DD is Failing School

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - where do things stand re: college applications? Does she have any acceptances?

OP--No acceptances yet. Everything is submitted and we should start hearing mid-December.

Any acceptances can be rescinded if she doesn't finish out strong.

[Anonymous]

Take away her car and any access to money until grades improve. No overnights anywhere.

You know she is probably drinking, smoking wee, and seeing her older boyfriend at her friend's house, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have complete control even if she is 18. You are paying for college tuition next year, right? That can be contingent on grades, behavior, participating in therapy, communication with you, etc.
I have no idea why parents think they have no power over 18 year olds and yet obligations to pay for iPhones, provide a residence, tuition, etc.

Real adults pay their own way 100%. 18 is just a number.

+1

I would like to hear from the DD. OP seems like a helpless and ineffective parent. Kids don't start misbehaving because they turn 18. She did not turn bad from being good overnight contrary to what OP claims.

Ehh. She's having sex with a 21yo now. She might think he's the love of her life and her mom is getting in the way. If he's her first, sex can be a powerful bond. Also, she might not care about college if that means being away from her guy and/or he's not supportive of her going away. If she's lived a pretty sheltered life, she's probably sprung right now.

Hopefully, nothing traumatic has occurred that she's not processing well.

[Anonymous]

OP- you’ve responded to a few things but not that she only stays at home twice a week. How do you know she is staying with girlfriends? Have you talked to parents? (I would to thank them for feeding and housing my kid on a regular basis, and offer to reciprocate).

She will absolutely be rescinded if she fails or is not making credit. She could appeal due to COVID, but a drop in all classes across the board would need a serious appeal. If she applied early decision and only has one option, that can actually be worse if she is admitted because she won’t have options if her grades plummet and the one acceptance rescinds. Deferral to regular will also not help if first semester grades are bad... and deferrals are shockingly common these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- you’ve responded to a few things but not that she only stays at home twice a week. How do you know she is staying with girlfriends? Have you talked to parents? (I would to thank them for feeding and housing my kid on a regular basis, and offer to reciprocate).

She will absolutely be rescinded if she fails or is not making credit. She could appeal due to COVID, but a drop in all classes across the board would need a serious appeal. If she applied early decision and only has one option, that can actually be worse if she is admitted because she won’t have options if her grades plummet and the one acceptance rescinds. Deferral to regular will also not help if first semester grades are bad... and deferrals are shockingly common these days.

OP--We periodically do unannounced drop-ins to ensure she is where she is supposed to be. We also have a location tracker on her phone which she is unable to turn off (through phone provider). We do host her friends as well a couple of times a week and always feed them, but I had to intervene a few times during school hours and separate them to different rooms. Starting this week we limited her phone access to emergency numbers/no access after certain time.

We made it very clear to her that grades need to be brought up OR colleges may rescind the offer. If grades are not brought up in two weeks, she will lose her car access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do understand though that she is probably staying with the 21-year-old boyfriend and not with her girlfriend? Right?

This. She prob. thinks she’s in love.

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever give a real answer to what happened when they took away cash, car and phone access from DD? If not, OP is a troll. OP said they did that but never reported what happened though asked many times. Also, answers to that would give much more idea of the dynamics here.

If OP did answer it, sorry, I must've missed it in reading through responses.

And OBVIOUSLY the "GIve up on her, you've failed as a parent already" person is a troll. OP seems to be ignoring them, so everyone else can too.

[Anonymous]

OP--Update. I ended up suspending her phone line today and told her the only way she can get it back is by bringing the car back and staying home.

[Anonymous]

OP, I actually have a lot of empathy for your situation. My youngest brother did this. My parents cut him off to try to entice him to come home and instead he just moved in with older friends who supplied him with the basics and an extra car they were working on. Once a kid is 18, there isn’t a lot you can do unless you have something they really need. What motivates your daughter? College tuition money? Car? Phone? Pocket money? Basically you’re at the point of having to bribe her to stay with you, but you should try to do it. My brother went way off track after he moved out and definitely regrets it, but it’s too late for him to start fresh. We are in contact with him but barely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually have a lot of empathy for your situation. My youngest brother did this. My parents cut him off to try to entice him to come home and instead he just moved in with older friends who supplied him with the basics and an extra car they were working on. Once a kid is 18, there isn’t a lot you can do unless you have something they really need. What motivates your daughter? College tuition money? Car? Phone? Pocket money? Basically you’re at the point of having to bribe her to stay with you, but you should try to do it. My brother went way off track after he moved out and definitely regrets it, but it’s too late for him to start fresh. We are in contact with him but barely.

OP--I appreciate your encouraging post. We're definitely not cutting her off in any way. Having access to a car is her motivation as she likes to free range a lot. We did tell her she needs to bring her grades up to all Bs or better before car access is restored. We also committed to taking her to work and picking her up on the days she is scheduled. If she wants to spend time with friends, they're more than welcome to visit her at the house OUTSIDE of school hours.