DD is Failing School

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - where do things stand re: college applications? Does she have any acceptances?

OP--No acceptances yet. Everything is submitted and we should start hearing mid-December.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD just turned 18 a month ago and completely did a 360 on us. 1st Quarter ended with mostly As, now we have all Fs. She logs into the classes, but does nothing....does not submit homework....does not participate in class. We check her grades every couple of weeks and we can see teacher's emails pointing out she is not participating and turning in homework. She maybe spends two nights at home every week and sleeps over at her girlfriends' most of the time. There are no drugs or drinking involved. She is interested in dating an older boy (21yo), but we said she is only allowed to date her peers in HS. We did tell her she can date whomever she wants once she is in college. We're thinking about taking her car keys away, phone, access to cash. The only problem is she 18 now and there is not much we can do. How would you approach this?

Wash your hands off of her. She is already gone. You do not have any control over her and her sexual activities...because the bolded is when the said sexual activities is happening.

But what can you do now?. This is a parenting fail that started from the time she was born. Sorry, but she has no self-respect or goals in life.

LOL wow, just wow PP.

OP here. This is not the advice I would be taken. Clearly, we don't want to wash our hands clean of her. We need to encourage her in some way.

OP you are either a troll or a truly clueless parent. Why are you letting her stay anywhere? She's your kid. You are providing for her. You call the shots. If you have a terrible relationship, then you need to work on it ASAP. Get a family therapist involved today.

What Am I going to do? Lock her in her room? I can't really do that. I can only use soft approaches and take away car, phone, cash.

Welp... lets just hope she is pretty.

[Anonymous]

All As to all Fs is a giant leap. Have you asked her what the problem is? Does she realize she could fail her senior year? Colleges ask for your senior year final grades and could remind their offer. Checking her grades every few weeks is obviously NOT enough. Set up an emergency meeting with your guidance counselor and get a plan.

Where is she going a few nights a week? She isn’t being truthful so I would follow her and then take the keys away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD just turned 18 a month ago and completely did a 360 on us. 1st Quarter ended with mostly As, now we have all Fs. She logs into the classes, but does nothing....does not submit homework....does not participate in class. We check her grades every couple of weeks and we can see teacher's emails pointing out she is not participating and turning in homework. She maybe spends two nights at home every week and sleeps over at her girlfriends' most of the time. There are no drugs or drinking involved. She is interested in dating an older boy (21yo), but we said she is only allowed to date her peers in HS. We did tell her she can date whomever she wants once she is in college. We're thinking about taking her car keys away, phone, access to cash. The only problem is she 18 now and there is not much we can do. How would you approach this?

You are checking her grades every few weeks? No, no, no. I make my kid check his once a day so if a teacher misses an assignment or he misses one, he can quickly fix it.

[Anonymous]

I would contact the guidance counselor at school. I would quickly get an appointment with a family therapist, even if it is online, and have that person help you work out boundaries going forward. I would be worried about if the boyfriend is being abusive or controlling. I would talk to her friends about what they think is going on. I would have her screened for depression. This is not normal. Don’t give up. Push in. Have the boyfriend over for dinner and contact his parents. You need to get the closet door open on whatever is going on. Get professional help for yourself. If she won’t see the therapist online, then I’d take the car keys and phone. And I’d put a tracker on the phone.

[Anonymous]

I can’t get over the fact that OP casually mentioned that her DD is only home two nights a week and OP seems totally fine with that. SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would contact the guidance counselor at school. I would quickly get an appointment with a family therapist, even if it is online, and have that person help you work out boundaries going forward. I would be worried about if the boyfriend is being abusive or controlling. I would talk to her friends about what they think is going on. I would have her screened for depression. This is not normal. Don’t give up. Push in. Have the boyfriend over for dinner and contact his parents. You need to get the closet door open on whatever is going on. Get professional help for yourself. If she won’t see the therapist online, then I’d take the car keys and phone. And I’d put a tracker on the phone.

+1

And make sure she is on/has been using contraception.

[Anonymous]

You have complete control even if she is 18. You are paying for college tuition next year, right? That can be contingent on grades, behavior, participating in therapy, communication with you, etc.
I have no idea why parents think they have no power over 18 year olds and yet obligations to pay for iPhones, provide a residence, tuition, etc.

Real adults pay their own way 100%. 18 is just a number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD just turned 18 a month ago and completely did a 360 on us. 1st Quarter ended with mostly As, now we have all Fs. She logs into the classes, but does nothing....does not submit homework....does not participate in class. We check her grades every couple of weeks and we can see teacher's emails pointing out she is not participating and turning in homework. She maybe spends two nights at home every week and sleeps over at her girlfriends' most of the time. There are no drugs or drinking involved. She is interested in dating an older boy (21yo), but we said she is only allowed to date her peers in HS. We did tell her she can date whomever she wants once she is in college. We're thinking about taking her car keys away, phone, access to cash. The only problem is she 18 now and there is not much we can do. How would you approach this?

Wash your hands off of her. She is already gone. You do not have any control over her and her sexual activities...because the bolded is when the said sexual activities is happening.

But what can you do now?. This is a parenting fail that started from the time she was born. Sorry, but she has no self-respect or goals in life.

