I have no idea how to be a dad

[Anonymous]

I have two kids DS 10 and DD8. Ex-wife and I split when the kids were toddler. She has always had the kids full time. I come to birthday parties, soccer/baseball games, take them out to dinner/outings occasionally, but I never kept them overnight or multiple days in a row. She said the kids weren’t comfortable staying away from her, and I know I should have pushed for more time, but I guess I was fine with it. Out of nowhere my ex-wife says the kids want to spend more time with me. I’m guessing she is struggling having them home during virtual learning.

So I have them tues-thurs every other week right now. It’s not going well. When they aren’t doing school they are bored unless they are on iPads/watching tv. When I suggest bikes, or playing outside they just annoy each other and I notice that I’m not very tolerant of those silly annoying behaviors. I know I’m yelling too much, I never know when to punish or let stuff go. The kids tell me I’m mean. I love them, I’m proud of them, but I am not good at connecting or communicating with people in general. Is it even possible that I can fix what has already been broken?

[Anonymous]

Read a parenting book or watch some videos to get the hang of it. Start with making the activity fun like.. let's go ride bikes to.. get ice cream.. or something like that.

Also, talk to them. Ask about school, their day, etc.

[Anonymous]

You need to try. I am not sure what to tell you re how, but maybe find a therapist to help.

[Anonymous]

You need to manage expectations. Get them on a schedule if they're not already and write it down for them - you could even get their input. Include free time for things like videos, but also quiet time to read books (make sure they have actual books there to read). Make sure they get some outdoor time everyday, even just a walk around the block. Spend time together every day doing an activity such as building legos, playing board games, carving pumpkins, whatever. Cook and eat dinner together - make sure they help prepare and clean up. Talk about their day and listen to them. Make sure they bathe, brush their teeth, wear clean clothes, and go to bed around the same time. This is 90% of parenting. Also read up on assertive parenting and try to set reasonable consequences and boundaries. Work on being non-reactive and try not to yell - it's okay to leave the room if you need to cool down before addressing the situation.

[Anonymous]

Tell them you love them and you're proud of them. They need to hear you say it.

[Anonymous]

Spend time with them one on one. So while one of them watches tv for an hour, go into the kitchen and bake with the other one. While one reads outside, play basketball in the driveway with the other one.

The key is separating them slightly. Teach them to play Spit and Gin and get a deck of cards and play with them.

[Anonymous]

Do they have stuff to do at your house? Crafts, books, games? My kids (9 and 6) would watch iPad/tv all day if I let them-but if I say no, they find things to do and the days are much better. (When they’re on screens all day their behavior deteriorates.) sometimes that means my house is a mess, but I let it go (and making them clean up eats up more time too!)

Mine love cooking and baking so that’s always a good project. Kitchen science is good too. I drag them on lots of hikes (my 9yo never wants to go but usually has fun once we’re there.) they love to play games and do puzzles too.

[Anonymous]

I think the schedule idea is a good one. Sit them down and have them make it with you. Tell them you love them but you don’t like yelling at them, you don’t want them to think You’re mean, so this schedule is a way for all of you to know what to expect. When is free time and down time, when it’s family activity time (each person takes a turn choosing the activity).

And hey, if you have to turn off WiFi to get them off the iPad, don’t hesitate. Try not to tie emotions into it when they get angry. Parenting is hard work, kids are stubborn and can be annoying. Once you accept that, the less angry you’ll be and everyone will be happier.

[Anonymous]

With regards to the bike riding idea, don't suggest is an idea they get to say no to. I think a choice is fine but saying " After lunch we are going for a bike ride or a hike, you guys pick which you would prefer today" gives them a choice but you still all get to go outside and get some exercise.

They are young enough to turn this around but they are testing you too.

Think about the good things you enjoyed doing as a kid too for ideas.
Parenting takes effort, if they see you making an effort, they will too.

[Anonymous]

I think people have come up with some good ideas, like scheduling, and presenting choices.

I also think you need to have a session with them where you "clear the air" and begin a do-over, with some rules about communication.

You've been out of their lives a long time. You kind of blame their mother but you know it was your fault. I think you should offer them an apology on some level and ask for a fresh start with them. I think a lot of their behavior may be anger toward you.

Brainstorm with them about some house rules you might want to consider:

No yelling
No complaining unless you make a suggestion about what to do instead
No putdowns
Dad and Larla and Larlo Forever

That sort of thing

[Anonymous]

Consider taking parenting classes. Books help, but I learned so much more from taking a couple courses than I did from reading a ton of books.

If you can’t find a class, work with a child specialist one-on-one. When I couldn’t find any classes, I met with a counselor alone (without my kid) for basically private sessions.

Most importantly, work on yourself. Figure out why you have such a short fuse and come up with strategies so you don’t get annoyed by silly behaviors.

A couple people have suggested hikes, and those are great. I grew up running around in the woods, and now I do weekly hikes with my kids. But let them have fun with it - adults usually like to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible, but kids want to play. Let them play and join in with them

[Anonymous]

Take a parenting class when the kids are with their mom. The most important thing now is not yelling. The kids won’t want to go to your house if you’re always yelling. It’s hard, I know. The bickering can drive one up a wall. I’m currently taking this course online:

https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/positive-parenting-strategies-better-than-yelling

I haven’t gotten far, because I want to do it slowly so it sinks in. Other people like the PEP courses. I personally didn’t find them useful but you might. Good luck. And be honest with your kids. Let them know you’re trying and you’re making mistakes. That goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them you love them and you're proud of them. They need to hear you say it.

This. Please do this.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to post to encourage you - this is a pretty great opportunity that, if not for Covid, wouldn't have happened from the sounds of it. I think if you work hard to make this work you've been given a gift to have a much stronger relationship with your kids as they grow up and into adults. I'm not being judgmental when I say this but it would be great if they saw you this much/stayed at your place go forward when Covid is over.

[Anonymous]

It's great that you are trying now, but you became a father a decade ago. Man up, dude.