Fifty something female who feels as though I’ve missed out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're in your 50's and you're realizing only now that you haven't had a lot of dates, etc? What was going on for the last 25 years?

Anyway, your best option is men in the same situation. I say that as a married man in his 40s with many male friends in that age range.

This guy has a good question. I had these panicky thoughts beginning at about 35. What has kept you from focusing on this until now?

I think its rude that yall are asking that question. Time flies and is a mfer. She may be introverted, cultural, or religous, shy, have anxiety, etc. Not every woman is a yes woman who spreads legs on the first date and gets married in a few months.

You’re ridiculous. OP wants input. We need more information to give her input that may help. And believe me, no one understands her situation more than me.

I’m not introverted, I’m an extrovert. No religious or cultural issues. I am not a yes woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm 45 y/o and married with kids. I have two friends - one from childhood and one from grad school. They are both incredibly picky. Childhood friend never dated anyone because she wanted to marry only a judge or ambassador, so she didn't even go on dates with anyone who was not marriage potential. My grad school friend is also insanely picky. She only wanted a very rich business man or star biglaw lawyer on the way to partnership, her age or younger. She thinks it's wrong to sleep with someone before dating for many many months and has a lot of very rigid rules, including conversion to Catholicism, engagement after exactly 6 months of dating, house owner in certain neighborhoods and only single family home etc. I personally don't think that not being married or having kids is a big deal, but I'd question someone our age without a meaningful, long-term relationship. To me, it's a flag for emotional immaturity, unrealistic expectations, and/or inability to love.

You have mentioned one of my issues which I’ve been working on and actually put in place when I was on the dating sites. I am picky. I have a “type” that I wouldn’t budge on for a long time. I am better about that and am open to meeting men who aren’t my type. And it’s made me aware that I can enjoy time with those men and be attracted to them. . I’m from a white collar family and I’m a professional as is all of my friends. My group of friends are very successful and I know that I do at times think of them and their opinions when meeting men. I also think of my parent’s opinions. And I know that this is an issue and holding me back.

I am starting to question if I am unable to love or show love? I am an affectionate person, I like to do nice things for the men that I like, I’m a caring person and have been told this numerous times by both sexes. But, I’m wondering if I’m a relationship type of person?

I also am aware that I do have some insecurities that I need to work on. The last person I casually dated about 3 years ago, I really liked. He was newly divorced, I think he was out to sow some wild oats after being in a miserable marriage for 25 years and I wanted more than he did. I know for a fact that my insecurities got the best of me and I didn’t handle things very well. And honestly, that man just got married this weekend and I’m really sad about it. I will NEVER forgive myself for the way I acted with him. I am totally embarrassed and ashamed. And before anyone asks, I had never acted like that prior to him. And I’ve lost all confidence in myself do to that time with him. I look back now and know that he just wasn’t that into me and he wasn’t looking for anything serious when we met, which was 5 years ago. And I know that I did things that looked desperate. I learned a lot of lessons and a lot about myself. But it has also made me question a lot about myself as well.

[Anonymous]

As a man, and knowing many single men in that age range, not having kids on average is a big plus. It makes it simpler, not saying having kids is a minus many guys don’t care either way, but many will see it as a overall plus.

Not having ever been married would make me a little curious and look for something weird going on possibly. But I don’t think it would be an issue either, especially after the first few weeks of dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm 45 y/o and married with kids. I have two friends - one from childhood and one from grad school. They are both incredibly picky. Childhood friend never dated anyone because she wanted to marry only a judge or ambassador, so she didn't even go on dates with anyone who was not marriage potential. My grad school friend is also insanely picky. She only wanted a very rich business man or star biglaw lawyer on the way to partnership, her age or younger. She thinks it's wrong to sleep with someone before dating for many many months and has a lot of very rigid rules, including conversion to Catholicism, engagement after exactly 6 months of dating, house owner in certain neighborhoods and only single family home etc. I personally don't think that not being married or having kids is a big deal, but I'd question someone our age without a meaningful, long-term relationship. To me, it's a flag for emotional immaturity, unrealistic expectations, and/or inability to love.

You have mentioned one of my issues which I’ve been working on and actually put in place when I was on the dating sites. I am picky. I have a “type” that I wouldn’t budge on for a long time. I am better about that and am open to meeting men who aren’t my type. And it’s made me aware that I can enjoy time with those men and be attracted to them. . I’m from a white collar family and I’m a professional as is all of my friends. My group of friends are very successful and I know that I do at times think of them and their opinions when meeting men. I also think of my parent’s opinions. And I know that this is an issue and holding me back.