Seriously, wash your hands off of her. You are incapable of being the parent she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have complete control even if she is 18. You are paying for college tuition next year, right? That can be contingent on grades, behavior, participating in therapy, communication with you, etc.
I have no idea why parents think they have no power over 18 year olds and yet obligations to pay for iPhones, provide a residence, tuition, etc.

Real adults pay their own way 100%. 18 is just a number.

+1

I would like to hear from the DD. OP seems like a helpless and ineffective parent. Kids don't start misbehaving because they turn 18. She did not turn bad from being good overnight contrary to what OP claims.

[Anonymous]

One year from now, OP will be talking about how her bum single teen mom DD is still partying while she is taking care of her grandbaby.

[Anonymous]

OK, first of all you guys are unnecessarily mean. Do any of you actually have teenagers? I love the idea that you can just control another human being who has their mind made up. If you haven’t gone through this you just simply don’t now so don’t post. OP I’m very sorry, I know how hard it is. It’s good that she has her college applications in. I agree with others who said dial back her classes just do what she needs to graduate. If that’s a choice she wants to meet. But double check with the colleges that it won’t impact her admission decisions. And yes she honestly is probably seeing the older boyfriend when she’s away.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a 17 year old who went through something similar recently. To me, this was an emergency situation calling for drastic measures. I took away her phone, told her she could have no more cash for going out, and I refused to pay for college applications or college unless she brought everything up to at least a B. She had spent most of her time in her room wasting time and avoiding us so I told her she could only be in her room from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. in order to closely supervise her progress. I also told her I had no responsibility to support her after 18 so if this is the way she chose to live her life she better figure out how she was going to support herself.

She brought up all her grades within 2 weeks. She actually thanked me for helping her get out her slump and admitted she had been avoiding us because she was overwhelmed and ashamed. She developed a planner and we now have regular check-ins about her progress on assignments and grades. They are all As now and she is excited about college. She continues to see a therapist and has talked it through with her - the therapist sees the intervention as a positive step. She has earned back most of her privileges again but we keep a close eye and will take them away if grades slip. I know it sounds harsh, but your kid is literally throwing her life away at the most critical moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a 17 year old who went through something similar recently. To me, this was an emergency situation calling for drastic measures. I took away her phone, told her she could have no more cash for going out, and I refused to pay for college applications or college unless she brought everything up to at least a B. She had spent most of her time in her room wasting time and avoiding us so I told her she could only be in her room from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. in order to closely supervise her progress. I also told her I had no responsibility to support her after 18 so if this is the way she chose to live her life she better figure out how she was going to support herself.

She brought up all her grades within 2 weeks. She actually thanked me for helping her get out her slump and admitted she had been avoiding us because she was overwhelmed and ashamed. She developed a planner and we now have regular check-ins about her progress on assignments and grades. They are all As now and she is excited about college. She continues to see a therapist and has talked it through with her - the therapist sees the intervention as a positive step. She has earned back most of her privileges again but we keep a close eye and will take them away if grades slip. I know it sounds harsh, but your kid is literally throwing her life away at the most critical moment.

This is much of what I was going to say. Sit her down now. Does she really want to go to college? Remind her if she doesn't pass there will be no choice, but that you will not pay tuition for barely passing grades either. She has minimal time to pull up this quarter's grades and has proven untrustworthy in managing it alone. She needs to email every teacher and copy you. No car, no sleepovers, no extras until the grades improve. Prepare for a miserable holiday season with her being grouchy. I'd restrict the phone during school and overnight hours but not take it away entirely. That's her outlet and she should to have something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a 17 year old who went through something similar recently. To me, this was an emergency situation calling for drastic measures. I took away her phone, told her she could have no more cash for going out, and I refused to pay for college applications or college unless she brought everything up to at least a B. She had spent most of her time in her room wasting time and avoiding us so I told her she could only be in her room from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. in order to closely supervise her progress. I also told her I had no responsibility to support her after 18 so if this is the way she chose to live her life she better figure out how she was going to support herself.

She brought up all her grades within 2 weeks. She actually thanked me for helping her get out her slump and admitted she had been avoiding us because she was overwhelmed and ashamed. She developed a planner and we now have regular check-ins about her progress on assignments and grades. They are all As now and she is excited about college. She continues to see a therapist and has talked it through with her - the therapist sees the intervention as a positive step. She has earned back most of her privileges again but we keep a close eye and will take them away if grades slip. I know it sounds harsh, but your kid is literally throwing her life away at the most critical moment.

This is much of what I was going to say. Sit her down now. Does she really want to go to college? Remind her if she doesn't pass there will be no choice, but that you will not pay tuition for barely passing grades either. She has minimal time to pull up this quarter's grades and has proven untrustworthy in managing it alone. She needs to email every teacher and copy you. No car, no sleepovers, no extras until the grades improve. Prepare for a miserable holiday season with her being grouchy. I'd restrict the phone during school and overnight hours but not take it away entirely. That's her outlet and she should to have something.

OP--We went through something similar when she was a junior and harsh tactics did not work at all. We already went through family therapy and she knows what needs to be done. Hubs gave her two weeks to improve on her own and then he will implement drastic measures.