I have no idea how to be a dad
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Anonymous
No, mom choose not to have him invoked. Now she doesn’t want to deal with the kids so she gave him time as a babysitter. |
Anonymous
Dump them at school? You mean...send them to school? Dad needs to step it up. |
Anonymous
| The first thing you need to do is be honest with them without damaging their relationship with your ex. They can see through BS. Take responsibility. Sit down with them and say you are new to doing much more than showing up for stuff and you are sorry your patience isn't what it should be. You don't like to yell, you don't want to yell, and you need their input to make your time together more meaningful and like a father relationship should be. See if they have any feedback, see what they like to do. From there you say these are the things I'm going to change or I want to change about being a father and put real steps in place to get there. There are lots of good parenting books out there as one PP suggested. |
Anonymous
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Tues through Thurs is not a good schedule. You have to deal with online learning and (assuming you work) your own work. Try to get some weekend time also - can you do Thursday-Tuesday? Then you have some structured days and some day to just relax with the kids.
Also, kids whine and are difficult sometimes, especially now when they are isolated. Find a mantra to deal with your own feelings of annoyance. My DH also find the kids whining really challenging to deal with, so it’s not just you. |
Anonymous
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Don't forget part of this is just the schedule change up. I and my children are both testy when anything changes, and I'm a SAHM. I probably could've repeated a lot of your original post from when covid first started and my daughter left preschool etc. Transitions are hard and don't put people at their best.
Could you just watch TV with them - whatever shows they want? And pretend to have a real interest? Or just be in the same room with them while they play iPad games? It could be a start. Or maybe have them invite a friend over for pizza and a movie with all of you? Also, you might enjoy the movie "Boyhood" (for yourself, not necessarily with kids). |
Anonymous
| Here’s the problem with a lot of divorced dads - they feel like the time with their kids is supposed to be some 3 day, quality play date with Dad. That’s not what they need, that’s not how a family works. When the kids are with mom they do school, there’s dinner, and then homework and some independent time and then maybe a game or something. Single mothers are not filling every moment of their time with their kids with bonding and group activities. Try to be a normal family. Do not be jealous with YOUR time. Let them have a play date, let them be bored, do chores. I’m certain the kids feel pressured to enjoy the time with you and want to make you happy but probably can’t meet your expectations. Love them, spend time and be normal. Good on you for stepping up. Better late than never. |
Anonymous
| NP. I liked the PEP classes. The teacher said her favorite author was Alan Kazdin of the Yale Parenting Center. Look up his book, the Everyday Parenting Toolkit. The PEP classes were helpful, too. The first one is free. |
Anonymous
The issue is they get very little time together. There is a huge difference between 3 days a week and three days every two weeks or even 4 days a month. |
Anonymous
You seem to have your heart in the right place and that you are open to hearing advice from strangers. You are their dad and they love you as you love them, but what if for purposes of developing a little perspective you imagined a world where you were their grandfather and their mother was a single mom (maybe dad took off when they were toddlers). A loving grandfather might have a relationship where he shows up to the grandchildren's birthday parties and sporting events and takes them out to dinner/outings occasionally. It is not hard to imagine families where grandchildren never staying overnight at grandpa's house or see him multiple days in a row. For purposes of this mental exercise let's say something comes up unexpectedly where their mom has to find overnight childcare for three days weeks. Maybe its work, weekly medical treatments or maybe even a historic pandemic. Who knows, but the first question on your mind and the kids is...is this new arranagement temporary or will staying with grandpa for three days a week become permanent? If the circumstances were so dire that mom asked grandpa to make this change permanent would grandpa agree to it or would he firmly say no and offer to continue to help out in the short-term, but look forward to getting back to his daily routine with only occasional visits with the grandkids? Has mom or grandpa communicated the answer to these questions to the kids? Second, short, occasional visits can hide all manner of sins. It is much easier for kids to be on their best behavior over a meal or on a outing somewhere fun. Grandpa also probably rarely lost his cool and started yelling at the kids on these short visits. For the first time everyone is seeing each other and how they are on a day-to-day basis for the first time. It's confusing and unsettling for the kids and frustrating for grandpa who never had to deal with constant bickering and daily fights. He probably doesn't realize that this was not unusual for mom and honestly for most households. More than a few parents cry into their wine glasses at night wondering why their kids act the way they do. Third, the kids don't know how to act at grandpa's house because they don't know whats expected of them. What are the rules? What is the daily schedule? How much does grandpa have to work and has he tried to share his schedule with the kids? Do they kids know to shutup when he is on a work call? How much screen time is allowed and do they have to earn it? What chores? What are the consequences for breaking rules? Fourth, Grandpa probably never learned that kids do better with fair, but firm boundaries clearly communicated IN ADVANCE with consequences for transgressions that are clearly communicated IN ADVANCE. He probably also doesn't know that most dads yell or at least raise their voice when they lose their cool. Sometimes and with some kids a raised voice on occasion can be effective. However, a loud yell itself should not be a punishment for breaking a rule. Grandpa should simply be able to enforce the