I am starting to question if I am unable to love or show love? I am an affectionate person, I like to do nice things for the men that I like, I’m a caring person and have been told this numerous times by both sexes. But, I’m wondering if I’m a relationship type of person?

I also am aware that I do have some insecurities that I need to work on. The last person I casually dated about 3 years ago, I really liked. He was newly divorced, I think he was out to sow some wild oats after being in a miserable marriage for 25 years and I wanted more than he did. I know for a fact that my insecurities got the best of me and I didn’t handle things very well. And honestly, that man just got married this weekend and I’m really sad about it. I will NEVER forgive myself for the way I acted with him. I am totally embarrassed and ashamed. And before anyone asks, I had never acted like that prior to him. And I’ve lost all confidence in myself do to that time with him. I look back now and know that he just wasn’t that into me and he wasn’t looking for anything serious when we met, which was 5 years ago. And I know that I did things that looked desperate. I learned a lot of lessons and a lot about myself. But it has also made me question a lot about myself as well.

OP, I would move to an new City and start fresh. Be the person you want to be. You don't need to tell anyone what you've said here. For all anyone knows, you left because of a catastrophic break up.

Also, many people don't get married in Quebec, Canada. They cohabitate and seem like the happiest people.

life is too short to lay blame, learn from your past and move on to a brighter future. Bonne chance mon aimee!!

[Anonymous]

We all have our issues - I recommend going to a therapist. There's only benefit in becoming a healthier person in general even if you don't end up with a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm 45 y/o and married with kids. I have two friends - one from childhood and one from grad school. They are both incredibly picky. Childhood friend never dated anyone because she wanted to marry only a judge or ambassador, so she didn't even go on dates with anyone who was not marriage potential. My grad school friend is also insanely picky. She only wanted a very rich business man or star biglaw lawyer on the way to partnership, her age or younger. She thinks it's wrong to sleep with someone before dating for many many months and has a lot of very rigid rules, including conversion to Catholicism, engagement after exactly 6 months of dating, house owner in certain neighborhoods and only single family home etc. I personally don't think that not being married or having kids is a big deal, but I'd question someone our age without a meaningful, long-term relationship. To me, it's a flag for emotional immaturity, unrealistic expectations, and/or inability to love.

You have mentioned one of my issues which I’ve been working on and actually put in place when I was on the dating sites. I am picky. I have a “type” that I wouldn’t budge on for a long time. I am better about that and am open to meeting men who aren’t my type. And it’s made me aware that I can enjoy time with those men and be attracted to them. . I’m from a white collar family and I’m a professional as is all of my friends. My group of friends are very successful and I know that I do at times think of them and their opinions when meeting men. I also think of my parent’s opinions. And I know that this is an issue and holding me back.

I am starting to question if I am unable to love or show love? I am an affectionate person, I like to do nice things for the men that I like, I’m a caring person and have been told this numerous times by both sexes. But, I’m wondering if I’m a relationship type of person?

I also am aware that I do have some insecurities that I need to work on. The last person I casually dated about 3 years ago, I really liked. He was newly divorced, I think he was out to sow some wild oats after being in a miserable marriage for 25 years and I wanted more than he did. I know for a fact that my insecurities got the best of me and I didn’t handle things very well. And honestly, that man just got married this weekend and I’m really sad about it. I will NEVER forgive myself for the way I acted with him. I am totally embarrassed and ashamed. And before anyone asks, I had never acted like that prior to him. And I’ve lost all confidence in myself do to that time with him. I look back now and know that he just wasn’t that into me and he wasn’t looking for anything serious when we met, which was 5 years ago. And I know that I did things that looked desperate. I learned a lot of lessons and a lot about myself. But it has also made me question a lot about myself as well.

OP, I would move to an new City and start fresh. Be the person you want to be. You don't need to tell anyone what you've said here. For all anyone knows, you left because of a catastrophic break up.

Also, many people don't get married in Quebec, Canada. They cohabitate and seem like the happiest people.

life is too short to lay blame, learn from your past and move on to a brighter future. Bonne chance mon aimee!!

What would moving get me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked close friends if there is something about you that may be a turn off? Have you worked with a therapist?

