me in front of my child and you wouldn't do anything about it. No child should experience that.

[Anonymous]

Four pages of unanimity on DCUM. Rare and never wrong when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Four pages of unanimity on DCUM. Rare and never wrong when it happens.

Yep. OP, understand that you have been trained since birth into a family dynamic that forced you to always give in to brother. Just because that was always the way it was does not mean it was ever right. You have to establish boundaries with your parents and your brother. You have to accept that in establishing these boundaries, it could mean the end of a relationship with your brother, and possibly your parents. If that happens, it is NOT your fault. It is because the three of them refused to make the healthy choice that you need to make to end this toxic dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man you're stupid. so stupid for even entertaining the thought that you can keep up a relationship with your brother when he's done nothing to atone for past and current toxic behavior.

He is toxic. Your wife is dead right.

This mantra about family is family: your family and first priority is your wife! Don't you get it? You can't choose your birth family, but you do choose your own family and you've already chosen, and wisely at that I may add. Now if only you could keep a clear head and see how evil and manipulative your brother is.

+1 the onus is on the brother to mend that relationship, not the wife.

I'd be seriously p.o'd at OP if I were the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a couple of years ago, my brother disrespected me and my wife because we refused to bail him out of a credit card debt. he went on a rampage and played victim turning my parents against us. since then, he cut all ties from us.
parents now wants my brother and i to mend relationships, and so do I. after all we are still family. but my wife is very against the idea and do not want anything to do with my brother. she said she does not want toxic people around our family, and she doesn’t want me around him unless he stops behaving like a 3 year old having a tantrum. i have fought with my wife on this matter but she insists.
i have caught up with my brother a couple of times, and his anger towards my wife also hasn’t gone away (i understand my wife is not at any fault). he is starting to get to me that my wife is the whole reason of breaking up our brother relationship. feels like i can’t have it both ways.

if you want to fix this, call our your brother for his terrible behavior and actions toward your wife. Stick up for your wife first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

Uhhhh. Your wife is your family. Your seems to only succeed when he can peel a sheep from the flock. You can be brotherly without taking sides. Financials are a verboten topic forever now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

But...it’s not one incident. And you CAN stop your brother from talking shit about your wife TO YOU. Walk away, hang up the phone, etc. You are teaching him that it’s fine to treat your wife any kid of way. And then you want her to take his crap. AND you want her to give this fool money? Come on, OP.

He isn’t even really interested in a relationship with you - he wants you to give him mine, and sees your wife as a barrier to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

Uhhhh. Your wife is your family. Your seems to only succeed when he can peel a sheep from the flock. You can be brotherly without taking sides. Financials are a verboten topic forever now.

stop and ask yourself how you ** can't ** see it IS an attack on your wife?

Don't you understand that your brother talking about her badly in an attack on her?

Call your brother out when he starts. Say matter of fact he needs to never say things like that and he is mad that she called him on his poor behavior. and you absolutely agree with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op
plus i can’t get my brother to stop talking shit about my wife. hitting a dead end on resolving the issue. it was my brother and myself fighting at first, but him dragging my wife in made the whole thing irreversible. from where i stand, i can’t change my brother but he is family and it’s one incident that can foregiven. my wife sees it as an attack on her and she doesn’t want to be near a freeloader that doesn’t appreciates. my brother sees her as the person that ruin life long habits and relationship between brothers.

But...it’s not one incident. And you CAN stop your brother from talking shit about your wife TO YOU. Walk away, hang up the phone, etc. You are teaching him that it’s fine to treat your wife any kid of way. And then you want her to take his crap. AND you want her to give this fool money? Come on, OP.

He isn’t even really interested in a relationship with you - he wants you to give him mine, and sees your wife as a barrier to that.

+1 OP can't change his brother, so instead, he wants his wife to change her attitude about his brother, who he admits has anger issues among other issues?

Is this a troll? What kind of man is OP?

Man up, you wuss, and tell your brother to f* off if he's going to continue to blame your wife for your estrangement that you even admitted he caused.

If I were your wife I'd tell you both to F* off.

I have to believe that OP is a troll.