consequence that he had previously communicated IN ADVANCE. Maybe losing screentime is a consequence, maybe quiet time in their room or no dessert. Grandpa could even come up with consequences with the grandkids so there is buy-in. He should also know that when he has completely lost his cool it's ok to stop yelling himself, ignore any further yelling by the kids and leave the room to compose himself. He shouldn't try to yell a grandkid into submission. That isn't good for anyone. Fifth, kids don't need a big outing to create memories of a lifetime. Engaging the grandkids in offline activities requires your and their full attention can be a great way to develop a rapport. Don't have the TV on or check your phone while you are doing this. This does require some advance planning before they visit. Making a little extra effort and having a handful of activities at the ready will go a long way toward making each visit better...maybe a trip to Michael's to get some crafts, stopping to get a pumpking carving kit, puzzle, model car set, DIY science toys, having a board game or two on hand or a deck of card or Uno. Maybe grandpa can ask mom about what non-screen activities the kids like (drawing? painting? legos?). The key is do not interrupt their screen time to do this. They might be in the middle of something important for them even if it seems silly to you. Just let them know IN ADVANCE that at say 5 pm screens have to be off to do this activity before dinner. Or announce at dinner that it will be after dinner. The first few times the grandkids will grumple and complain. That's fine. Stick with it. Finally, grandpa should always avoid delivering ultimatums he is not prepared to follow through on. Empty threats will not work for long. Good luck pops. |
Anonymous
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Read How to Talk to Little Kids. Very good practical strategies and approaches to communicate. My husband read it and used it, helped him a lot. At the end of each chapter is a summary with key points and ideas so you can use that to skim if you have no time.
Highly recommend also a parenting class. Mariposa has some online. Sounds like you have basically good kids, you just aren’t in the practice of parenting. As for activities at that age I would get them involved in projects with you. Paint a room, play music you like, build something in the yard. Teach them how to fix a car or cook. Follow their interests and buy some craft kits or book of science experiments. Book of activities to do out in nature — backyard camp and learn survival skills. Think about what memories you want to create and what skills you want to teach. Ask them, let them vote, engage them. Maybe have them build a home movie theater with tickets and buy them snacks. Build a home restaurant with menus and make pizzas together. Get board games and big puzzles. This is a huge opportunity you have to connect with them before the even harder teen years. Get a pack of cards with questions on them to spark conversation at dinner. We have one called Family Time with all kinds of open ended questions that everyone can take turns answering. A lot of fun. |
Anonymous
Sorry to pile on, but much of parenting is about routines, discipline, and keeping the kids busy. They are little people now and you have to invest time in the relationship. Parenting can be boring or tedious a lot of the time too--but you put that time in, b/c caring for these little people is your responsibility. You helped bring them into this world. |
Anonymous
but the thing is that they are old enough that they have lives and preferences. They still need routine and stability not some endless "quality time" march. Be supportive, be present you do not need to fill all their time. This isn't about how they feel about you it is about how they feel in general and that should be loved. |
Anonymous
| You need to start some traditions. It will mean a lot to them. Taco Tuesday? Pizza Wednesday? Prepare a meal TOGETHER. Talk about your side of the family and build some history. Tell them stories from your youth. One of those nights each week is movie night. A weekly hike (if you’re in DC there are tons). Don’t ask, say “we’re doing this. Get your jacket” Christmas list making. Stump them with riddles (google is your friend). Talk To them about the holidays. How you want to celebrate. Things they want to do. What skills do you have? What is your job? Teach them about money? The stock market? Are their beds comfortable. Are YOU comforting when they might be feeling a bit scared (“lights out!”) or unstable in their new routine? Most important, I think is get outside with them. Throw a freaking ball! |
Anonymous
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Wow OP you remind me of my ex dh. All I can tell you is that my kids are 13 and 17 now and they aren't very fond of their dad. I am considering moving out of the area and my younger one's reaction was "yay, no more regular visits with dad". The irritability, meanness, all he is too them is an authoritative boss. He only pays attention to them when there's something negative to say. His idea of spending time with them for years was having them tag along when he went to the homes of his friends for beer and football. He doesn't know how to be a dad either - I think because his dad was not interested in him as a kid.
My dad used to take me for long walks around the neighborhood. He'd include me when he did handyman stuff around the house. He taught me how to ride a bike. He built me a doll house. We redecorated my room together. When I was little he would play fight/wrestle with us. He would snuggle me when we watched TV when I was little. He would take us on hikes on the weekend. He would take us sailing in the summers. Camping. Fishing. You can't fake genuine enjoyment in the company of another person, particularly your own child. My advice is find a shared interest and find a way to engage with them on that with enthusiasm. You are fortunate that they are young enough, it's not too late. With at least one kid, I would think sports might be an easy fall back? What do they like to do? |
Anonymous
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I would start with legos and board games.... maybe set a group goal of cooking something new together every other week when they are here.... do some sudoku or puzzles together...
Be honest with kids, say you are not good at this, you need their help to brainstorm ideas of what you can do together to spend quality time without being on the screens. |