+1. There are specific things going on with you. Not even necessarily that bad - it could be as simple as "you don't convey to men who are interested in you that you like them" - but it's something, and the people who know you best are the ones who are going to be able to tell you.

As a friend, I would never tell someone the things I’ve picked up on. I have a few friends who have absolutely no idea why they’re single. In each case, the issue is obvious. It doesn’t mean they’re not good people, but my thought is that if they’ve made it many years into adulthood with such a lack of self-awareness, it’s not my job to lay down the heavy with some straight talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my mid-50s, never married, never engaged, no kids, and really never had a very serious relationship. I’ve “dated” meaning a few dates here or there with guys I’ve met on online sites. In my early 20s I did date someone for about a year and a half, not 100% committed, but were together a lot. I’ve met men that I have been very interested in but nothing ever works out. I’ll admit, the men off dating sites haven’t been the best quality....a few need up being married and lied about being divorced.

I feel like I suck at dating, have nothing to offer anyone my age since I’m not a Mom, and am afraid I’ll be alone forever! I don’t want to be alone. I also feel that I give off the wrong vibes and things just turn sexual. I’m not sure how to change myself ?

I’m told that I’m very attractive, I’m funny and smart. There’s just something wrong with me! And I really think that the not Ever being married and having kids thing is a turn-off.

I’m really bummed. Any advice? Feedback?

Well, you're not wrong. You have missed out. You can't turn back time, but you can go to therapy and explore these questions and try to improve your outlook and dating strategies.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered being a lesbian? Serious inquiry

[Anonymous]

Op, my step-MIL (though we just call her by her name usually) was married for the first time at 60 to my FIL (similar age). No children, they’ve been married 10years now and she is absolutely the best thing to have ever happened to my kind and for all intents “good catch” FIL. Though he is waaaay more difficult than she is and if there was a contest she wins as the best Grandma, in the family. We suspect it is because she didn’t have children of her own. She had a very full career and life before meeting FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered being a lesbian? Serious inquiry

No. I am not attracted to women at all and have no desire to be with a woman. I am 100% heterosexual and do not believe that you just decide to be a lesbian one day. Even if you did, that is not a desire for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, my step-MIL (though we just call her by her name usually) was married for the first time at 60 to my FIL (similar age). No children, they’ve been married 10years now and she is absolutely the best thing to have ever happened to my kind and for all intents “good catch” FIL. Though he is waaaay more difficult than she is and if there was a contest she wins as the best Grandma, in the family. We suspect it is because she didn’t have children of her own. She had a very full career and life before meeting FIL.

Thank you for this! I think one issue I’m having is freaking out because I’m in my 50’s and feel as though it’s just now too late. In reality I know that’s not true, but I feel the pressure is on. I’m so happy for your step-MIL and FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm 45 y/o and married with kids. I have two friends - one from childhood and one from grad school. They are both incredibly picky. Childhood friend never dated anyone because she wanted to marry only a judge or ambassador, so she didn't even go on dates with anyone who was not marriage potential. My grad school friend is also insanely picky. She only wanted a very rich business man or star biglaw lawyer on the way to partnership, her age or younger. She thinks it's wrong to sleep with someone before dating for many many months and has a lot of very rigid rules, including conversion to Catholicism, engagement after exactly 6 months of dating, house owner in certain neighborhoods and only single family home etc. I personally don't think that not being married or having kids is a big deal, but I'd question someone our age without a meaningful, long-term relationship. To me, it's a flag for emotional immaturity, unrealistic expectations, and/or inability to love.

It sounds like neither of these women really want a partner, no? Lots of gates up to keep people at bay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should not being a mom be an issue? It means you don’t have the baggage of kids to deal with

I am mid 50-s, and never had kids. No men have seemed to care, while other men see it as a positive. At our age, most men don't have kids at home any more, though one guy I dated had a 10 yr old.

I am a widow, which can also scare some people off, but there is nothing to be done about it!

You may be giving off an avoidant vibe. Or your taste in men may need to be adjusted or outright ignored for some other type you don't usually go for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should not being a mom be an issue? It means you don’t have the baggage of kids to deal with

OP here - I feel that maybe men who have children would feel that I wouldn’t have be as mature as women who have raised kids, or that we lack that experience in common? It just may be me feeling insecure?

I don't have kids, but I have other hobbies and interests that I might have in common with a date, like music, dancing, sailing, kayaking, literature, etc.