I have no idea how to be a dad

[Anonymous]

Its only every other week for 3 days - you can handle it. Like the PPs said, lots of one-on-one time with each child, help them with homework, think of something you would enjoy AND they would enjoy that you can build together long-term that they would look forward to each time they came - if you're introvert maybe - teach them how to play chess or master a certain multi-player RPG or take them hiking/on overnight camping trips. If you're an extrovert - maybe take them to a water park for group swimming lessons or a pick-up soccer game or enroll them in Cub Scouts and become a volunteer.

Anyway whatever you do - this will build the bond between you and the kids. Document how many hours you have them, when your pick-up/drop-off time was, what the ex-wife requested, then take it to court and get a formal petition to have partial custody based on this. The kids shouldn't be tossed out like trash when this is over, they'll want the same time and level of attention from you and you should be able to see them just as much if not more.

[Anonymous]

This is why Dads need to be involved from the start. Sad mom got tired of them.

[Anonymous]

You recognise that you want to do this better and that is great. Set attainable goals for improvement. Understand that it may take a few months for this to start going more smoothly.

Make sure they understand that you want them there and that you look forward to this new opportunity to get to know each other better.

Apologise for raising your voice. Let them know you are working on that.

If they are just pestering each other let it go.

Find fun things to do: Family board game night? Movie night? Baking? Pool noodle fight? Nerf gun fight? hiking? sporting skills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its only every other week for 3 days - you can handle it. Like the PPs said, lots of one-on-one time with each child, help them with homework, think of something you would enjoy AND they would enjoy that you can build together long-term that they would look forward to each time they came - if you're introvert maybe - teach them how to play chess or master a certain multi-player RPG or take them hiking/on overnight camping trips. If you're an extrovert - maybe take them to a water park for group swimming lessons or a pick-up soccer game or enroll them in Cub Scouts and become a volunteer.

Anyway whatever you do - this will build the bond between you and the kids. Document how many hours you have them, when your pick-up/drop-off time was, what the ex-wife requested, then take it to court and get a formal petition to have partial custody based on this. The kids shouldn't be tossed out like trash when this is over, they'll want the same time and level of attention from you and you should be able to see them just as much if not more.

+1, especially the last part.

[Anonymous]

In addition to what others have said I would take some classes that can help you build these skills. PEP classes are great and can be done virtually. Parenting is hard and you are learning, you need to get some tools and put your kids first. I would also recommend seeing a therapist individually (can also be done virtually right now) to start working on how to communicate, express your emotions, etc. You need to get some support for yourself, that will really demonstrate commitment and love for your kids.

Here are the Pep classes: http://pepparent.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to what others have said I would take some classes that can help you build these skills. PEP classes are great and can be done virtually. Parenting is hard and you are learning, you need to get some tools and put your kids first. I would also recommend seeing a therapist individually (can also be done virtually right now) to start working on how to communicate, express your emotions, etc. You need to get some support for yourself, that will really demonstrate commitment and love for your kids.

Here are the Pep classes: http://pepparent.org/

Also want to say I think both of these is important, just one will likely not be enough. Doing the classes will help you with age appropriate expectations, what types of boundaries to hold and what to let go, and tools to connect. Therapy will help you implement by getting a little deeper to what’s been holding you back to connecting, or if you’re not ready to go that deep can just be focused on helping you with concrete things like this week try telling your kids you are proud of them when they do xyz, this week try x.

[Anonymous]

You have gotten lots of great suggestions here (except the "man up" poster), and I second them. Also, keep in mind that lots of us who have been with our kids from day 1 are struggling with these same issues, especially during COVID. None of us really know what we are doing. We are all muddling through. And COVID is making everything much harder. So, don't beat yourself up too badly.

Make sure your kids know that you LOVE having them with you more, that it is not a burden to you. They may misinterpret your struggling as your not wanting them, and you want to make sure they know it is just that you are finding your way and not anything to do with them.

You are seeking ways to do better, which is the most important step. Keep doing that, and keep letting your kids know you love them, and you got this.

[Anonymous]

Kids like routine, and this new 3 days every other week thing is throwing the kids off.

Get a framework set up for these days, and do your best to keep on track.

Make it as predictable as possible for them.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why Dads need to be involved from the start. Sad mom got tired of them.

wtf. Mom has been caring for them full time since they were toddlers. Now we're in a pandemic and mom is handling EVERYTHING. She didn't get tired of them, she needs help.

[Anonymous]

I really don't understand this attitude. The guy has had kids for ten years and now he discovers that he should be involved in parenting? Where has he been? Yes, man up. You're an adult and your kids depend on you to get it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this attitude. The guy has had kids for ten years and now he discovers that he should be involved in parenting? Where has he been? Yes, man up. You're an adult and your kids depend on you to get it together.

+1. Ten years is a long time to be clueless. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spend time with them one on one. So while one of them watches tv for an hour, go into the kitchen and bake with the other one. While one reads outside, play basketball in the driveway with the other one.

The key is separating them slightly. Teach them to play Spit and Gin and get a deck of cards and play with them.

+100 . Forget all the activities and scheduling. This poster is right on. Slow down. Appreciate every moment. Be patient. Don’t get mad over silly things. Do family movie night and game night and home cooking and brush your daughters hair and play catch with them in the yard and ask them a bunch of questions. Your ex-wife was doing a huge, manipulative disservice by keeping them from you before. You don’t want them to think of you as just a checkbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people have come up with some good ideas, like scheduling, and presenting choices.

I also think you need to have a session with them where you "clear the air" and begin a do-over, with some rules about communication.

You've been out of their lives a long time. You kind of blame their mother but you know it was your fault. I think you should offer them an apology on some level and ask for a fresh start with them. I think a lot of their behavior may be anger toward you.

Brainstorm with them about some house rules you might want to consider:

No yelling
No complaining unless you make a suggestion about what to do instead
No putdowns
Dad and Larla and Larlo Forever

That sort of thing

Wtf? You have no idea if this is true but you definitely sound like a bitter mom that caused a divorce.

[Anonymous]

My ex never had an interest in our son until recently and he is struggling with parenting. You first need to develop a relationship before your kids will take you seriously. Have a family meeting and lay down some rules. Start by limiting screen time to whatever you consider reasonable. I don't know what your relationship is like with your ex but if you can, it's great if you can be on the same page. If not, you lay down the rules and then enforce them. Kids need to feel safe and they will feel this way when living with you is predictable. Bedtimes, chores, etc need to be set-up so they know what to expect. The hardest part is enforcing these things. Don't try to be fun, easy dad who lets them rule the roost. My dad was that way and I felt sorry for him TBH. Then give them choices about things that don't really matter. Let them vote on dinner occasionally or what movie to watch. GL and stick with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why Dads need to be involved from the start. Sad mom got tired of them.

wtf. Mom has been caring for them full time since they were toddlers. Now we're in a pandemic and mom is handling EVERYTHING. She didn't get tired of them, she needs help.

No empathy for mom. She demanded full custody and Dad getting no time. Easy when she could dump them at school.