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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have two kids DS 10 and DD8. Ex-wife and I split when the kids were toddler. She has always had the kids full time. I come to birthday parties, soccer/baseball games, take them out to dinner/outings occasionally, but I never kept them overnight or multiple days in a row. She said the kids weren’t comfortable staying away from her, and I know I should have pushed for more time, but I guess I was fine with it. Out of nowhere my ex-wife says the kids want to spend more time with me. I’m guessing she is struggling having them home during virtual learning.

So I have them tues-thurs every other week right now. It’s not going well. When they aren’t doing school they are bored unless they are on iPads/watching tv. When I suggest bikes, or playing outside they just annoy each other and I notice that I’m not very tolerant of those silly annoying behaviors. I know I’m yelling too much, I never know when to punish or let stuff go. The kids tell me I’m mean. I love them, I’m proud of them, but I am not good at connecting or communicating with people in general. Is it even possible that I can fix what has already been broken? [/quote]

You seem to have your heart in the right place and that you are open to hearing advice from strangers.  You are their dad and they love you as you love them, but what if for purposes of developing a little perspective you imagined a world where you were their grandfather and their mother was a single mom (maybe dad took off when they were toddlers).  A loving grandfather might have a relationship where he shows up to the grandchildren's birthday parties and sporting events and takes them out to dinner/outings occasionally.  It is not hard to imagine families where grandchildren never staying overnight at grandpa's house or see him multiple days in a row.  For purposes of this mental exercise let's say something comes up unexpectedly where their mom has to find overnight childcare for three days weeks.  Maybe its work, weekly medical treatments or maybe even a historic pandemic.   Who knows, but the first question on your mind and the kids is...is this new arranagement temporary or will staying with grandpa for three days a week become permanent?  If the circumstances were so dire that mom asked grandpa to make this change permanent would grandpa agree to it or would he firmly say no and offer to continue to help out in the short-term, but look forward to getting back to his daily routine with only occasional visits with the grandkids?  Has mom or grandpa communicated the answer to these questions to the kids? Second, short, occasional visits can hide all manner of sins.  It is much easier for kids to be on their best behavior over a meal or on a outing somewhere fun. Grandpa also probably rarely lost his cool and started yelling at the kids on these short visits.  For the first time everyone is seeing each other and how they are on a day-to-day basis for the first time.  It's confusing and unsettling for the kids and frustrating for grandpa who never had to deal with constant bickering and daily fights.  He probably doesn't realize that this was not unusual for mom and honestly for most households.  More than a few parents cry into their wine glasses at night wondering why their kids act the way they do.  Third, the kids don't know how to act at grandpa's house because they don't know whats expected of them.  What are the rules? What is the daily schedule?  How much does grandpa have to work and has he tried to share his schedule with the kids?  Do they kids know to shutup when he is on a work call?  How much screen time is allowed and do they have to earn it? What chores? What are the consequences for breaking rules?  Fourth, Grandpa probably never learned that kids do better with fair, but firm boundaries clearly communicated IN ADVANCE with consequences for transgressions that are clearly communicated IN ADVANCE.  He probably also doesn't know that most dads yell or at least raise their voice when they lose their cool.  Sometimes and with some kids a raised voice on occasion can be effective.  However, a loud yell itself should not be a punishment for breaking a rule.  Grandpa should simply be able to enforce the consequence that he had previously communicated IN ADVANCE.  Maybe losing screentime is a consequence, maybe quiet time in their room or no dessert.  Grandpa could even come up with consequences with the grandkids so there is buy-in.  He should also know that when he has completely lost his cool it's ok to stop yelling himself, ignore any further yelling by the kids and leave the room to compose himself.  He shouldn't try to yell a grandkid into submission. That isn't good for anyone.  Fifth, kids don't need a big outing to create memories of a lifetime.  Engaging the grandkids in offline activities requires your and their full attention can be a great way to develop a rapport.  Don't have the TV on or check your phone while you are doing this.  This does require some advance planning before they visit.  Making a little extra effort and having a handful of activities at the ready will go a long way toward making each visit better...maybe a trip to Michael's to get some crafts, stopping to get a pumpking carving kit, puzzle, model car set, DIY science toys, having a board game or two on hand or  a deck of card or Uno.  Maybe grandpa can ask mom about what non-screen activities the kids like (drawing? painting? legos?).  The key is do not interrupt their screen time to do this.  They might be in the middle of something important for them even if it seems silly to you.  Just let them know IN ADVANCE that at say 5 pm screens have to be off to do this activity before dinner. Or announce at dinner that it will be after dinner.  The first few times the grandkids will grumple and complain.  That's fine.  Stick with it.  Finally, grandpa should always avoid delivering ultimatums he is not prepared to follow through on.  Empty threats will not work for long.  Good luck pops.
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